The other day I confessed to my MIL that something she always says irritates me. She began crying and said I make a big thing out of a small one. Really! All I was trying to do was communicate. The next day she would not talk to me and her and my FIL just sat there quietly so I decided to go and talk to them and try to make them understand me. But now I feel totally manipulated to have felt sorry for them. I never said anything wrong! Why would she give me the coldness and the silence the next day and on top of that didn't she just make a big deal over nothing? They have done this constantly with their son and he doesn't give a crap when they do this but I guess I am learning and now I am just kicking myself for their baby like attitude. I feel as if they will do anything to make you feel like **** to win there ways or for you to feel sorry for them. I am so angry with them! When should you stop caring? If she was so bothered shouldn't she have come to me? Was I stupid or what!?
2006-12-03 18:04:48 · 7 answers · asked by mindy25 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
THIS IS MANIPULATION! Or your mil's hormones are out of whack. If it's the second one then your fil is paying you back for your mils little fit.
2006-12-03 18:08:39 · answer #1 · answered by lotmsrox123 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know how you confessed to her - was it worded nicely or did it sound rude?
If you were her, how would you have felt if your daughter in law said whatever it was to you? It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with her at the moment and it also sounds like things have been brewing inside both of you for awhile. Try to get at the root of the anger. You can revive the relationship if you want to & if you love your hubby it's worth the effort.
You said you decided to go & talk to them - that was a good step. I don't know why you feel manipulated so can't help much there. What did they say?
No one can manipulate you unless you let them. And any smart wife knows how to outsmart her MIL.
Tell her that the silent treatment is not a way to solve issues and won't work with you. Be firm, but kind - after all, some day you just might be an MIL. Don't make your hubby have to choose between you or his parents. If they continue the silent treatment, let them. They will only be able to do it for a short time until your son notices, and if you are kind to them despite their treatment of you they will come out looking like the bad guys.
You have tried to apologize, now just see what happens. Remember the old saying - you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar - it's true! Read some articles about inlaws/relationships in the link below. Good luck - and keep caring!
2006-12-03 18:35:29 · answer #2 · answered by Canuckgirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you are probably not experiencing what you think you are. You attempted to communicate something important to you, but all you got back was a reaction that you did not expect and that seemed inappropriate to you.
Second, try to separate "facts" from "opinions," "impressions," and "interpretations." Be specific and objective to the degree that the other person (your MIL or FIL) will totally agree to what you say she said or did. Present it in a way which is not "accusing" or "judgemental." Even your tone of voice, body language, etc. should not show "disapproval." "annoyance," or superior knowledge. If you do that, you can often get your messages through without such a reaction.
Third, speak about yourself about what you felt when you MIL said or did the irritating thing. Generally, you do need something from her (you didn't say what she did that irritates you), but don't call it "irritating" because that would be more of an interpretation than a specific description of what factually occured. She may not agree with your interpretation of her behavior
Fourth, it is not communication to condemn somebody for what they DID. It is more effective communication to tell somebody what you want them to DO for you. This has a better chance to get your message accross and the result from her you want. However, that is only if you "request" it, and not if you "demand" it. Communication is when we inform others of our feelings and needs, and then we invite them to decide on their own if they care enough about us to cooperate.
The above is written in books about "Non-violent communication" which I strongly recommend you get your hands on. It will only take a few hours to read and study. Then go back and you'll do great!
2006-12-03 18:50:44 · answer #3 · answered by gepsteinod 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know what? If they do this to their own son and now are playing this game with you, don't even waste your time letting them get to you. Next time she says something that bothers you (as long as its not too severe) just wait til she is done speaking and leave the room. If you don't respond or make a big deal out of it then you are not playing into her "game" and that in itself will drive her nuts. Do this enough times and I guarantee that she will either move on to someone else or just stop all together. You don't have to be rude about it either, just act like there is nothing that she can say anymore that will get a rise out of you. Good luck.
2006-12-03 18:29:37 · answer #4 · answered by itsjustme 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She probably values your opinion of her and wants you to like her. Maybe you should have not said anything to her. Older people can be sensistive sometimes. Try to be understanding and patient with them
2006-12-03 18:15:13 · answer #5 · answered by xovenusxo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Almost definitely manipulation. Clever and evil as ever....
2006-12-04 02:06:00 · answer #6 · answered by Dave..... 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YES ITS MANIPULATION.
Sadly you gotto take it to some extent.
Im going on a limb and guessing u from a traditional asian or south east asian culture? just a hunch.
2006-12-03 18:09:08 · answer #7 · answered by rostov 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋