What should i do?

Question

I have been married for 10 years but worked away for 5 of them. My marriage has not been the happiest and i never seen myself being with my wife forever she never shows me any love, we never make love and all she ever does is put me down. But we have children together and i love them. I have never cheated before and never intended to until I met a girl when i was out and have been having an affair for the past 6 months she has shown me love affection and makes me happy. At first we just talked and text each other but feeling began to grow for both of us. My wife has just found out she said she would never let me see the kids again and she would hurt me as much as i have hurt her but now she has said she wants to try for the kids! But will it work would i be doing the right thing when i believe my heart is somewhere else.

My wife is very controlling and never lets me do the things i want to do. She found out about this girl and believed that i had ended it. She told me she would change and did for about a week. She stopped moaning at me! But after that things went back to normal and recently she has been saying that i ain't going to be there for much longer and that was before she found out i was still having an affair. The other person has shown me life as i knew it before i met my wife. What it is like to have fun, to feel loved and above all to be strong and do things for myself. I would never stop seeing my children and would fight her all the way to get access. But is anything going to change or am i going to be in the same position in a couple of months.

Answer 1

Love your kids - support them financially....but follow your heart,

This life is Not a rehearsal

Answer 2

I can start by saying this to you....Yes, you are happy with the other woman because your expectations and why you started cheating were met....Think about it..the woman that you cheat with is because of the problems between you and your wife...You have not sat your wife down and talked to her.....You need to do so before you go any further....If you leave your wife and this woman does the same thing to you, then what?...Sometimes what you have outside your marriage isn't the best because the other woman is just there to make you feel good....If your marriage and talking and trying to work things out, then leave and fight for joint custody to see your kids.....You also need to ask yourself is the other woman going to do the things I want?Is she going to cook, clean and satisfy all of my needs and wants?or is my feelings there because of the now?

You stated that you were gone for 5 years, that's a long time time away from your spouse...Do some soul searching, praying and asking GOD for answers and you will see....Don't jump out of the fire into a frying pan(Don't leave your wife without fully knowing what you are getting into a relationship with)...You don't fully know this woman because when you cheated it was for attention purposes......Get to know this woman or open your eyes as to your likes and dislikes with this woman......Don't leave until you have fully thought this over....

Good Luck

Answer 3

Sir, you say that you have been married for 10yrs but worked away for 5.Your wife was left with the kids and wondering what about you for half of the marriage.Put yourself in her shoe.
No hubby.Nobody to hold her when she needs it.You are the man.Pursue your wife again and make her feel as though She is the only one for you.Your job may have had you away for 5 yrs but as the MAN of your household you are supposed to make time especially for YOUR WIFE.
She probably feels neglected and has grown away from you because of the time you spent away.Stop saying she is controlling.When you were away who was the one at the controls at home?
Go out on a date night and try to rekindle your love. You say you believe your heart is somewhere else where do you think your wife's was when you were away all this time.
Forget the lover on the side and try to work things out.You have 5years to make up for.

Answer 4

Couple of things............married 10 years, worked away for 5.........how did you treat your wife when you were home? Did you come home for 'a rest' and expect family to revolve around you? My ex did........he saw no reason to take me out for an evening, his social life when working away was good. Mine was non existant and he failed to acknowledge that a night out when he was home was not an unreasonable hope.
Thing is........you have to show love to get love..........so I wonder if your wife has felt neglected by you in favour of your work.
Your wife is, understandably, angry. Wouldn't you be if the shoe was on the other foot?
You say your wife wants to try to make things work and yet you ask "will it work would i be doing the right thing when i believe my heart is somewhere else." The very fact that you ask that question implies to me that you have made your decision and don't want to try to work things out with your wife, in which case, you'll have to live with whatever the consequences are.

Answer 5

i think you should leave your wife and see your kids as much as you can and don't let her stop you. you had an affair because you were not happy and now she know she will never trust you again. if you stay together you will make each other more unhappy and your kids will be Cort in the middle of all off this. which one do you love and want to wake up next to every day that's the one you should be with. good luck x

Answer 6

What do you want? Do you think things will change? Can you leave the other person and have no contact? Would she really stop you seeing your kids?
If you are not happy your children will pick up on the tension, and they will resent one of you. If only wants to try for thr kids then does she really love you or is she afraid of being on her own.
You only get one chance in life and life is to short to be un-happy. If your heart is not in it then it won't work and the children will be the ones that suffer in the long run because they are going to have to put up with the tension, arguments and the no doubt nasty comments that will be made. Think of yourself and in time everyone will be happy.

Answer 7

You guys can't try for the kids because BOTTOM LINE- it's not the kids relationship, it's yours!

Take out a piece of paper and make 2 columns- 1) Pros of working it out 2) Cons of working it out. Compile your list and look it over...what did you come up with?

If the Pros out weight the Cons, have your wife do the same list...then go away for the evening. Nothing fancy, just check in somewhere for dinner and a night away and discuss.

If you BOTH think things can be worked out- find a marriage counselor- don't try to do it on your own...you have a lot of heeling to do.

If you find that your CONS list is longer than your PROS list- well...get a good lawyer and try not to make your divorce into an all out war for the sake of the kids.

Answer 8

Oh dear...this is difficult! Maybe a cooling off period is called for with the girlfriend. If you do love your wife perhaps you could give her a chance but if she never showed you love before it may be that she never will. If the worse comes to the worse you are entitled to see your children. Take some time to think and try not to obsess about the NEW WOMAN ... it's only natural that you feel strongly for her because we all need to feel we are loved. Take some time and don't rush into anything.

Answer 9

well, what you'll realize first of all is that if you leave your wife for this other girl, things will eventually be the same....love isn't infinite, rather it is temporary and people abuse its purpose. I advise to make the most out of what love you have....seek love, don't be too worried about others because if you do they will eventually break your heart and leave you with nothing. Maybe you should talk to your wife about how much she hurt you, she drove you away and you were seeking what she should have been giving you in the first place, its just as much her fault you cheated as yours. but my advice, do it for the kids, love them...for their love will never betray you. the only thing it lacks is the physical and sexual sense....but then again a man could get that on just about any street corner in any major city....I say do what it takes to have your children's love....don't bother yourself with women for eventually you'll find it isn't worth it....I'm 17 and I know that.

Answer 10

You are still married, so your responsibility (not to mention your vows) is to your wife and family. The "steaminess" of your outside relationship will cool down eventually and you'll be right back where you started. Get counselling (WITH your wife) and work on putting your marriage back together - not "for the sake of the kids" - that's B.S. Do it because you know what is right. Suppose you divorce and marry Miss Other, what is it based on - you will be married to a woman who would sleep with another woman's husband and she'd be married to a man who can justify to himself cheating on his wife.

Answer 11

You're a snake. You married your current wife. You need to stop screwing around and focus your attention on how you are going to fix this mess. Get some counseling. You have a lifetime to make it up to your wife. You better start by kissing her AS# today!! The feelings you feel for this "new thing" are probably the same ones you felt for your wife when you got married.