In desperate need of some honest advice, i'm desperately confused..?

Question

so here's my problem, i got married in aug to the man of my dreams,so i thought..i knew he was a recovering addict an had assumed he was clean, from what he told me and what i observed.45 minutes after our beautiful wedding,his mom goes nuts,he yells at me and her and leaves the wedding, so i leave.2 days later he get's arrested for testing dirty for illegal drugs. To make a long story short, he was in jail on our 1 month anniversary, sentenanced on our 2 month anniversary and left for treatment 2 days after our 3rd anniversary. My family, my friends have disliked him since day one, and i've stood by him. because I did see the good in him. He'll be gone until at least June, then he can come home. Does everyone deserve a 2nd chance? I mean we r married now ,this is my 2nd go around. I wanted this time to b forever. Should I give him the chance to prove to me he has changed when he get's back? Plus I have a 3yr old from a diff relationship,and he is always num 1,and will always come 1st

nicole???? no.

Answer 1

My wife will attest that it's not just drugs that have the potential to destroy marriages. We have had a rocky, and rough marriage, many ups and downs, and still we try so hard to find the love in what we are as husband and wife. There are many times we could have walked away, there are many times during those stretches that we found our bond get closer.

If this is the person you married, the person you could state as the man of your dreams, you should support him until he no longer is considered someone who you dream about. Then you need to ask yourself why not? What happened what changed? Can it be regained, can it be worked through? If it proves unreconcilable, then divorce does occur... every relationship has it's problem, some bigger than others, as yours will attest. Whatever caused you to marry this person obviously outwayed the detrimental effects of his character, hold onto that for as long as you can. Every relationship loses sight of that spark at sometime, it happens... can it be rekindled? More importantly are you willing to allow it to be rekindled?

If the relationship becomes harmful to you or your Son, you need to seriously step back and reconsider. Emotionally, physically and spiritually should be assessed when something is considered 'wrong'. There are ways through everything, but it's also largely dependent on how hard the persons involved in the relationship are willing to work towards a solution, or at least a compromise to the problem.

As his spouse you should be able to support him while he recovers. The rahabilitation center may suggest that spousal support will aid to give purpose to his recovery. There is also the darker side to drugs... Once and addict, always an addict. The portions of the intellect that drives the addiction was likely addicitve in the first place to cause the stimulation. Spiritual insight, growth and nurturing affects during this time can either help you understand what he's going through, while he understands what this is doing to you... it will either bring you together or drive you apart. Depending on what occurs, you'll have your answer.

This is not something that can be decided quickly... your child should be kept out of the situation... there is no point in dragging your son through the process of recovery. Family members on the compassionate side should understand this...

Chances should never be measured, expectations are the destroyers of relationships... if you do not have expectations you have nothing to lose. When he falters, and his chances of relapse again are very high, will you be asking if deserves a 3rd or 4th chance? This is potentially something he will be struggling with the entire breadth of your relationship. What are your personal tolerances?

Are you both open to counselling? Are you open to truly helping him recover from this addiction? However, the most important question... Is your Husband truly looking to free himself from this addiction? This should be made readily clear while he is being treated. Speak with his counsellors, and rehabilitators... This is partly your responsbility to determine how far you are both willing to go, and how involved you are both willing to be when one is in need. This is what being in a marriage is all about.

If you run, when your spouse needs you, what does that say about your loyalty to him? How hard are you willing to make this work? What are your intentions? What are his? There are far more questions and answers to be pondering than what you have presented. What is your level of patience? This is not an easy place to be... I am not in parallel position, but I am in a similar process of seperation from my spouse and family, so I can relate to what you're going through.

Keep your head up... whatever you choose to do, think it through carefully... Divorce is nowhere as easy to achieve than your marriage was, and comes with problems of it's own. Peace and light...

Answer 2

Well first of all, let me tell u, that i am 18 years old. I say this because i don't want to make it seem as though i have experience when it comes to marriage. But i guess being outside of ur box, or life, it's easier for me to look at ur situation from different angles.

Okay now that i've gotten the intro over with, here's what i say:

Now i can be common and just say leave him, becuz he's just caused u grief. But that's the thing about love. There's no promise that love will be a walk in the park. It doesn't ensure complete happiness either. Well, that's my opinion anyway. So if that's established then i guess u have to figure out how much more u can take. Imagine ur life in a few months. Do u see urself progressing towards happiness? If u analyze ur husbands actions, is he at least somewhat consistent with how he treats u? Do you know why he started taking drugs again? You might have to change ur environment to accomodate him. Are u willing to do that? Does loving him make u feel as though u are loving urself less? If u can withstand the stress, then by all means stay with him. But if u feel that it's more than u can handle, you should consider letting go. But by all means, make sure u discuss it with him. Let him know how u feel, inform him, so that he knows exactly what is happening. And take note to the marriage vows. How much is too much for you? Personally, i don't associate marriage with divorce. Because marriage is not SUPPOSED to be separated. Is this a circumstance that you feel would jeopardize ur future and ur child's future? I'm brainstorming these questions...I'm sure someone else will add on some better advice...


Hope that i've helped in some way.

Answer 3

I have alot of experience with alcoholics and addicts. This group

of people are often described as very sensitive, selfish and self

centered. They act childish when things don't go their own way.

They whirl like a tornado through jobs, relationships, money,

when they are "using". They lie, cheat, con, munipulate, beg,

borrow, steal, they will lie with a straight face to the Pope.They

only care about themselves and getting another drink, drug,

whatever. On the other hand, when they get Sober or "Clean"

their lives change (usually for the better). SOBRIETY MUST BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THEIR LIVES.... or this

disease progresses and destroys everyone who is close to the

addict, or alcoholic. TRUST THAT THIS IS THE TRUTH... He

probably feeling guilty as hell. Probably saying," I'll never do it again I promise honey... never again" He really means it too.

So, Should you take him back.... I can say only this.... before you make that decision please contact Alonon Family groups, or

Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. They have small groups that gather together and share their stories and help each other make the right choices and see what options

are open for you ..........most importantly is this ......your not alone, lots of people are affected by anothers drinking or drugging...It's time for you to seek help for you and know that there is help available. I hope the best for you and your little ones ....God give you strength to move forward...

Answer 4

Where drugs are involved or have been, never assume that someone is clean. You may have caught this person at various times coming down. If you really love this guy, tell him & also mention your very serious concerns. Ask him if he is really actually trying to quit or just screwing around?

If he is serious about quitting, get him to erase
his dealers # from his cell or if he has friends
who deal, tell your boyfriend that he must not
see or call them.

The temptation of being high, knowing a dealer,
& having money are the three most dangerous
combinations for someone who gets high.

The temptation: your husband will have to be open
to communication with you. He will
have to tell you every single time he
gets the temptation. This can range
anywhere from just a couple of times
to hundreds of times of him telling you
he needs it. DON'T GIVE IN.
Tell him that you feel bad for him,
but also tell him that this is the
hardest part. At this point, he may be
screaming at you & cursing you out,
but tell him nicely about the good you
see in him. Tell him why you married
him, tell him about the man you see
right now, & then tell him about the
man you dreamed of marrying.
Some guilt may do some good for
him.
The Dealer: Get your husband to throw away or
delete the dealers #. If your husband
is truly wanting to quit, this step
shouldn't be to extremely difficult. If
your husband says no or he comes
up with some other lame *** excuse,
then truly deep down in your
husbands heart, he doesn't want to
quit.
The Money: Try to mention to him about the
different ways you could spend the
money wisely. Tell him the money
could benefit both you & him like
having an extra bill paid off. Tell him
everything you have ever felt for him,
& last tell him the way that you see
your future with or without him.

P.S. Heres a little tid bit of info I once
heard. Even if only one parent in a
home does drugs (& this parent may
assume that his kids never see him
doing drugs) theres a high likeliness
that the child will follow in his foot
steps.
Plus children are very intuitive to
whats going on inside their own
home.

Good Luck, & yes the right person
deserves a second chance if your
willing to take that leap of faith!!!!

Nicole....

Answer 5

Well, marriage is for better or worse. You knew he was a recovering addict before you married him. The road to recovery is a very long one. It can be a little easier with someone loving by your side. You're right to put your son first. My advice is to hang in there with your husband as long as you can. If you feel you can no longer handle it, then leave. But I firmly believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance. He's only human. Good luck and God bless

Answer 6

Get an annulment. The marriage was based on a lie. He does not have the right to ruin the life of your child or yours for that matter. Once you have a child, you are directly responsible to provide a safe and healthy environment for this child first and foremost. What happened? Addiction is very hard to kick. Why in the world would you subject yourself to this problem. There ARE guys who are clean you know. Life is hard enough without asking for trouble. He deserves to prove he is clean before entering the dating market. He needs to show job stability, the ultimate test, as it is hard to be an addict and hold down a job.
Please do this. You are much better off alone and hanging with your family. Anytime you stick up for an addict, you are enabling him to continue his problem. He needs two years from release. CLEAN. Please move on for the sake of your child. No contact is recommended for the annulment....just do it!

Answer 7

If he was a recovering addict, that means he already got at least one second chance.
How many do you get?
You have a lot to consider here, like your 3 year old who deserves so much more stability than what's provided right now, and the rest of your life. Are you so desperate that you'll cling to a man who most likely will relapse (odds are stronly slanted towards that eventuality).
It's time to look into an anulment, and hold out the possibility of a realtionship after he's been clean for at least 2 years, if you want to wait that long.
You need to fish in different waters.
Good luck.

Answer 8

That's a lovely story. What a beautiful beginning. I would get an annulment. Being with an addict or even a recovering addict is an uphill battle for many reasons, and because they have a high rate of relapse. Do you really know what your getting yourself into? A life of misery. He will drag you down and drain you dry emotionally, and you will be the only grownup in the relationship and the one who ends up having to pick up the pieces. Run for the hills, honey.

Answer 9

well when you assumed some thing especially a drug addict you assumed wrong but you know this know.and ounce a addict well always be a addict because when he get clean and off of the street drugs he goes and see a doc to get treatment to recover from the street drugs and the doc give him drugs to help him recover from the street drugs and the cycle continual then ounce he get home he invite his friend over in most cases and they scope out your house and come back when you not at home and rip you off.then on top of that if your husband ask you for money more likely he is going to use it to buy drugs because the meds he get from the doc he is going to sell on the street to buy the drug of his choice and when he run out he is going to come to you for money or any thing he can sell on the street or pawn this is reality because ounce addict is always a addict there is no way getting around it he well lie though his teeth to you and he well tell you he love you and all of this $hit but in reality it just come down to his next fix so i really hope you know what to do know for your 3 yo and you get out of this relationship as soon as possible

Answer 10

You said your vows to a known addict. There is always a chance an addict will will "fall off the wagon." It's unusual that the "for worse" comes before the "for better." I am a Christian woman and believe in the vows and sanctity of marriage. I also believe that a person can honor their marriage even if seperated. Were it me, I would not welcome him home until he has at least a year of sobriety. You have a child to think of and this kid has seen enough. Your child is not safe with an addict around, even if you believe that this man would never hurt your child. An addict is capable of anything. No matter what you decide, please do not let this man around your child until he has a year of sobriety. In reference to your parents not liking him: surely you can see their point. You are married to a man who is an addict. My parents would be nervous and scared every minute of their lives if that were me. And you have their grandchild in this relationship. Please carefully consider your next decision and listen to your parents if they are giving you sound advice. God bless you and your little one!