What is it that I really want?

Question

I am married to a very intelligent, VERY handsome, competent man who is an AWESOME provider and father, but a horrible husband/companion. We have been together 11 years and have 4 children. Ours has never been an easy relationship. There has been infidelity on his part, but what felt like a lot of love kept us together. We are polar opposites on just about everything (BUT sex), but, while the communication is minimal, we have always worked it out and been at least content. Lately, I have been so unhappy, almost inconsolable. I have been praying and meditating on the subject of what I want out of this, what I want out of life and I have ZERO answers. Any other subject I have prayed about, I've received answers for, but this......? I hit a brick wall everytime. Today, a friend suggested that perhaps I AM getting answers, but I don't recognize them as I am afraid of them or, at least, don't like what the answers are showing me. Your thoughts, PLEASE!

Answer 1

Laura, wow, do we have a lot in common! I have just been reflecting on the same issues lately. We have begun counseling though and I highly recommend it. I think we were both somewhat apprehensive about the whole thing but are glad we go to our meetings. However, even through our first counseling sessions I continued to have these same questions you are asking yourself. I had decided that I was going to do everything I could to make our relationship work and keep our family whole. I tried to decide things like should I stay or should I go? is it better for the kids to stay together if we are unhappy? I too prayed and prayed to God for a sign, an answer.
I asked for a private session with the counselor. My husband was late coming home to watch the kids. I was furious but didn't even have time to argue about what I thought was a lack of consideration. I made it to my 1hr appt when I only had about 15min left! I was in tears. I told her I felt resolved to make our marriage work but then something would happen that would trigger doubts, mistrust, sadness...and so on. She clearly said (paraphrasing now), and this is what I want to share with you, that "You do not have to decide today what you are going to do in the future, whether you stay or go." She explained for me to concentrate on myself only. Sounds selfish but really it isn't. See, that's the ONLY part WE can control. She said, "don't let others, mainly my husband, be a barometer for how I will feel today." She repeated what I had said once before, that I did not want to be one of many divorced women who end up bitter and full of regrets because they did not try everything in their power to make things better. She told me many women end up sabotaging their marriages. She meant that because we are afraid and saddened we do the very things that can destroy a marriage. She told me to not sabotage the relationship. To praise my husband even when things don't look so good. Not out of manipulation but to not sabotage the relationship. Here's an example, I was ready to come home and let him know with my best communication skills how I felt about him being late and how I thought he was being inconsiderate. (This would have been an accusation and really would have hurt us not helped us.) Instead she suggested that when I went home I said "Honey, it's okay, I know that if you could have been on time you would have." This was hard to do but it worked! He smiled, he was so relieved, he felt closer to me, I did not push him away with my thoughts. I still don't know why he was late but you know it doesn't matter. I know that I'm changing, I'm smiling more, I'm trying to be a better wife each day. You see, I thought that if I did all these things, swallow my pride and make myself vulnerable, I was being stupid for staying after everything that's happened especially if I get hurt again. But now I realize, I'm being REALLY SMART. I don't have to swallow my pride, I can make myself vulnerable because I choose to. I don't have to decide what will happen but for now I will continue to control how I feel each day, regardless of his mood or behaviors. If things don't work out this is the only way I'll know that I gave it my all. To me that's not stupid that's really smart. Will you believe that the arguments are few. I praise my husband as much as I can and mean it, he is getting closer to me and the kids each day. (This took a conscious effort!) I thank him for doing little things and don't expect him to be considerate of me. However, he has been more considerate, more affectionate and so on. I guess what I'm trying to say is to look for the answers within yourself. Perhaps you too will benefit from just thinking about yourself for now and working on a better marriage by doing all YOU can. If in time things work or don't work out, I believe we'll know without a doubt. Then we can decide without any regrets!
To be more more specific, your friend said that perhaps you are getting the answers but don't like them. My thoughts are that, no, you don't have the answers yet. When you do have the right answer you'll know without a doubt!
I wish we could talk! Best of luck and I'll think of you in my prayers too.

Answer 2

I do hear what you are saying but I feel I at least need to submit my opinion for you. If you are praying about what to do, I have sincere doubts that God would tell you to get out and cut your losses. I know that His wish is for marriage to last until death. I would like to offer to you the following: Look deeply into your beginnings as a couple. What made you fall in love with him in the first place? What was it that drew you two together? Why did you have four children together? Name and ponder on each of those children and what each of their reactions would be should anything happen to your marriage for the worse. Next time you pray ask the Lord to give you meditations on those things and a renewed fervency to actively seek a love that you can now not find. I really think it is time for you to fall in love again, and when that happens there will be no need for him to seek relations elsewhere, no need to be non-communicative, and no need to be anything other than an awesome companion and spouse. I highly recommend you seek spiritual counsel with a pastor or associate who is versed in these areas and above and beyond everything - My Prayers are with you!!! I have been there and God is still good, all the time! Merry Christmas!

Answer 3

Maybe as you're getting older you're realizing how important the "companionship" part is in the relationship. It is very possible that something that was not that important a decade ago is suddenly taking on a whole new meaning, especially if it is severely lacking. I, myself, can't even imagine having "love" without "companionship"... I can settle on some other things (sex included), but communication and companionship are some of the main things I expect from a relationship (if I just wanted sex - why not stay single?)

It is also possible that things seem darker than normal because of some physiological things going on - depression or hormonal change of some sort. If you suspect this might be the case, it wouldn't hurt to see a medical professional.

Answer 4

Well something must be right if you have 4 children! Perhaps you need counselling.

A lot of women lose their identities whatwith trying to please a husband and children and keep the house clean the dfog bathed etc etc. Its almost like cinderella. WHat happened to the old you. Why have you allowed yourself to go down? Seek guidence from a counsellor. A christian counsellor is a good option.

Answer 5

I am sorry that you are so unhappy. I am feeling the same way and have for most of my marriage. I don't have any answers for you really. I do feel that we owe it to ourselves to be happy. You have children who see you and how unhappy that you are. Regardless of what you do to shield them, they see things as they truly are. I think to myself, what am I teaching my children by staying in a marriage that brings me nothing but tears at times? Ending a marriage is a really tough decision. Keep praying, but listen more closely. Open your heart to the answers you are seeking. I wish you the best...

Answer 6

Couseling might help. Your husband doesn't necessarily have to go with you but it might help you sort out what your core issue is and figure out constructive ways to work through it both alone and as a couple.

Answer 7

from my experiance,u must try to speak with ur husband.if this marriage is as important as it is 4 u,he will listen and try to find a solution to ur prblems.if he already give up,its nothing u can do.i wish u all the best.

Answer 8

You know what to do....my suggestions is to stay on the boat...unless he is physically or verbally abusive to you or the kids.