I recently found out my husband of ten years is cheating on me I'm not sure how to handle it please help?

Question

About three weeks i found out my husband was cheating on me i caught him with a hickey on his neck the girl is 22 years old and he is 31 so far in the last two weeks he has come to my house with hickey's on his kneck and he tells me that he didn't even know they where there thats a bunch of grap. He talked to shis step dad about it and his step dad told him to break it off with her if he wasn't happy in the relationship at least wait until after the holiday's then sit down and talk to her about the relationship but he didn't take his advice and kept on seeing her. right now i am so hurt because i feel he chose thie girl over his family. We have to daughters who having a hard time withthis. He is still seeing the girl and i don't wnat my kids around her yet beacuse they are ready for that. My 9 year old daughter is not ready for all this. I am so hurt i don't what to do to stay strong for them?

Answer 1

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I also found out recently that my husband of 10 years and 9mths cheated on me for a 10 mth period. I also have a nine year old. I can only tell you that it is very difficult. That is how I found this site was because of what happened and was looking for answers. What you need to do now is talk to your husband. Ask him if he wants to be with you or with her. He has to make a choice he can't have both and don't stand for it either. If he decides to be with her then let him go. If he wants to be with you then you need to decide if you can work it out with him? Can you forgive him? If you guys try to work it out you will have to go to a counselor. I am seeing a counselor now and she said that there are actually some people that can get over this and the marriage ends up being stronger then before. She also told me that it is very difficult and both people have to be willing to make it work. So first find out what he thinks and then you need to figure out what you want. I hope everything works out for you and if you need to talk more about it or want to bounce ideas off of me just shoot me an email.

Answer 2

First of all you really need to put some thought about this. Asking for advice wont help you, unless your ready to leave him. From the sounds of it, I don't think you plan on leaving this little boy. Your hurting, don't let this person have control. Kick him out! Leave him. He already made his choice. Come on a hickey!! What a kid! Why keep him around? for what? Love yourself! You need to get control back and show your children that your much stronger. You know this wont be the last time he does this. What example is he showing his children? (or you). Seriously, think about it. What makes you think your children would be around this other person? You have so much more control than you think u do. Give the respect that you deserve. It kills me to hear that us woman let these men take over our emotions and our lives. For what? Do you know by having him, you will always doubt him. Things wont be the same. I already walked down your path in life. It took me a very long time to let go. But I did. Trust me I'm doing much better now than I did when I was w/ the ex. My daughter gave me the will to walk away and start a new life. Good Luck! Check out the website, this book might help you.

Answer 3

Infidelity is always destructive, and often fatal, to a marriage. Your know that your husband is cheating. You're not sure what to do. Before making that decision, you should focus first on what you not to do.
Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort.
It's natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband's affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. Make sure you're confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband's affair could complicate the situation.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it's not happening will make him think he's getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. Infidelity almost always indicates that there is not an effective way to communicate dissatisfaction within the marriage. If both spouses can tolerate and control the emotions involved, they may come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity occurred, signaling the beginning of a more substantial level of recovery. Recovery usually takes 1 to 3 years.

Answer 4

They probably know what is going on or at least have an idea of what is going on, they need their Mommy. They will have questions, do answer them honestly about everything. I don't suggest that they meet the "new" girl as she is young and probably won't remain with their father. It's not necessary for them to build a relationship with a fly-by-night.

Answer 5

Of course you have to stay strong for your daughters, but you also need to file for divorce and take the dirt bag to the cleaners.

Don't even think about hesitating becuase he will be paying alimony and child support not to mention you getting half of all assets (depending on what state you live in).

To be 100% honest, even if he would agree to break it off you still need to get out! I'm a guy, so this advice is not coming from a bitter women or anything, it's coming from a man.

Answer 6

I would not let the husband be around the children, and forget the GF-she would never be in my kids' presence. What a shame. You need to see a lawyer. It's bad enough if he cheated and was sorry and begged forgiveness, but he's been exposed as a liar and a cheater, and he's still dating this woman! He needs the old heave ho--tell him to leave and don't come back, unless it's to drop off the child support check--and then he can stay on the front porch.

I'm sorry your husband didn't honor his promise to his family and to you.

Answer 7

listen it is a punch in the face ,it hurts,but what you can not do with your self is try to find a excuse for what happen .children never hold a marriage or relationship.right now he is excite because the new relation ,he will not care what your daughters think or fell.you are the one that have to decide if you wanted stay with a husband that cheat on you or realize that if he is cheating now ,he will do it later. try do not put your daughters in the middle or talk bad about their dad,with them,that won't help anything and will just make them more confused and sad.

Answer 8

my heart goes out to you. the only advice i can share is that you remain strong and think about what is best for yourself and your children. it would be easy to sacrifice yourself and your emotions at this time but don't forget your husband has the majority of the responsibility in this case and he needs to step up and be a father even if he can't manage to follow through on his committment to you. any discussion on this topic will be a heated debate between both of you, so if you think it is helpful ask a neutral party (like his step dad) to be present so you both can focus on the important issues at hand. the best thing you can do for your family is to maintain open communication with your husband. this will make it easier for your children to handle the situation and not get caught up in any more drama. second, you will be setting a positive example for your two girls. easier said than done, right? i would be livid with my hubby too and fantasize about taking a hammer to his balls. if you need time - take it, flee the scene and have a family member watch the kids for the evening. this will be one the most difficult trials of your life but you will manage and your children are lucky to have such a thoughtful, caring parent. good luck to you.

Answer 9

Kids are never ready for this, but the truth is best. I think your husband made his decision as he has not broken it off with this girl. Make plans to move on and just remember that you are a good person and you are not at fault nor are your kids. You will be fine if you hold to the truth about this. I would not allow my kids around her either. They are too young to understand that Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend and if he has any feelings for his daughters he wouldnt want them exposed to that either. Good luck to you. I say boot him now.

Answer 10

you answered the question yourself. you must stay strong for your family - your two daughters. this was your family as well as his. if he is deciding to give up a beautiful family (cheat on them and you) then you need to be strong as much as it hurts and is an insult to you and protect what is yours. it seems you have been patient and understanding. you gave him a shot to do the right thing.
its sad - i know - but you cannot let your girls see you get hurt like this. he is their dad and as they get older they will see his actions and what he did to the family. you do the right thing.
get help if you need to. family, lawyer, therapist to talk things out.
but in the end - stand up for what is right and what is yours.
god bless you if you can work it out - forgive him and keep the family together. but i don't see how given the facts.
p.s. - the reason why he is coming home with the hickeys is not because he is stupid but he wants to put it in your face and for you to see what he is doing. sick i know. but he is a good for nothing.