My ex-husband and I have been trying to get back together for a long time. We divorced about 3 years ago but have been in constant contact since then. He was abusive, controlling and money-minded. He has custody of my 14 year old daughter and lives in another state.
Now, he has a job offer in another state and wants me to move there with him. I have to let him know by tomorrow what I want to do.
My suggestion to him was to send my daughter to me and he move to the other state and start the job there since they will relocate him. He wants to start life in the new state with me and my child.
I am confused because he said a few weeks ago that I am not marriageable material and messed up. Yet, now he says that we should be together and start life again.
I don't know if he has changed. His e-mails and phone conversations tell me that he has not. Yet, to be with a family again is tempting to me.
2006-12-03 02:24:49 · 17 answers · asked by Stareyes 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have answered your on question already. You say you know that he has not changed, by his emails and phone conversations. I understand your wanting to be a family again, but if there has not been a change, it will not work. Sounds to me like he is just fearful of this making the move alone and having you and your daughter accompany him will keep the unknown within his comfort zone.
Your daughter needs a stable home, not one that is being moved from state to state...Talk to about allowing your daughter to come live with you until he is settled. This will give you the time to evaluate the sitituation and think more clearly.
2006-12-03 02:39:32 · answer #1 · answered by Bbear 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My dear friend, I have been in the same boat and allowed my husband to return home and I must tell you it has worked. It is now nearly 9 years later and we are the best of friends. Sometimes men leave their wives because of their own insecurities and inadequacies thinking that by seeking other females life will be better, but they merely plod along carrying their families with them, regretting that they ever went. Not all men do but most men do and usually want their wives back.
My advise to you is make sure you have your own money first and also get help for your feelings and emotions. You no doubt like me have been through horrendous emotions and anger and no wonder you feel messed up. Go back if you want to. It is not wrong to want to be reconciled to your man. This time go with God along your side. Get to know God if you dont, because he knows everything about you and everything about your husband. It can do no harm to try. You have to make an effort to forgive him for the hurt he brought on you and your family. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but a choice. Forgiveness frees you and him. Let go the past, afterall nothing anyone does can change the past. It happened. Our bodies are made to look forward and sideways but not backwards. Keep focussing on the new and become positive and fight the negative with positive thoughts. IT can work and you know what at the end of the day, everyone deserves a second chance! Remember it takes 2 to make a fight so divorce can be 50%-50%. Everything in life is surrounded by the word CHOICE. You are either going to choose good or bad, that depends on you.
I understand the wariness you feel, but then it really is what you want to do. If you dont give it a shot, you will never know. Stand your ground from the word go and never allow control and manipulation. YOu go back as his partner and friend. Start off as friends. Give it a year at least and then decide to remarry. I would suggest you seek the counsel of an accountable person.
I wish you Gods richest blessing and trust he will heal you all. Go with God. Its worth it! Trust me!
2006-12-03 02:45:14 · answer #2 · answered by uniquechild 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know that he has not changed so why do you want to put yourself back in an abusive relationship? All the reasons that made you divorce are still there so you will not just be a family again. Take care of yourself and don´t move with him even though understand you want to be with your daughter
2006-12-03 02:34:09 · answer #3 · answered by Eileen 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well....let me just say that I've read a few of your questions and it is clear to me that you are a very troubled woman. I would suggest that before you make another major life decision that you get some help dealing with your issues. It is clear that you love your daughter and I'm sure she misses her mother. However, it is also clear that there is something you are not telling. The courts don't give custody easily to men especially if they are abusive and controlling like you say he is. So, if you want to have a good life and be a part of your daughters life, you need to pull your act together and get some professional counseling. Don't wait.....good luck to you and to your family.
2006-12-03 02:41:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
People never change..I understand that your daughter is most important, but don't pick-up and move if you have any reservations about your ex...it's that bit of doubt and past behavior that will haunt you and can turn around and bite you at any time. You should take custody and let him move on. The family unit sounds good, but sometimes you just have to cut your losses and start over. I wish you all the best!
2006-12-03 02:32:12 · answer #5 · answered by Robert B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do NOT go with him!!! From what you say, you know that he has not changed, and if you give up your job and move with him, you will be dependent on him and things will be just as bad as they were before. If you want to be near your daughter, move to the new city on your own terms-- find a job there and a place to live there before you move. It might mean that you move after he does, but it sounds like you need a little distance and perspective. Once he is gone, if you still decide to move there, then you can continue the process of reconciliation. If you go with him now, you will abort that process and find yourself in a de ja vu bad situation. Good Luck!!
2006-12-03 02:30:25 · answer #6 · answered by Annie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Forget it. He's trying to contiinue to order you around again. Get your daughter back and resume your life with her and let him do the visiting. He's already said what he wants you to believe - you're not marriageable, etc., but yet he wants to make sure you keep on believing by limiting you to be only with HIM. Now that he'll be farther away in this new job, he wont be able to control that fulltime anymore. See the light yet? Let him go. He's been controlling your life since the divorce, you just hadnt realized it. Get away from him and get a new life - fast!
2006-12-03 02:31:34 · answer #7 · answered by miladybc 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't sound like a person you should be with. Many women think that men will change, but honey, WAKE UP. You do not want to put your child in an abusive sitauation. Let him move and you and your child stay where you are and wait for a better man to come along. He is your EX-husband for a REASON.
2006-12-03 02:28:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let your Ex STAY your Ex. Unless you two have some relationship and family counseling, there is no point in starting over. You're just asking for more of the same abuse.
2006-12-03 02:31:34 · answer #9 · answered by Kim 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know what you need to do...you hold the answer. It's right under your nose...do not choose relationships that are unhealthy for you...you've been down that path..WHY GO AGAIN! Focus on yourself...get an education and stop trying to find YOUR LIFE in someone elses! Why on earth you would show your children that this it is o.k. to accept abuse from another person is beyond me. Ask the lord for help, pray--join a church support group and find strength in faith. Good luck to you and your children...move on!!!
2006-12-03 02:32:55 · answer #10 · answered by MicG 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋