My husband is East Indian (born in the USA) and I am Mexican American. Our marriage is great, and we've been together for 10 years.
My mother-in-law, however, feels that the Indian culture is the only game in town. She continually refers to me as her son's "American" wife, even though he was raised here too! I've tried gently reminding her that my family emigrated from another country just like she did, but she skips over that part and insists that I'm white. I'm not white--how can I dispell her of that notion and remind her of the fact that I have an ethnic culture just like people from India do?
We've had some major misunderstandings which I feel come down to the fact that she is Indian and I am Latina--like oil and water. She blames everything on my being "American"--which is true, but many of my beliefs come from my hispanic upbringing. When will she respect and learn about my culture just like I've learned about hers?
2006-12-04 11:19:41 · 5 answers · asked by AvidReader 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Other - Cultures & Groups
To answer your question (a good one!) my husband supports me 100% and is as annoyed by her as I am. He frequently takes her to task.
2006-12-04 11:34:37 · update #1
i am Indian, and on behalf of the sheer intolerance of my countrymen, i would first like to apologize to you.
it isnt your fault. traditional Indian women are known to be dominating and at times rude. the classic Indian mother-in-law is perhaps the most vicious in the world. i applaud your efforts and patience. maybe if i explain her psychology a little, you might be able to fix the situation.
Indian mothers pride in their sons. A LOT. they want their sons to have the "perfect Indian bride" who will bear him "perfect Indian children". reverence of Indian tradition is CRUCIAL.
you are not Indian. it doesnt matter if you are of African descent, East asian descent, it doesn't matter if you are Middle Eastern! you are not Indian. and that's not going to change. and if you are not Indian, then to her, you are "white". that's that.
i would suggest that you try learning more about the Indian culture. incorporate aspects of it into your life. impress her w/ an amazing Indian dinner. prove to her that you love her son as much as she does and being a non-Indian does NOT mean that you are a fool. maybe if you slowly bring in aspects of our culture while still mainting hers, there might be some peace.
but NEVER give up your own culture, either. think syncretism.
your husband needs to support you. i know a lot of Indian men have issues w/ going against their mothers (ESPECIALLY Indian men), and if she begins to feel that you are seperetaing her from her son, that won't solve the problem either, but your husband also has a duty to you. YOU deserve respect in your own house, and if he loves you, he will ensure that you get that respect.
a note on the Indian usage of the term "american". "american" essentially means "white". the words are interchangeable. it doesnt matter if your husband was born in the USA, he's HER son, and HER son was and always will be Indian, not white.
as for her acceptance of your culture, well...God bless you. Indian in-laws are hard nuts to crack. all i can say that approaching her as you would approach an open-minded american will not work. be kind in your cultural standing, but be firm. by hook or by crook, YOUR family is going to be both Indian and Hispanic whether she likes it or not!
I wish you the best of luck. God bless you, and I hope everything works out!
2006-12-04 11:43:23 · answer #1 · answered by Neha S 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Your mother-in-law probably refers to you as white because that is preferable to her. Many people from India have opinions about persons "of color" which would not fit in with what is taught here in America.
Traditionally, in India a daughter-in-law is expected to defer to her husband's parents. So your mother-in-law might be offended by the idea that you expect her to treat you as an equal and learn about your culture.
Your best chance for harmony is to speak to your husband. Tell him that whenever you have a conflict with your mother-in-law, you will speak as though your wishes are his. For example, "my husband wants me to ______" or "_______ (insert his name here) asked me to _______." If you always make it look like you're acting to please your husband, your mother-in-law will be more inclined to go along with it. Or at least she'll go bug your husband if she doesn't like what's happening!
2006-12-04 11:43:04 · answer #2 · answered by Yogini108 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She will not understand you just have to ignore her comments. She was raised with different beliefs and will not change them. Explain it to her in a letter and if she doesnt change. Let it go!
2006-12-04 12:47:19 · answer #3 · answered by Lovely 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. If she wants to be ignorent, her choice.
Btw. She makes believe you are white. I wonder how she would act if you were black? Being ignorent she would probably burry herself with her caste system beliefs.
2006-12-04 11:25:29 · answer #4 · answered by Wandering Sage 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where is your husband while this is going on? He should be defending you against the old bit... um... bag.
2006-12-04 11:24:54 · answer #5 · answered by CrankyYankee 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋