Is he wrong?

Question

My husband is always making fun of how bad I look. I have gained a lot of weight since my last daughter was born and am struggling to lose it. I am working really hard on it now though. He says he has to tease me about it because he doesn't know what else to do. He also admitted to me the other night that he is ashamed of how I look and feels sorry for himself because I am so fat! He also complains I take too long to get ready to go anywhere, am disorganized, etc.
My only defense about being sloppy is that I hate being a housewife! All that stuff is just too overwhelming for me. I enjoy the kids, cooking and other stuff, just not cleaning. I am naturally disorganized. I could work on it, but I think he has to put up with some of it,and accept that it's never going to be "perfect".
He just gets mad all the time. What do I do to get him to stop being so critical and negative?

I do work part time. I have 3 kids and am planning on going back to work full time when they are all in school. I work opposite shifts of my husband so we don't have to hire a babysitter.
As for the housework, I am probably going to hire someone for help with organization.
I do my hair, makeup and always look "presentable". I never liked how I looked (even when I was thin) but I used to really go all out all the time with my clothes.
I know he has a big point, but it doesn't make it hurt any less! I am hoping when I do get my body to look better, things will get better! I'm not sitting around and doing nothing, I am working out and eating less.

Answer 1

You are not going to like my answer.

When my wife had my son, she was over 30 pounds heavier six months after the baby's birth. I still loved her with all my heart, but I didn't like her. She was putting her health in jeopardy by being so heavy. She could get heart disease or diabetes from her excess weight and that wasn't fair to me or our baby to lose her because of her weight.

Because I was less attracted to her, our relationship hit rocky times.There was less intimacy, less conversation, less contact. I wasn't hurtful, but I let her know how I felt.

It took 18 months, but she lost the weight. She looks fantastic and I'm so proud of her. I like her and love her not because I have a trophy wife. I like her and respect her because she now respects herself.

I know you won't like my response, but I'm telling you what happened in our family. If you continue with the weight, then expect for your husband to continue being a jerk. He's disappointed in you.

About you being sloppy, then I can't defend you on that one either. Seems like you want everything to be okay, without extra effort on your part.

Answer 2

If he is tring to feel sorry for himself and he says it's because of you, then my dear he has no respect for you as a mother and a wife. Try reminding him that he married you for better or for worse and that you are doing what you can to loose the weight and that maybe the house would not be quite as much of a mess if he would stop egging on you and get off his *** and help you instead of being such a cridic. If you have children, there is going to be a mess and you should not have to keep up with it all. A marriage is a joint venture and if he can't see this, then he needs get some type of counceling. Maybe you should get a job and then if he wants to poke fun, you can throw up in his face that you are working too and then he has no right to make fun, even if you are overweight. I am overweight and I have the attitude that if someone doesn't like the way I look, turn their head the other way and shutup. If you have had children, never be ashamed of yourself in any manner. You have done something that he can't do and should be proud. He might even be a little jealious of you because he works and you don't. Ask him. He may not admitt to it, but I would be willing to guess that this is part of the problem. Start asking him questions about what's bothering you. He might surprise you and give you some answers you can work with, but don't give him an inch as far as him teasing you. The getting mad sounds like he is either feeling sorry for himself or he is feeling guilty about something. Has he ever given you any reason to think he might be having an affare? That's just not right in any book.

Answer 3

You need to get your husband to support you. You are trying to loose the weight and that is good because feeling healthy is important. But hey it's a process. He needs to realize that your attitude matters supremely. If you are made to feel little then you will lack the strength to improve. If you are encouraged and supported then you can accomplish much.
This is all a matter of life style and energy. You want to change so I'm sure the energy will come. Try visiting your nearest book store. While there check out books in the interer design section about organizing space. you should get great tips there. Get books on cooking healthy and start educating yourself in diets that suit your body and temperment. And MAN o MAN if your husband starts complaining about the meals you prepare, stop by the nearest home depot and buy him a dog house to stay in for a while. But there should be tasty things to cook. Also try to find ways of exercising the interest you. Surpisingly very little increases of activity can make a big difference. Like walking to the store.

Most of all though stay committed and don't tolerate anything but support from your husband. Do this because you want to.

Answer 4

Ok, first off have you told him how much it bothers and hurts you when he behaves like this? If you have already done this, then you need to start working on yourself. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself happy. If that means hiring a personal trainer (and make him pay for it) then do it. If you want to go out into the world and get a job then do it! (He can hire a nanny or find child care too) You have no business sitting at home and being miserable nor should you ever have to put up with someone talking down to you. If he is ashamed of you so be it. Do you love yourself is what is important. If he refuses to support you than it's time for the divorce papers. The world has so much to offer. Go do it.

Answer 5

Ok.... Im going to SOOO get ridiculed for this. But I just had a lecture with a womens psycologist about how marriages have changed in the past 10 years..specifically. This is what she said. She said that honesty in relationships is becoming more accepted. We all thought she was being stupid when she said that... I mean... accepted... when was it NOT accepted right? Well she goes on to say that couples are now telling eachother that if things dont change, they will cheat, which gives the other person a chance to change first. And that this was a GOOD THING because if a woman is told by her man that if she doesnt change, he is going to cheat or leave, then she has an opportunity to change. Be it, cleaning up around the house, organizing bills, being better at taking care of herself, at least she is given the opportunity to do something. So that later on down the rd, instead of him cheating and ending things on such a bad note, maybe they can salvage their relationship. If he is telling you to do something... THEN DO IT if you want to be together. I dont agree that he has any right to think you are going to be PERFECT, but you dont have the right to think he just has to accept it. If you know these things are problems... FIX THEM, or LOSE HIM! Its your choice. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Loving you means loving ALL of you, no matter what size or shape you are. Unless he is some professional body builder, I guarantee he has his own flaws. Remind him that he promised to love you unconditionally, and if he can't handle that, someone else can. Marriage is a partnership, and if he is unhappy about the way the house looks, he could start helping more. As for the dieting, I showed my man how sucky it really was. I pulled out the trash can and threw away every bag of chips, every sugary-processed-starchy piece of nastiness, and bought whole grains, lean meats and tofu, and LOTS of veggies. About a week of a strict diet dinner, he realized why I have such a hard time maintaining. He isn't mean about my weight, because he's a big boy himself, but there are other areas that he does this in... If he isn't willing to respect you, his love isn't pure. If it's not, get out before it gets worse... Good luck with the dieting, but remember that true love doesn't have a scale. His teasing undoubtedly has you depressed, which is worsening the problem. Remind yourself everytime you are down that you are still gorgeous and worth loving, and stay out of the kitchen if you are sad. Good luck with the whole situation. I hope things get better, but if they don't, there are options. Remember that. You don't have to stay miserable. And to answer your question, he is SO wrong!!! ♥

Answer 7

He's not exactly wrong, but he's not exactly right either.

With some people you have to be harsh and mean to get them to get up and move their @$$es, but with other people, kind hearted support does the trick.

I had a teacher in school that took the "be mean, and bust their @$$es" approach, and I am not one of those people that takes to that kind of "support" so to make a long story short, I am still no good at math!!!

I am overweight myself, and my husband is the kind-hearted support system I need. The fact that he tells me that I'm beautiful the way that I am makes me want to work harder to improve myself for him. I was 195 when we met, and after I moved in with him, and over 2 hours from my family, the stress of not knowing my way around, not knowing anyone around here, and not being around my family anymore along with having no job and having to sit at home all day contributed to my gaining weight, I got up to 240, and am now down to 215.

I've always been a big kid, I'm 19 now, and have high hopes of getting my eight down more, soon.

You need to talk to your husband, and tell him how you are motivated, tell him that being mean and making fun of you will never make you the woman he wants you to be. And that you didn't marry him so that he can ridicule you about every pound you gain or every minute it takes you to get ready.

Answer 8

Yes he is wrong. You dont deserve the verbal abuse. Change but for yourself not him. If you are a stay at home mom/housewife then yes you should keep that house clean. If you work then hire a maid to come once or twice a week. You can get a maid for like $50.00 a week. Not bad. Keep yourself up, get your nails and feet done, dress clean, doesnt have to be in style or expensive but neat and clean. Do your hair. No one wants to come home to someone sloppy and not well kept. Good luck with the weight loss I know how hard that can be.

Answer 9

girl first thing u need to do is work on urself. You agree that u are a little disorganized so work on that. Do not give him any reason to ridicule you. Also work on your self-esteem. do not let him put you down like that. it is not your fault that u gained weight after birth. it happens to most mothers. he should be offering to help you around the house instead of making fun of you or maybe offering to go to the gym with you (am sure he grew a pot belly too). he is not right on any level and he needs to grow up. right now he should be treating you like a queen just for being the mother of his kids. Please talk to him about it and if he doesn't change then am sorry he doesn't deserve you anyway.

Answer 10

Do you love your husband? Are you eager to save your marriage? If answers of both the questions are in affirmative then immediately take him to a Counsellor. He's mentally and perhaps a bit machoist, get pleasure from hurting other. Another thing observe his behaviours. Does he return home normally from work or delays unusually on the pretext that he cannot stand your obese sight. Any out of the way conduct. Has he lost apetite for sex with you? If he fits any of these then be sure he's an affair and wants to end the marriage.
I presume from your question that you've kids and you do the daily chores yourself. Does he assist you in cleasing or maintaining?
Talk with him and ask him whats going on in his mind. Tell him what he likes in you and at the same time mention that you've manage the home and the kids single handedly for which you cannot run the home with Military precision or discipline.
Arrange Baby-sitters for your kids so that you can spend some free times with your hubby.
Do some exercise to get into shape. Don't you see how pretty and young Britanny looks even after delivering her second baby within a span of two years? Be some nurcicist dear. Love yourself and your body. If your excess fat comes in the way of your marriage then remove it to keep your marriage alive and kicking.
Manage your time to get yourself prepared within a reasonable time so that he finds nothing to complain.
Confide your hubby you are the same girl with whom he was head over heels in love before marriage. Try to rekindle that fire, that passion in him.
One thing more; try to understand him. Is his work going well? Is he stressed from his work. If so he needs some compassion from you but might be his ego is coming to his way and he is showing himself as a disagreeble man?
Always remember this quote: If anything annoys you ignore it; if anything is too much for you have nothing to do with it. If others seek to drive you; go slowly and laugh at. Even should be reduced to your last Sixpence remain cheerful and happy PROVIDENCE watches over us and a lucky chance puts things right again.
Best of luck. I'm sure of your win.

Answer 11

Look if you hate being a housewife quit. You are not doing anybody in your family any favors if you try and live a life you hate. Secondly yes he has a point about your weight ( He isn't handling it well but he has a point.) . It really is hard to accept when someone has gained weight and they just don't look like the person they fell in love with and men are very visual people.
That being said he dose not need to put you down make fun of you or just be mean to make his feelings known.

PS get a maid.