How can I get it together?

Question

I just cant seem to get it together when it comes to relationships. I was with a man for 10 years and never got married. He was a cheater, verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I still let him hava an influence on me and am kind of stuck because of the two children that we are co-parenting. I have a terrible self esteem and cant meet anyone new because he chases them away, makes me feel guilty or like I am a promiscuous woman because I want to date someone new and have a chance at a normal relationship. I am not promiscuous at all and I just cant figure out how to get out of this. All I want is a nice family life and good relationship with someone who is right for me. How do I make a break without hurting my kids or having him terrorize me? Please only serious answers.

Answer 1

I kinda had something vaguely similar in my life once (but it didn't involve abuse).

While it is smart to make this post to the general public, you should ALSO pray to the One who can bring you your breakthrough--God, if you haven't already. God did a miraculous thing for me in my situation, which involved bringing me my soulmate who was out-of-state, so two problems were fixed in one fell swoop! I am actually in the process of writing a book about how we met and how others can Let God Be Their Matchmaker too right now.

If at all possible, I would get him completely out of the picture FIRST. Go to court and get a restraining order then move far away with the kids.

You are not promiscuous--that's just a mean label abusive men often put on women they are trying to keep down.

Abusers often target your self-esteem. They know if they can paralyze you with it, half their "work" is done...because you're doing it for them!

You are not stuck--you just THINK you are.

Many single parents do GREAT with 2 kids. In your case, you can ONLY do better than what you have now.

God can be your Matchmaker and He can give you your Breakthrough. You don't want 500 men, you just want one. You want The One, not just Mr. Okay. God already knows who your Perfect Mate is. He is watching him right now (he's probably watching the news and eating chips and wishing he knew you). God would love to hook you two up--even more than you want to BE hooked up with The One. Because God knows His purpose in your life, your kid's lives and your future Perfect Mate's life will be fulfilled if you all are together. But God can't do anything for you, His hands are tied...until you pray. We HAVE not because we ask not. God KNOWS what our needs are, it's not that He's stupid and He needs us to tell him. It's just that legally (in the spiritual laws of the universe) God is not allowed to answer a prayer until it is prayed. That is because everything has to be done with respect for our Free Will. Also, God wants to be sure to get the credit/glory for His workmanship when things do get better. He doesn't want to do a big breakthrough for you and then have you take the credit yourself. Another prayer problem is we ask amiss. We might not be praying with FAITH. We might be praying like we have to "pry" it out of God, as if He's reluctant...which isn't true.

HERE IS A SAMPLE PRAYER FOR YOU:

"Dear God, You know my situation. You know what partial role I might have played in getting me here (even if it was simply doing things with my own efforts), and I am asking forgiveness and thanking you for forgiving me now. But You also know it was not all my fault, my boyfriend is partly to blame for these things. I forgive him too, as I know that I must forgive others to receive forgiveness. I know You love me. I know You know who my Perfect Mate is. I know You can bring us together. I know You can do anything. I think I have low self-esteem, but I am asking Your forgiveness for having low self-esteem, because Your Son died for me and so I am worthy of Your love and Your help and I should not have low self-esteem. You love my children too, and I know You see this situation and desire my children to grow up in a good and safe home with my Perfect Mate as their Perfect Dad, so their lives can glorify You. Please be my Matchmaker and bring me my Perfect Mate that You have picked out for me. Until You do so, I promise not to do things my own way and "date around." I understand that to do so would actually be cheating on the Perfect Mate You have picked out for me! That would be doing things the world's way. I am now OFFICIALLY handing this issue over to You and promise to keep it in Your hands. I will write down today's date, so that I will know when things started to change for the better and give you the glory. I know you have my and my children's best interests in mind. I am thankful and excited about the prospects for my and my family's future! I receive My Perfect Mate from You, in the spiritual realm, and know that he will appear in my life in the tangible eventually with perfect timing. Your Word says if we pray in faith believing that we have received what we ask for, that it will come to pass. I believe I receive my Perfect Mate now, in Jesus' name. I receive it now in the spiritual realm. Your Word says that everything tangible was created by that which is spiritual; that spiritual things have power over tangible things; that everything tangible we see existed first in the spiritual realm: the universe, the earth, even me, and also the connection of me and my Perfect Mate. I don't want Mr. Okay or Mr. Will Do. I only want the Perfect Mate you picked out for me before either of us were born. Thank You, God for bringing me my Perfect Mate--in advance! I am thanking You in advance, BEFORE it is evident to my eyes. Thank You, Praise You Jesus! God, I will give you all the glory when it happens in the tangible world."

Then, DANCE and SHOUT like you would if your Perfect Mate just walked in your front door tonight! We must praise God in ADVANCE and behave like we would if we saw our dreams come to pass in front of our eyes if God is to bring them to pass. God only responds to Faith. The Bible says that without faith, it is impossible to please God. Faith is believing without seeing.

Answer 2

Seriously, it sounds like you need some form of counseling, it's not normal to be in the type of relationship you described for over 10 years, and to put up with his cheating and abuse for that long. Of course you have a horrible self-esteem, no one with a healthy self image would put up with that from someone. You need to work on yourself first, before trying to find that nice family life and the "right" person for you. Make yourself the right person for someone else, and it will work out for you. Seriously though, you need counseling, find a family relationship counselor, psychologist or even a psychiatrist (if you may be depressed as well) so that you can get the help you need. God bless!

Answer 3

First you need to take control of your life. You have to have had enough. No one can seriously help you until you are ready to help yourself. Your children will be so much happier when you are. Make up in your mind that you are going to stop allowing this man to ruin your life. Take control and be happy. It's not that difficult. There is a way to keep him out of your private affairs. Just because you two have children together doesn't mean that he needs to be included in your private life. Seperate the two. I wonder how does he chase guys away? Does this man have access to you 24/7? He shouldn't. Since you two aren't together anymore everything should be scheduled. No popping up unannounced and things like that. I think you should sit down and figure out who is going t control the rest of your life. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Honey, you need to set boundries with him. You need to define his role as the father, and respect and maintain that, but keep him out of your personal life. Do you have access to a therapist? You might need ongoing help and support to do this. I congratulate you on wanting to keep up the co-parenting, but you need to separate that from involvement in each other's personal lives. It's hard to do but many former couples do it. My ex and I have gotten along very well as co-parents (for 15 years), but for the first year or so, as we were both going back to dating, it was very hard and we fought. After we got over that hump, we've done very well bringing up our daughter together and the three of us are very close.

I know you can do it, but it will take your being something he will call "mean" to push him away into the proper place! He will try to make you feel guilty - but stand your ground. And get the help of a therapist.

Answer 5

FIRST OF ALL, SINCE HE IS OUT OF YOUR LIFE,THEN ONLY
YOU CAN START LIVING YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR SELF. NOT
ANY ONE ELSE. IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO KEEP YOU DOWN
'THEN HE HAS WON TIME TO LEAVE HIM IN THE PAST AND
STARTLIVING YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. OR FOR YOUR CHIDREN
YOU ARE NOT DOING THEM ANY GOOD BY LET HIM
MAKE THE DECISION.,ONLY THING HE HAS A SAY IS THE
RASING OF YOUR CHILDREN. YOU WONT GET ANY
WHERE WITH THIS KIND OF ATTITUTE. LIVE FOR SELF
AND NO ONE ELSE.