Abandonment issues?

Question

I broke up with my ex when my daughter (now almost 6) was 3 years old. Her father can only see her at supervised visituations which he "refuses to pay for anyone to watch him with his child." Thus he has not made any contact with her in over a year. Needless to say he's not an "outstanding citizen" and I almost feel that it is in her best interest not to be involved with him.
I am concerned that my daughter is going to have abandonment issues (which has has already asked me "why doesn't my daddy love me?") when she grows up. Any help or advice would be much appreciated from any of you folks who have experienced or are experiencing something similar with your child.

Just a couple details: There is a permanent restraing order in place, the visitations are court appointed, and there is a warrent out for his arrest.
Also, I have never spoken poorly of him in her presents. I have reassured her that I would never leave her and that she has a huge family that loves her.
I am interested in finding out information, such as books that you have found helpful in order go guide her and support her and any websites or therapists that have worked for you.
I appreciate the answers I have received. Each one of them has been helpful.

Answer 1

Yes, she can have abandonment issues even if she cannot express all her feelings verbally right now. From time to time in life she will be dealing with this and it's normal. I dealt with this a year ago and my three children. I found a great play therapist who gave me a discount and my kids saw her individually over a period of a year decreasing in therapy time from every week to once a month and then we stopped. We will be going soon to do a "wellness" check. I explained to them that nothing was wrong with them but rather that she is a doctor who helps them figure out their feelings. Kids will normally feel rejected and think there is something wrong with them just like we adults do. There are also some great books out there about how to help your child through the grieving process. I believe one book is When Your Child Grieves. Children are so precious and fragile but you can be a constant source of stability and promise her that you will never abandon her. That is her next big fear because she's already had to deal with it from one she admired and loved dearly. My prayer is that you find a good church family for extra support and some good role models for your daughter. Don't give up and work hard with each new day you are given. God will bring you through...He is always faithful. Romans 8

Answer 2

Preschoolers tend to have a limited and mistaken perception of abandonment. They are highly self-centered with a strict sense of right and wrong. So when bad things happen to them, they usually blame themselves by assuming they did something wrong. Children this age often interpret the departure of a parent as a personal rejection. Youngsters are likely to deny the reality of the abandonment and wish intently for the parent to return. They can also regress to behaviors such as thumb sucking, bed wetting, temper tantrums, and clinging to a favorite blanket or toy. They also fear abandonment by the other parent. They generally become afraid of the dark and of being alone. They need a lot of love and the assurances that you will always be for him.
By the time children reach the early school years, ages six to nine, they can no longer deny the reality of the abandonment. Boys, especially, mourn the loss of their fathers, and their anger is frequently directed at their mothers. Crying, daydreaming, and problems with friends and in school are common abandonment behaviors in children of this age.
Again you have to be patient and loving to make her feel secure.

Answer 3

I went through this with my daughters. They haven't seen or heard from him in 7 to 8 years. I told them Daddy does love you two in his own special way. He just doesn't know how to be a real dad. I had to be honest with them as they got old and let them now he is an addict in more then one way and for their own safety they can never be alone with him. I also told them (older now) when they are 18 years old I will try to locate their father and bring them to meet him but they are not staying and we will have people keeping an eye on us incase things get out of hand. Good luck, stand strong and give your daughter as much love and patients as you can mustard up. Don't ever speak bad about her dad and age appropriate let her know about him. Not easy to do but it seems to work.

Answer 4

My daughter is going to be 6 this month and has not seen or talked to her bio-dad in almost 2 years. Its hard to not say anything bad about him in front of her but I have been good so far. My finace has been the father in her life since we have been together....last 3 years. We just tell her that she is safe and ok and we love her and take care of her.

Answer 5

first let her decide if she wants anything else to do with him. after that all you can do is comfort her and be the best mom/dad she can have. you can do it. i did it for 5 years with my oldest son. now his dad is back. dad is frustraited because my son kind of shuts down when he is aroun and prefers to be with me. he always ask his dad are you going home? he loves his dad but at the same time he wants to know why he is around for our second child and not for him. it is up to dad to fix it and if he doesn't say **** it and move on. thats what i did with my dad. my dad calls my mom and tells her to call me and tell me to call him. what kind of mess is that. i eventually told him if you want a relationship with me you will have to make it happen, if you dont that is fine with me.

Answer 6

Never speak bad of him no matter what. Say that Daddy does love her and so do you. It is so sad but no influence is better than a bad influence.

Answer 7

You chose her father, she didn't and like it or not, she is part of him. I don't know what the circumstances are but perhaps you could help in the arrangement of supervised visits.

Answer 8

never speak bad of him to her after all this man needs to know he has a child as well responsability toward her as well in my opion good luck my opion?

Answer 9

well., same thing really happened to me, idont have all the awnsers, but ill tell you , communicatin, is the key, it really took me years to realize that people make bad choices, and stupid decisions.......it doesnt mean that they dont love you, it simply affirms,that like you and me....... theyre humans