How to live if you cant come out the closet !!!?

Question

I have over 200 mostly older black folks in my family that have very conservative thoughts and believe homosexauality is horrible all my friends are the same way I cant come out to all those people who defintely wouldnt approve dont say come out I cant and I wont so whats your best advice as keeping this part of my life a secret should I move far aways leave the country or what this is killing me inside and I cant talk to anyone please help ill be out of the house in 2 years what should I do.

P.S> please dont say just come out its really not that simple in my family I literally cant come out.

No my family dosent already know because in that case they wouldnt make nasty statements about gays infront of me etc....

Answer 1

hey Fly - I know what you mean. I know the exact kind of family you have. Older, conservative - churchy-churchy black folks and I know how they feel -they will NEVER< EVER< EVER accept you being gay or bi. so don't even dream of telling them.

I say you gotta start meeting middle-class white boys - you know, them SUBURBAN type dudes, very white-bread, middle class - they can make friends with you and you hang out with a different crowd. but with the Christian black folks you gotta HIDE IT !!!!!

by the way - I'm a white guy with a good heart and open-minded.
Generally - even lower working class whites are the same hostile attitude towards gays. so you need to meet the upper class in surburbia .

In my case, I never had to tell my folks. From my age of about 11 yrs, my parents confronted me and THEY TOLD ME THAT I WAS TRULY a queer and that I go with guys. And when I tried to deny it - they called me a liar and INSISTED that they knew I'm gay.
they never got over it to the death. And they never forgave me.
but they did save me the trouble of "coming out" cause they did it all for me!!! But in the nasty way. My dad told me that people in the neighborhood were talking and saying "how come your son always with guys and never with a girl??? Is he gay???"

just wanted to share that with you - Fly-Guy

Danny

Answer 2

You said you don't want to hear "Come out..." but I have to say that in the long run, doing so would save you. Keep in mind that this is your life. You say your family would get all angry and think it is an abomination... and you can't really replace family. But the friends you have... well, if they are that negative and are unaware of your "secret", you need to replace them with a more understanding circle of friends. May I suggest moving to a different city... a place where you can be far and away. You need to live out of the shadow so to speak because in the end the only person you will be hurting by your silence is you. Staying in the closet can lead to some serious depression (I'm talking of the suicidal variety) but it is ultiamtely your choice.
Also, something I have picked up on the years... many homophobic people are that way because they haven't met a homosexual before. I've met a few that have changed their views completely after getting know gay people... so the point of that is people can be surprising.
Whatever you decide, I hope it gets easier for you. Living a lie is painful... and hardly the romantic notion movies make it out to be.

Answer 3

If you're in a difficult situation where the others cannot change, I'd say, by hook or by crook, get out of that situation asap. Do you have a trusted friend or SOME family member whom you can stay with, even temporarily, while you transplant yourself from this difficult situation? Two years can seem like a lifetime when the situation is prison-like. Just don't run away and live on the streets; that would not be an option. You don't indicate your age, but you sound young. Is there a trusted teacher or counsellor you could confide in? You've got to get out of there now, or you will only make yourself sick from being in a poisonous environment. Find a way, that is safe and realistic, and do it!

Answer 4

You don't have to come out. Especially if it might lead to putting you in immediate danger. Just try to survive your life. Look at all the good things around you and appreciate your life for what you do have, rather than focusing on what is missing. Be happy. A day will come when you will be strong enough to face all of them focus on what will let you attain the stability needed to eventually move away. If you are still in High School try to go away for college or something. But most importantly just be happy in life no point in wasting your time worrying about what to do. You will be out of there in 2 years as you said.

Answer 5

You are under 18? Well then there is no reason to tell anybody. People don't go around saying "I am 20% Italian, 80% Irish" so does it matter if you don't tell people you are gay (etc)? Wait until it will affect your life. When you are out of the house, living on your own and not relying on your family- then you can do what you want, have a relationship..you don't have to tell your family that part of your life. i don't think you should cut them out of your life though, unless you really hate them for other reasons anyway.

Answer 6

I totally understand hun. When you are on your own, move to Seattle. That is a community which is very accepting of the gay lifestyle, has clinics, support groups, you name it they have it. As for your family... Hmmm.. That's a tuff one! You may not be able to come out of the closet .... yet. I'd suggest first finding people who understand your feelings, accept you the way you are, and who will be supportive of you when you do decide it's time to out yourself. At least then you'll have them to fall back on if anyone you tell isn't as understanding as you'd like for them to be. It might also surprise you when you do come out, to find that some of your family already knows. They might be more supportive than you think they'd be. But giving yourself some distance from them before you tell them will be a good thing for you. You can always go back and visit, and check out how supportive they might be later on. Good luck to you!

Answer 7

My best friend was in much the same situation--son of a Baptist preacher. He just spent high school working and saving his money, moved as soon as possible and, after moving out secretly while his family was on vacation and not telling them where he was, he told them. It took them a while to get to where they wanted to talk to him again, but they did (only problem now is that they're falling back into old patterns of trying to get him to come to church and get "fixed"). That's the best advice I can give--just work hard and save your money so when the day comes that you can get out, you can get out fast.

Answer 8

as hard as it may be, the only way to live your life to the fullest is to come out. i know this is not what you want to hear, but unfortunately you won't be living if this part of your life is a secret.

the alternative to coming out in your now homophobic life is to move away from your family, make new gay-friendly friends, and start a new life.

Answer 9

If you can't come out to your family, but you really want to pursue a gay lifestyle, then your best option would be to move away where no one knows you or your family. That way your family won't find out, and you'll be free to live how you need to live.

Answer 10

Move to a big city such as New York or San Francisco, away from stupid homophobes! You have a great future, don't waste your time being around ignorant, dirty, disgusting people.