How do I get myself to sleep with someone i don't feel like?

Question

I am 25/f/India.

I am a total romantic. I've had some crushes & I have fallen in love once. It didn't work out between us...that's history now.

Anyway...I'm not the kind of person who would sleep with a man just out of lust/ to experiment/ animal sex. I have always felt emotionally attached towards the person i've been with. (I've only been with one major crush and the man I fell in love with).

Now my parents have fixed me up with a man to whom I feel no emotional connection. We've met a couple of times. The wedding is in 10 days. However, there is nothing I can do to delay the wedding / stop it. Telling my fiance how i feel may ruin the marriage. At the same time I need to move on in life.

I don't know how to consummate the wedding night because it goes against all my beliefs and principles and emotional make-up to sleep with someone i dont feel connected with.

PLease advice me on how to go about it...I need to make my marriage work.

It is an arranged marrige and in order to be happy I need to make it work or I'd end up miserable.

I spoke about this to my mother. She said that at least i've met him. In the olden days the wedding night was the first time the groom used to see the bride's face. So i must thank my stars and learn to adjust

Please note: The fact that this mrriage is arranged doesn't bother me. My parents too had an arranged marriage and they're happy with each other. It takes time to like someone. But I cannot get time as the wedding cannot be delayed. My main problem is with consummating the marriage before getting to know him.

It is not that I dont like the guy - he is fine - but i just dont feel emotionally connected to him - i guess that will take time - but till then how do i consummate my marriage without feeling bad about compramising my beliefs about sleeping with someone i truely love and care about?

Answer 1

I have no experience with arranged marriages and while there may be some merit to them, I don't think it meshes well with today's me-me-me sense of entitlement. I have no idea what the success rate is for arranged marriages, but it sure as hell can't be much worse than many of the "shotgun" or impromptu Vegas-style weddings here in the west. My husband of 12 years and I are of the "shotgun" type marriage. ;) I became pregnant and we got married. Went through a lot of rough years before we finally stopped avoiding the issues that had been keeping us from truly loving one another. I fell in love with my husband 9 years after we were married. Up until then I just loved him, but felt alienated from him.

The secret we found was to OWNING OUR OWN MARRIAGE. While you may feel overwhelming pressure from your family and community, and you wish to respect them and your traditions, you will ultimately have to decide whose marriage this is anyway? Are you really ready to be married to this man for the rest of your life? You also need to be prepared to stand up for yourself. One doesn't need to be domineering to get one's way. It just means you need to approach your husband to be in a co-operative and generously-spirited way and say "Okay look, we need to make this marriage work, but I have a serious problem. As my new husband, I am hoping that you are the kind of man I can trust and can be completely honest with. I need to tell you that I need to feel respected as an equal partner in this marriage, and as such I am hoping that my feelings will be taken seriously." You then add to this, "I don't want to be untruthful to you; you deserve my respect, and part of that respect is to never lie to you. I want our wedding night to be special, and I just can't be excited about someone that I know nothing about. Surely you can appreciate this? I would like to spend some time getting to know you before we consummate our marriage. Can you help me with this?"

Appeal to his better nature. Unless he's completely misogynistic and without an ounce of common sense (after all, what fool wouldn't take the opportunity to get along with the woman he's supposed to be with for the rest of his life?), he should respond.

Alternatively, you might consider approaching your parents (mother) about this issue. If this marriage MUST take place, I am hoping that your family will be supportive and helpful.

God bless, and take care of one another.

EDIT>> I just wanted to add that I don't buy most of the divorces that cited "irreconcilable differences" as the cause. It should rather be "selfishness". I think arranged marriages CAN work if you recognize the fact that every human being is worthy of being loved unconditionally. God loves us in this way, unworthy as we are, and we are to follow His divine example.

Answer 2

Ask yourself one question. Are you going to be more miserable by marrying him or not marrying him? I'm not sure how bad it would be to call it off but I can tell you that you're doomed from the start if you feel like you cannot have sex with him. That is an essential of marriage and love. If you decide to marry you could always use your imagination and maybe visit a sex shop and get a little help in making sex easier on yourself. Theres all sorts of products for women to sexually stimulate them and hopefully over a period of time the feelings will build and you will actually desire intimacy with him. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 3

We, as Indians are faced with this peculiar problem of having to live with someone, we don't even know, for the rest of our lives. Yet the majority of us manages to settle down.

I too had a six year long affair with a girl whom I dearly loved but fate had something else in store for us. We had to agree to part ways. It was years ago. I'm married now with the girl of my parent's choice, She is the mother of our 2 lovely kids.

I always consider Marriage as an Institution and not merely a Contract. There is commitment attached to it and mutual respect between the partners is essential right from day-one to make it work well. Love begins after marriage and blossoms each day thereafter, but it requires a sincere effort from both partners.

Answer 4

Well sounds to me like you are going to be miserable with the marriage or without. So, I would personally opt out of the marriage and find my own happiness, make my own happiness. This is a cultural thing, I am not sure what to tell you. I have never had to deal with such an issue and I think if it meant loosing my family or being married to a man I don't love, I would loose my family. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 5

Your culture is much different from ours here in he U.S. where we marry for many reasons, but rarely is it because of it being arranged by our parents w/o our consent.

I don't know how to tell you how to fall in love with your future husband...in my experience the chemistry is either there or it is not...I cannot imagine marrying someone I barely knew and didn't even know if I liked (or actually disliked).

Is this mandatory? Is there no way your family would allow you not to go through with this? I'm sorry i cannot help or give any useful advice on this situation...but I do hope that whatever happens, you will be happy.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, you are from a country where it is a part of your culture to have arranged marriages. Is there any way you can tell your Father or Mother that you don't want to be with this man? If not, ask your new husband to please take it slow and be patient with you. I wish I could help more, but I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

If you go through with the marriage you will be unhappy and devastated! Stand up for what you believe in! Marriage is not a constant honey moon and if you are not in love it will be virtually impossible to make it work as long as you know that you want something else

Answer 8

Very difficult for feelings to be respected when you have been thrust together by your families. I suppose that the only hope is that your feelings for one another might increase on an emotional level as time goes one! Good luck, wish I could offer a better solution!

Answer 9

Wow, this is very difficult situation. If there is no way to get out of it, this is an inner battle you must face. There is nothing anyone can tell you here, that will help. If you want to make your marriage work you must get it into your head that you truly want that, and you will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Answer 10

This is 2006..people dont accept arranged marriages anymore. Tell your family how you feel and stand on your own two feet. If they dont accept it..fine..they will eventually come around..if not, is it worth spending the rest of your life with a man you dont love? Ask yourself that question.