This is a continuation of another question that I asked a few minutes ago. My husband's ex-wife is a nutjob. She cheated on him because he worked too many hours and didn't pay enough attention to her. She has never worked a day in her life and considers the e-bay merchandise she sells to be a job. She works against my husband to make hersel out to be the better person. Everytime a change in our schedule came up, she'd tell the girls that he didn't love them and loves me and my kids more. she's done this to the point that the girls no longer will see my husband, at all. he's done everything he can to prove to them that he loves them, even spending the night at their place while the ex was gone, just to spend time with the girls. they are 16 and 14, for heaven's sake. is it ok for a father to write his children out of his life, when they show no love, no consideration, no desire to have a relationship with him? when is it ok to say enough?
2006-12-04 02:43:07 · 8 answers · asked by Emmy F 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
~There is nothing you can do about this situation. The less you have to do with it, the better. The kids are old enough to decide who to live with and whether or not they even want to visit.
It's sad that she's putting them in the middle, but they'll grow up fast and know exactly who to blame and for what.
He should keep in contact with the kids as much as possible and let them know he loves them. He should sit them down (alone) and let them know how bad he feels, and that this is an adult situation that they need to stay out of, and that it's not their fault.
A parent should NEVER write off his children NO MATTER WHAT! I've said all that I have, knowing that I haven't heard the other side of the story.
Remember that even though these children aren't yours, your husband loves them and they are suffering the most. :( Every focus is to be on the children, nothing else.
Best of luck to the children.~
2006-12-04 03:01:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughters are old enough to make their own choices regarding the relationship with their father. You should not push them to want to spend time with him. As for your comments about the new wife's life style such as not working, her cheating and so forth that is not your business either. The father on the other hand if he is aware of his current wife's actions needs to address them and any issues they have before attempting to bring your children into their home. I have a 6yr old step daughter and her mother is an alcoholic and drug users who has informed my step daughter that I am mean and will never care for her but when she is with us the child see's the total opposite of what her mother has drilled into her and when the custody hearing came around she told the judge she wished I was her real mom. I guess what I am saying is let your children make up their own minds about their father and step mother without interference from yourself and do not push a relationship they do not want.
2006-12-04 11:01:48 · answer #2 · answered by texas_angel_wattitude 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Teenagers by definition are a despicable breed. These girls are old enough to determine who is lying to them.
He needs to quietly tell them that they need to look at their own views and not listen to anyone else regarding their relationship.
He further needs to add that he was and is more a part of their life than sperm and money. They can choose not to come around but that it comes with some cost which includes nothing except the court ordered support. He needs to point out that they are quickly approaching the point in their lives where they need to make adult decisions about adult subjects. As such that includes not hurting family over some stupid power struggle. The day will come when the girls will require the help of a father including graduation, college, car, weddings, cosigning loans, apartment leases and the like. They would be well served to remember that before they write him off.
At that point he needs to leave them to make the next move.
This approach will undoubtedly tear him up. It is not easy to deal with being abandoned by your children. But I think it is time to put them firmly in the adult world regarding their choices and it is their choice.
Both of the girls need to face the reality of the situation.My mother remarried when I was 18 and I never came to accept his daughters as my sisters. At my stepdad's funeral I realized what a stupid waste that attitude was. Family is something which is so hard to come by and the extended families of old are disappearing. Maybe he should also point out what a serious mistake it is to refuse to accept people who can bring some joy into their lives instead of dwelling on what was a necessary breakup.
2006-12-04 10:58:57 · answer #3 · answered by Flagger 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Those girls are old enough to make their own choices. Granted, they maybe coached by their Mother. But, ultimately they make the choice to the courts. And if he is doing his part as the father. He has nothing to regret, that's their loss not his. Sounds like he is a decent Man, to bad, his children will find out a bit to late!!
2006-12-04 10:54:14 · answer #4 · answered by ~Jessica~ 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
All he can do is try to maintain contact. At some point the girls will realize what is going on and will come to understand.
If he backs away now it will only validate what the ex-wife has said.
2006-12-04 10:51:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
My best advice to you is to stay out of it. He will end up resenting you if he decides to "write them out of his life" as you said. This has nothing to do with you; this has everything to do with him and his own life.
To those girls, whether their mother says something or not, when he blows them off because he "has a change of schedule" it is still blowing them off. There is nothing that should keep him from keeping the visitation shchedule that he agreed to. When you have a visitation meeting coming up, that is a PROMISE to those children that they will see their daddy. When it gets changed or doesn't happen, it looks like he has made something else more important than them, especially if it has anything to do with you or your kids. Irregardless of why it was postponed/changed it still hurts. They might be 14 and 16, but they still don't understand why something else is more important to their father than seeing them, no matter what it is.
You also have to understand, the ex of your new husband is still angry about the divorce, it appears to me, from what you have said. I know it sounds petty and immature but she is hurting too, and even if she is not in love with her ex, she still has a love for him because he is the father of her children. When her children cry and want their daddy, it hurts her and she does anything she can to make her children feel better. She might be thinking that he obviously doesn't care enough for the girls that they might actually be better off with him writing them off, just as you suggested.
When you call her a nutjob, exactly how is that fair, as well? When your husband gets to see his daughters, does he bring them to your house and you continue this namecalling of their mother? How also, do you know FOR SURE that she cheated on him? This is what he has told you, and you do not know her side of the story. You have no right to speak ill of her, no matter what the circumstance. She is not a part of your life, keep your mouth shut about her for the sake of your marriage.
All in all, it appears that you are irritated that he has to see his children at all, and you are mad about whatever he has told you she had done to him in the past. None of that concerns you. You need to forget about the ex wife and concentrate on yourself, and try to help him through this. I am sure if he is any kind of a decent father he does care about those kids. If he does you will SUPPORT HIM in making sure he keeps his visitation schedule and makes it a point to see his children, that way, you look all the better helping him to stay close to his family and it makes you a better person.
He will love you more for being caring and understanding about the situation instead of calling his ex names and saying bad things about her. Even if he says rude things about her, you echoing it and egging him on makes you look like a brat too, in the back of his mind. Be the bigger person and help him out with this and be nice to his children. Even though they aren't yours, you are obligated to be civil to them and treat them nicely, even if they end up being brats. They are a part of your life as long as you are with your husband, like it or not.
2006-12-04 11:02:52 · answer #6 · answered by nehuntress 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it sounds like a sad situation. i think the girls are somewhat normal though. they will be back if not pressured too much. why are you asking? this is his problem, not yours.
2006-12-04 11:43:16 · answer #7 · answered by sinned 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
no its noy ok lets see she might of cheated but hes the one who went and married another lady who has children who get to live with there dad how do you think it makes them fell that they only get to visit there own father why your children get to live with him he should of waited till his own children were grown before he married you people think about your kids
2006-12-04 11:00:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋