i found my man in bed with another woman, what do i do?

Question

please dont say leave him or kick him out as we have 2 kids and i love him but i need to know how to get over this and how long will it take. i feel numb and im sobing. i feel sick. he says hes sorry.

Answer 1

Wash the sheets and give him whatever he was having to seek from other women.

Answer 2

1) It is sad but it is true most man differentiate between sex and love, having said that, How sorry is he ? How long have you been married ? Was this the first time ? Is he the sole money maker in the family ?
2) Believe me, a divorce is an act of last last resort, I dont why American culture treats that so casually and always as a first option. Some cultures divorces are never considered as an option. A divorce will hurt the children, everyone in this country is so selfish and thinks for only themselves nobody ever thinks of what happens to children as a result of a divorce.
3) You can both get over it, it will take time and lots of it. It will take trust, but he has to be sincere and honest, do you believe he is sorry ? if he really is that you should work it out. Dont make yourself so available to him right away. You do need to see a counselor it will help more than you think.
If you dont exercise start exercising like crazy, not because so you look better for him but because your body will release natural chemicals to help you deal with the stress.

Answer 3

IF he is truly remorseful and you are willing to forgive him then he must demonstrate his remorse by removing all avenues tha enabled him to have the relationship in the first place. He must cease all contact with that person forever. Don't ask for the naughty details as that will drive you insane and don't harp on it. If you throw it in his face at every turn when he isn't doing anything then you will actually push him to believe there isn't any reason why he shouldn't fool around again. Keep in mind that your marriage was already in trouble before any of the affair happened. Men fool around because of how they feel about themselves when they are with other women. It is a lame, selfish and juvenile thing for them to do but will do it if they feel there aren't any consequences. Forgive him once but NEVER TWICE!
It will also take a long time for you guys to get back the trust that you once had. It isn't impossible and it definitely won't be easy but it can be done. Don't cry anymore. You can't undo what has happened but you can take each new day as it comes and make the best of it. Good Luck!

Answer 4

The problem here is you will probably never be able to trust him again. Everytime he's 2 minutes late,everytime he's on the phone,or you can't contact him at work-you will end up thinking the worst. I understand that you love him-but you need to think how this is going to affect you-not to mention the kids. Children understand far more than we realise-and they will pick up on the bad feeling. If you have family you can visit,I suggest you do for awhile,and let your husband know you and the kids are going away for a little while so that you can think about what you want to do next. Counselling is a very good idea-if he won't go,then go on your own. But don't try to bury this and pretend it didn't happen-be open about your feelings-and let him no how angry and upset you are!

Answer 5

Of course he's sorry. He's sorry he got caught.
And you can't really ask a question and then tell people what NOT to answer, or you won't get "real" answers.
Having two kids is not a reason to stay married to a cheater.
Loving him is not a reason to stay married to a cheater.
Make no decisions when you are numb and sobbing and feeling sick.
You need to allow yourself the time to get to a mental place where you can make a decision about this more with your mind than your heart.
Some people DO get over this type of thing. I would not be one of them.
I do believe, though, that the way to get over it, if that's what you want for yourself, is to go together to a counselor for help. If he refuses, you could go alone, but his refusal would point back to the original premise that he is more sorry that he got caught than he is sorry.

Answer 6

It is normal that you feel bad. To recover from trauma, a victim has a natural tendency to go back to the traumatic experience, questioning, going over details repetitiously: “What did you do? Where? When? How often?” The traumatized spouse must go over the events until the emotional distress caused by them becomes manageable. They must reach a point where they feel there are no more surprises.
Often, the betraying spouse wants to get things over quickly, after admitting to their infidelity. They must develop empathy for what the betrayed spouse is experiencing, and be willing to live with the pain of guilt, until genuine healing can occur. In addition, the betraying spouse may learn something about them self in the questioning process. They may begin to see their own motives, vulnerabilities, and selfishness. If both spouses can tolerate and control the emotions involved, they may come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity occurred, signaling the beginning of a more substantial level of recovery. Recovery usually takes 1 to 3 years.

Answer 7

Hello Pillow.

Well if i were in your situation I would be worried for the children being brought up in a home where the father treated the mother with this little respect. YOUR CHILDREN are the most important in this situation. When they see him disrespect you and dishonour you they think that's normal. IT'S NOT NORMAL, and you need help to come to terms with your feelings of inferiority. This man is treating you like dirt and you SHOULD NOT put up with it. Get in touch with RELATE on line and see if they can give you some help. Even if you don't think you are important, you must see that this isn't good for the children.

FLIPPIN ECK HE SAYS HE'S SORRY!!!!!!! where does he keep his brains? He has no self control or just doesn't give a figs pip

Answer 8

Ouch. Well, if it was just that you found out, I'd totally say stick with it, go to counseling for the kids, etc.
And I still want to say that, but given that you actually saw this, well, I don't want you to pressure yourself.
Sometimes the things we try to force ourself to do with "shoulds" and all that, become the last thigns we're capable of.
So, why don't you give it the attitude that, "Well, you know, I'll try, but first you need to give me space before I even can. Then, I'll give it my best shot, but I won't pressure myself."
And dear, there are some men who sow their seeds because men are meant to do that anyway, and they're not thinking, they're just busy being the animals they were born to be. And they won't change.
And there are some, who are devastated by something like this, and will seriously never do it again.
Those, I may be wrong but this seems to make sense, tend to be the ones who only got involved because of problems in the marriage. If that's what did it, and it very often is the case, then you two are going to have to get through those problems.
And even though what he did was totally wrong, you are going to have to admit your role in making things better, and worse. You boht need to ask for what you want and need, and sometimes give up on these things or put them on hold, in ways that are respectful and compassionate. If that happens, then both of you are the kind of partner who can fix and even prevent problems, before they become the sort of issues that lead to either one of you turning outside the marriage for the sustenance s/he does not get at home.
It's awful, waht's happened. But you will never get through this, and forgive him, if you cannot see your own role in making sure this never happens again.
And if he can't do the same for you,
well, Honey,
get rid of him.

Answer 9

Getting hurt like that is a permanent scar to a person. I know it may be hard to get over that but I hope that counselling works. It even gets harder when you have kids but sometimes its either you could forgive him or leave him. Trust is a very big thing in a relationship. Just ask yourself if you could trust him again and then follow what your heart is telling you.

Answer 10

You can read peoples advise, but to be honest, it's really what is inside, how you really feel?
The thing is that now he has cheated on you, will you ever trust him, you can't just stay with him for the kids, because they will be able to feel the friction, you need to do what you think, by all means listen to others advise, but no one can tell you what to do but you!
The thing is, you will always wonder where he is, if just 1 minute late, and you will think that if he's done it once, why won't he do it again, don't do it just for the kids sake, my parents did that, and it didn't do me any favours!!!

Answer 11

You may not want to hear this but you definitely need to get away. Now I am not saying leave him but you have to get some space for you and your kids sake. There are no easy answers when it comes to cheating. But if you are resolved in working things out, go to a counselor for yourself first to help with your emotions. Then if at all possible, see a marriage counselor. But for your kids sake, find some space so that your relationship with them are not effected.

It may sound silly but prayer never hurts. I do pray that you are able to find some peace.