What strange tears.
These empty hopes, a still hand.
Nothing, nothing and tears.
The moon is dark. A leaf falls.
Coolness sweeps the night air,
And the stars;
The stars are so far away.
You are somewhere,
Somewhere.
Perhaps not even in this world.
You who used to be
My entirety, my whole.
Now just the stars,
The skeletal trees,
The moon, bleeding a silent sketch,
Into the endless sky.
Thanks guys, any comments appreciated :)
x
2006-12-03 08:56:17 · 12 answers · asked by lady_s_hazy 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
MELONIE T, thanks for the advice, though I'm not looking into publishing yet. I need to grow as a writer and stuff, I'm only 17!
2006-12-03 09:05:47 · update #1
its not bad but i wouldn't give up my day job.
2006-12-03 09:00:27 · answer #1 · answered by mom363546 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Most of the imagery is quite trivial, but that's normal for a teenager, I guess. I quite liked 'The skeletal trees' and the end as a whole was really nice.
Not an exquisite poem, but could be turned into a nice depressing piece of a song...
Keep trying :)
2006-12-03 18:00:16 · answer #2 · answered by nelabis 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I really liked that. I can feel the darkness and the coldness and the nothingness. It is a wonderful poem. Oh, FYI, if you are looking for a lot of reviews, try putting some of your work on Writing.com. Keep writing, that was excellent!
2006-12-03 17:00:32 · answer #3 · answered by graciegirl@sbcglobal.net 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
for 17 this is good stuff. of course I say that because it reminds me of my poetry when I was 17.
keep at it and just let it flow, polish it later so as to not interrupt the flow and don't let critics get you down.
that's what M Knight Shamylan's last movie was about. him getting back at the critics and he did an excellent job of it.
critics are usually people who can't do so they become critics.
keep up the good work and study the greats like Walt Whitman, Robert Frost, Emerson and yes, Shakespeare hisself.
2006-12-03 18:44:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi! It was pretty good. I got the sense that u broke up with someone and u just can't get over them and you are lookin in the sky hopin they are lookin at the same star u are. I could be wrong, but that's what I got out of it. Good Job. Keep it up!!
2006-12-03 17:04:16 · answer #5 · answered by Ally G. 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good poem. I feel depressed when I read this poem, not because it is a bad poem, but because it is a good poem. It is good thing to bring emotion to your reader as they are reading your work, even if it is a sad emotion. Life has its ups and downs, and a good poet can capture those moments. Good job!!!
2006-12-03 18:08:10 · answer #6 · answered by Josie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's ok.
Keep writing - you show some promise.
You might try to make things less about yourself and try to relate more to the world around you in your writing. It will then grow into something bigger, something more people can relate to.
2006-12-03 17:09:44 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not bad...never never put a new poem on this type of forum..to easy to be taken (if publishing is what you are looking into)
2006-12-03 17:04:21 · answer #8 · answered by MELONIE T 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well,it seams to be about dying. That or a lost lover. If that is what you were going for then congrats.
2006-12-03 17:05:46 · answer #9 · answered by jakegrimmadder 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems very personal - like a good poem should be.
2006-12-03 17:02:03 · answer #10 · answered by bibliobethica 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good work
2006-12-03 17:05:16 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋