Help selfish mother in law!!!!?

Question

Help! Mother in law is making it hard to look forward to the holidays!?
My huband and I were recently married in September of this year. We have been together for 6 years. My mother in law is all of a sudden making a big deal about the holidays. For instance she wanted us to go to her house this year for Thanksgiving and go to my moms next year.My husband told her this wasn't going to work because we want to be with both sides for the holidays. I offered to do Thanksgiving at my house so that we could all be toghether and she wouldn't have to feel that the holidays are a big rush. She refused my offer. So I thought we agreed on splitting the holiday we would go to her house at 11am and have appitizers with her. Her dinner was in the middile of the day and this year was our year to have dinner with my parents because last year we only got to spend a few hours at my moms. The night before Thanksgiving my MIL called my husband to discuss Thanksgiving and he must have told her agian about how our day was planned we would show up at 11 have appitizers and spend

Additional Details

49 minutes ago
time with them and then leave at 4 to make diner at my mothers house. She was doing dinner at 5. My mother in law blew up. Don't even bother coming I can't believe your not eating here you do everything with her family. Blaah Blahh Blahh. She said not even to bother to come come next year to her house only so she can get her full Thanksgiving. Which I refuse to do and she doesn't respect that. She then said that we always run out on her to get to my moms which is untrue we were spending most of the day with her. The next year we would eat our main meal with her. She was so upset she hung up on him and he was so upset at her that we didn't go. They didn't talk for a week and when they did he opologized for not being there and she was still feeling the same way and said that . everything was about me and my mother. That is also untrue we tried working it out with her. 1. I offered to do thanksgiving so that nobody was torn away. 2. I my mom doesn't care about the time you do dinner but

44 minutes ago
if you could do your thanksgiving at lunch time or dinner time everything would work out alot better. She likes to have hers smack dab in the middle of the day. I don't know what to do about her she is starting to cause problems between me and my husband and he doesn't want me to say anything to her. She can't respect us as a married couple she wants everything her way. I am starting to really dislike her. What do I do. She also says that discussing the holidays is between her and my husband. That really pissed me off and I would really like to confront her on that. I feel like the main issue is is that she feels she has lost all control I think she is really jelous of my mother and what she has done for me and my husband. I know this seems really long and not put together well but its really upseting me and I have gotten good responses on here other times

Answer 1

This is really up to your husband and how he chooses to deal with it. He needs to realize he is a man now and shouldn't let his mother play mind games with him. He should sit down and discuss the problems with her and if she still acts crazy about it, let her know "This is how it's going to be, like it or not". End of discussion. No more apologizing to her. She will eventually come around because she does love you two.

Answer 2

Age old problem in marriages. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother, sounds like he tried but was unsuccessful. You need to realize that you can't make everyone happy because in the process your family (husband/wife) are torn apart. Try staying home. Another alternative is to do Thanksgiving one year at one family's house and Christmas at the other family's then alternate the following year. Then take New Years Eve for yourselves!
As far as the out-law let it go. She will probably never change and I don't think it is about your mother. It seems to be about HER son. Mom's have a hard time letting go of their sons. Try to remember this when it's your turn.
Chill, don't ruin your marriage or the holidays. I know, it took me 7 years to learn to let it go...Good Luck

Answer 3

This is a difficult situation.Your Husband needs to cut the Apron Strings. The Peace at any price attitude will only get worse later when children are involved. I am on both sides of the fence as I have been there and done that and I am now the mother in law with grandkids. This year I decided to start having my own Thanksgiving at my house for my own grandchildren instead of going to my Dad's, this really made him mad and he was so mad he refused to come to our house, I just had to stick to my guns for crying out loud I am 45 years old. The Holidays are a fight for every family. I have decided that I will have Christmas on Christmas Eve because my kids can all be together then, they can be with their own kids on Christmas morning and go to other inlaws aka the " Dark side" on Christmas Day. Thanksgiving I moved to 5 PM to allow them to go to the "Dark Side" at noon and still be ready for Round Two dinner at 5-6 PM. I hate that my Dad was too stubborn to come, next year he said he is having Dinner at his house on Sunday after TG to accomendate everyone else!, I said that sounded good! So he decided he didn't want to fight the issue, since I didn't show up!

Answer 4

Your mother in law is pissed off that you stole her baby from her and she is throwing a temper tantrum. By pleading with her and trying to appease her, she is getting the attention she wants. What your husband needs to do is be firm with her, without being rude. When she says things like, "You don't ever have to bother coming over here again!" ,,, maybe he should tell her, "Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way. But if that's what you really want, then I must respect your wishes. I love you and want you to know that our door will always be open to you should you decide you want to continue a relationship with us." Then y'all go about your business. It'll be hard on both your husband and his mother, but I bet she'll eventually come around - and your husband will have shown his mom that he is a grown man and will not be manipulated by her.

Answer 5

She's a narsesistic cow, there's all kinds of things you can read on the internet about narsesism to understand her better, I have a narsesistic grandmother, fortunately my mother grew up to be wonderful in spite of that woman. Basically tell your husband to act as accordingly to what his station as your husband would obligate him and firmly set it into his mother's head that they had a very reasonable plan and if she doesn't like it she can spend every holiday without you two in the future.

Answer 6

Sounds just exactly like my family used to be. The only difference was that my parents and his parents lived 250 miles apart. So, there was always a big problem. For Thanksgiving, we traded going to one another's houses. But for Chirstmas, in order to make his mother happy, we had Christmas Eve with my family, then drove 250 miles that same night, usually starting after 10:00 at night, just so we could have Christmas morning with her (his family). This was ridiculous! Every year we did this - for 20 years! She was insistant on us being there for Christmas morning - and very early, too! We had to be there by 7:00 in the morning, that was after driving for 4 hours the night before. We usually got home from my parents house at 2:00AM, slept for a couple of hours, had Christmas with our kids at 6:00 AM, so we could go to her house by 7:00. Luckily, and very happily, we are now divorced and I spend as much time as I want with my family! The ex-husband could care less about his own children, so they spend all the holidays with my family and they love it! Their grandmother on their dad's side, is very unhappy about all of this, because she doesn't get to have them there for her Christmas morning. Too bad. They are my children, not hers! Since, I don't want them driving 250 miles by themselves on Christmas Eve, they wait and spend a couple of days with their grandmother later on in the week after Christmas. Everyone, but her, is as happy as can be about all of this. Finally! I guess, in my situation, it took a divorce to solve the problems!

Answer 7

My wife and I are going on 38 years together. No family holidays. We are a family too. We do not get together with the others because of the potential for problems. If it hurts their feelings, they will get over it.

If they use the term "I do not believe..." Tell them to get faith, baby, cause it's happening. Good luck. You will need it if you continue to worry about what others think. You have to live with your spouse, not the others.

Answer 8

1. It is more your hubby's job to deal with his family.
These things are complex and
Accusing her of being "selfish" doesn't help. Just think of it as she has her own strong interests.
and - trying to get the families together to mix and solve your problem won't be the solution
-every family has these issues.
-don't bother to dislike her. it won't be helpful inthe long run.
she is not making your life difficult. you are making it difficult.
she can't cause probs between you and hubby.
if you have problems they are yours.
i suspect your hubby won't stand up to his mom.
and that will be your problem with this husband.

Answer 9

You and your husband must continue to control your lives. Don't let her give you a guilt trip. Sounds like you are doing your best to enjoy both families, so it is her loss when she refuses to see you under YOUR conditions. Don't worry about it!

Answer 10

Your husband is going to have to stand up to her. He can be nice about it, but he needs to insist that she choose either the noon-ish meal or the evening meal for her holidays so that you can go to your mother's for the other one. She is not being fair.