One week ago, my husband came home with his younger cousin who is 25 years old and announced to me that he would be staying with us till he gets in rehab. He is on heroin and pain medication. He never kept a job and floats around and stays with different people. We have a baby boy and this guy had to sleep on our couch as we do not have a spare room. I was completely uncomfortable with him here. He would cook and leave a mess for me. He was always on my phone. I could not put my baby in his swing or playpen to watch Elmo because this guy is crashed on the couch. My husband went to work and I was alone with him. This guy did not make one call to get into a rehab. I am not working now as I have been ill with seizures and trying to get my epilepsy under control. Maybe I have no say because I am not bringing in money right now. I left and went to my brothers and then my husband told him to go but will not speak to me and says I was wrong. What do you think?
2006-12-04 07:28:21 · 15 answers · asked by kelly 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You were definately not wrong! First of all, having someone stay with you is a big decision, and your husband should have discussed it with you first, and not just announce it. I would never tolerate a drug addict without a job to stay in my home, baby or no baby. The fact that you have a baby only makes your case stronger. This guy needs to help himself, while I understand that your husband may want to help him, he sounds like he is enabling him instead. The deal should have been, go to rehab, and I will help you when you get out and when you are clean and sober. This guy sounds like a freeloader and will not get help while your husband makes life so easy for him. Lastly, just because you are not working, does not mean you don't have an equal say in the finances. Looking after the baby (your husband sons) is the biggest responsibility there is. If your husband got laid off, or was fired, would that mean that he could no longer make any of the financial decisions? You make decisions together because you are married and have a partnership and the decisions you make affect the both of you, not because you are earning a paycheck.
2006-12-04 07:38:53 · answer #1 · answered by spacecat 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would have got my baby out of a house containing a junkie too!!!
I did get myself and my baby out of a home where I was considered nothing more than a free-loader, denied a say in household decisions, because I wasn't bringing in any money!
Is he your husband or your owner? Motherhood is the most important job on the planet - you are totally right to put your child's welfare first, and no way should you be expected to pick up after a house-guest, even if you'd invited him in yourself. Your husband needs to realize that a marriage is a partnership. Bringing in the most money does not give the most authority in the relationship - partners are social equals, not dominant and subordinate. He won't speak to you - is he prepared to talk about any points of difference (not just this incident) you may have, or does he expect to be able to hand down his decisions without dispute? You need to be discussing issues in your marriage, knowing that discussion won't necessarily turn into argument.
2006-12-04 07:45:39 · answer #2 · answered by ~jve~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should have had a discussion with your husband before leaving but I agree that you did the right thing by going to a safe place for you and your baby. Your husband feels responsible because this is his cousin he has rose colored glasses. He may not understand about addiction or how these addicts claim I need help and they really just want someone to sponge off of. I have been there I lost my cousin to heroin and cocain. I brought her home and tried to help her get cleaned up she ended up cleaning me out! I cried because it hurt we grew up together I felt I had to try. I had a fight with my husband over her as well he ended the argument by saying he didn't want anything to do with helping her and I felt abandoned by him. Your husband feels abandoned by you because he thought he was doing the right thing and you didn't support his decision. I would say neither one of you is really right or wrong marriage is a give and take thing. My husband didn't support my decision but he didn't come back and say I told you so either when it all went bad. I don't think you should try to convince him you were right it just makes him feel more angry. Let him cool off just let him know you love him.
2006-12-04 07:42:34 · answer #3 · answered by Chrissy #1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Every marriage is different. In some, one partner is dominant, and in some, there is more equality. In my marriage, this event wouldn't have occurred--my husband would never have suggested my family undergo this, and additionally, I would not have allowed it.
However, in your case, it's water over the dam. Right, wrong or in between, the cousin is gone and you're home. You and your husband need to recognize that at this moment, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong--you only need to decide if that type of situation can occur again, and what the boundaries are if it does.
2006-12-04 09:52:16 · answer #4 · answered by knowitall 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all just because you weren't bringing in money, doesn't mean you have any less of a say in things. You are at home taking care of the baby, and making sure your husband has a good home to come to. So don't belittle yourself like that. Secondly, you are right to no be comfortable with a freeloading junky at home with you. You and your husband have a family and a responsibility to your child to raise him in a safe healthy environment, and for your husband to introduce that element into the home is not healthy or safe for you or your child. Your husbands most important duty is to provide protection and support for you and the baby. It sounds to me like your husband is acting like the baby here. Your wellbeing should far outweight his concern for his loser cousin. Don't ever forget that.
2006-12-04 08:04:50 · answer #5 · answered by Pudge 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have every right to be mad. First of all your husband didn't even ask you about it first before he decided that it wold be OK. Second of all you have a baby he comes first and it's not right to have that kind of a person around with a baby in the house. Third of all you your self are not in the best of health. And he is wrong for not thinking of you and your feeling. Plus your baby. Just because your not working doesn't mean that you have no say to anything. It's your house to and you have just as much right to the say of things as he does.
2006-12-04 07:57:09 · answer #6 · answered by Hugs and Kisses 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your husband is wrong for not consulting you and your feelings before allowing his cousin to move in. you don't have to work a 9 to 5 to contribute to your household. the reality is i wouldn't want someone laying around in my living room either. and it sounds like he has no intention of being responsible or productive. How about you! stop speaking to your husband. And stop cleaning up this guys messes and let your husband come home and see exactly what is you are putting up with.
2006-12-04 07:42:35 · answer #7 · answered by weary minded 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband should have considered his responsibility to his family before he brought an addict into your home. I don't think that you are wrong to say the guy had to go. You need to consider your son's welfare as well as your own peace of mind.
Also, just because you are not working outside your home right now does not mean you don't have a say...a marriage is an equal partnership!
2006-12-04 07:40:01 · answer #8 · answered by Raine 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He should of discussed it with you b4 he brought that kinda trouble into your home. His family and yours maybe totally different, where he finds something tolerable and understands... you may not be equipped to deal with that. Examine your back grounds, understand yourselves, then try to understand the other... The fact that your not speaking to each other is a bigger problem , than the issue itself. You need better communication and conflict resolution to make a marraige work, in today's world.
2006-12-04 07:35:16 · answer #9 · answered by ~MB~ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is a communication gap. How about adding a why and asking "Why am I wrong" to your husband than us. He will open up, believe me and you can put forth your perceptions, and resolve the whole issue.
It will work!
2006-12-04 07:40:46 · answer #10 · answered by AndV 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋