Am I being selfish?

Question

Ok, my mom died when I was 8 and I am now 15, my dad has been going out with 3 women since then. I hate everyoneof them, not as a person, but I don't want anyone to replace my mom. Then recently I think he has started seeing this other lady, I met her a long time ago and once again I hate her. My dad asked me and my two brothers if it would be ok if he brought her up to go snowboarding with us. I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn't care. But I do care. Am I being to selfish? I just don't want anyone to replace my mom. What can I do? Please help me. I really don't want to talk to my dad about it so....

Oh and if it helps, I am a girl.

I will never willingly except another women into my life, I can talk to my friends, (even though it's uncomfortable talking to them) I would rather talk to them then some person that over took my life.

Oh and another thing, I HATE COUNSLERS.

Acadia this is for you
1Why am I afraid someone will replace my mom?
I’m not afraid, I just don’t want then to.
Would my mom want my dad to be alone?
I don’t know, he has a kids though.
Would my mom want her kids to hate people?
No… but I don’t hate them as a person.
Why isn't it okay to have a woman for a friend?
I have a woman for a friend she’s 19 and I tell her everything.
Even if she's not trying to replace my mom?
SHE IS TRYING TO REPLACE MY MOM
Am I trying to be the adult female in the family for my dad and brothers?
No
Is that why I don't want another woman in my dad's life?
Since I answered no to the last question, NO
Is there any kind of female presence I would accept?
Um…. NOOO
Why did I have to lie to my dad about not caring that his friend came with us?
Because I didn’t want him to ask me question about why I didn’t

How is this affecting my dad and brothers?
My dad doesn’t give a **** about me, and my brothers don’t care
How is this affecting me?
IT SUCKS
Was there any real reason to hate these women?
YEP THEY ARE TRYING TO OVER TAKE MY LIFE

Answer 1

Your father loves you. I know that it's hard to see when you're a teenager, but he does. Try to think back to the Christmases and birthdays that you had before your hormones went insane, girl. For real. Has it ever occurred to you that your father stopped dating these women because he knew that you would disrupt their lives in every way? He did it because he had to choose, and he chose you over her.

No one is going to replace your mother. Not to you, and as hard as it is for you to believe it, not for your father, either. A man will ALWAYS love the mother of his children. Don't forget that.

Also, though, your father needs to live. When you're an adult, life can get lonely, even if you DO have kids. That's why people get married. Not only is it because they love each other, but it is for the life-long companionship, as well. There's only so much companionship that your father can get from you and your siblings. Certain types of companionship, though, your father cannot get from you.

You're old enough to hear it, so I'll tell you. Your father may want to go to a bar at some point to chill with a friend. A lady friend is the most likely choice. You cannot do that, and you would lose all respect for you father if he wanted you to.

Your father needs sex, and obviously, you cannot do that, either. Men and women have needs, and as crass as it sounds, that's one of them.

When you've been married before, the feeling of waking up with someone in your arms makes everything in your life seem better. Once you've been widowed, you crave that feeling again. It's not easy being a widow, raising children on your own.

Your father will always miss your mother, hon. He will. I can promise you that. You will always miss her, as well. You can't deny your father a life, though. He's still ALIVE! I know that it sucks that someone may enter your life other than your mother, but as a growing young woman, you need to make the decision to handle this like an adult. A stepmother can eventually be a great ally for you. You would have someone to take you shopping, to do your hair, and to talk to you about boys when you're confused.

You don't have to love her like you do your mother. No one would expect you to. At least, though, try to see the benefits that she would bring to your household, and more importantly, hhow happy she would make your father.

Show your father that you are on the way to being an adult. I know that letting go is a sacrifice for you, but your father is making a bigger sacrifice by not remarrying.

... And he's doing it for you.

Answer 2

What you are feeling is completely normal! My parents divorced when I was 8 yrs old (I am a girl too) and I hated every man my Mom dated. (My Dad never dated until after I grew up). My Mom always acted differently towards us when her boyfriends were around. As an adult now I can tell you that being without a partner can be lonely. However, you kids are your Dad's priority. Can you talk freely with your dad? Can you tell him how you really feel? Maybe you could ask him to make it clear to his girlfriends that you are not looking for a replacement mother. By the way, no one will EVER replace your Mother! May be your Dad feels bad that you don't have a mother anymore, maybe he wants you to have a mother figure. Always be honest with your Dad about your feelings-if it bothers you, then you need to let him know. You don't have to like these ladies, but you do have to be polite with them. If any of them are mistreating you make sure you tell another adult. This is a very difficult situation. Hang in there and don't forget to give them a chance. To answer your question: no, you are not being selfish. You are being a kid who lost her Mom and is scared and kids don't know what it is like to be an adult so no one can expect them to understand adult feelings. Hang in there!

Answer 3

I am sorry to say yes, I think you are being selfish. It is hard when a parent passes away. Believe me, no one wants to replace her (most especially the women - those are big shoes to fill) but life does go on and your dad needs companionship. I am sure he would tell you that if he had his choice your mom would still be with him and he wouldn't be looking at another woman - but that is not the case. And while no one can replace your mother - wouldn't it be nice for you to have a trusted older female in the house that you can talk to about stuff your dad can't help you with?

I have step parents like crazy and while it is not the same as losing a parent, I can tell you that a new spouse is primarily concerned with making their spouse happy - and that usually means making the kids happy. Think of any new woman in your father's life as a substitute companion for your dad and a possible friend and confidant to you.

Peace!

Answer 4

First , I am sorry that your Mother passed to the next stage of life when you were so young. Secondly, there is absolutely no one that could ever replace your Mom, and no one should even act like they can, that is highly disrespectful to the mother. Third, I do not think that you are being selfish, you are protecting your Mother's position, and I, as a Mother, respect that. I know it will not be easy to like another woman with your Dad, but he needs consoling as well he is dealing with the loss as much as you are, even if he does not show this. Him dating other women does not mean that he does not love your Mother, and it does not mean that he does not miss her. I know all of you do very much. Your Dad does love you, he may not have shown this, but he does. I was raised by my Dad as well, and there was never a woman he was with that I did like, as a person they were fine, I guess, I just never felt any of them were good enough. I was also afraid of losing him, if that makes any sense, now I see that him being with a woman other than my mother was what he needed to deal with his pain. He told me later that he was sorry for not being able to get us a mother, what he did not realize was that we did not need a new mother, we already had one, maybe your Dad is thinking the same way.

Answer 5

You are not selfish to not consider your dad's happiness. He is an adult and you are a child, you have nothing to with his happiness outside of your relationship with him. You are being selfish in not telling him how you really feel. He doesn't know what to do, he's never been in this situation before either. Your dad is probably doing what he thinks is best for you all as a family and it's not fair that he makes such a large decision without all the information..how you really feel. He wants you to throw him a bone why else would he ask? He can always wait until you move you out to date and he knows that. You are a young woman so act like it and go have a conversation with your dad. Good Luck sweetie, hope I didn't sound too harsh. ;o)

Answer 6

I don't think it's really selfish, I think you're still hanging onto this memory of your mom. Which is fine. But in some cases you have to let go. You'll always remember your mom and nobody else will take her place in your heart, but there's no real harm in letting another woman into your life. She would have a different place in your heart and in your dad's.

You have to tell your dad the simple truth about how you feel. He can't try to make you happy if he thinks you're okay with things you're not. I know it's hard but try at least to tell the truth about the trip. He might be mad that you lied, but he'll try not to hurt you by maybe changing the trip or explaining to his friend that she shouldn't come this time.

You don't necessarily have to see a counselor or talk to your dad. You could talk about this with your brothers, a friend, an aunt, your grandma, or anybody you want! Or you could write about your feelings in a journal. I think it would help to talk about or write your answers to questions like these:

Why am I afraid someone will replace my mom?
Would my mom want my dad to be alone?
Would my mom want her kids to hate people?
Why isn't it okay to have a woman for a friend?
Even if she's not trying to replace my mom?
Am I trying to be the adult female in the family for my dad and brothers?
Is that why I don't want another woman in my dad's life?
Is there any kind of female presence I would accept?
Why did I have to lie to my dad about not caring that his friend came with us?
How is this affecting my dad and brothers?
How is this affecting me?
Was there any real reason to hate these women?
Etc.

Those are the kinds of things you would talk about in counseling, but like I said, you can write it down or talk to somebody you trust instead of a stranger. Asking yourself questions like that does really help you understand things and maybe change how you feel. Once you get more comfortable with your feelings and understand where they come from, maybe you could take things from your answers to discuss with your dad and help explain how you feel about these women.

GOSH, sorry I tried to help. I meant you should actually think about DEEP answers to those questions and how they might relate to your feelings. I thought you wanted to know what you can do. That's something you can do. If you can't seriously consider the real, emotional aspects of your mom's death and your reaction to it, then maybe you SHOULD see a counselor. You would need to work on that before anything can get better. Why did you ask this if you were just going to give quick, smart-aleck responses? You're not looking for help, you're looking for someone to say "OMG that's so wrong! Of course your dad should never talk to another woman and you should keep hating people!"

Answer 7

Yes, you are being selfish, but it's understandable.

Like it or not, you are going to have to talk to your Dad about this. Your mom's death is still pretty recent, and you're still young. It's okay to resent these other women, but I can almost guarantee you that your father doesn't look at them as a replacement for your mother.

But people get lonely, and people need love and affection. I promise you that your mom hasn't been forgotten, and he still loves her very much. But grief is a process, and he's finally come to terms with it and is trying to move on with his life.

I think the problem here is that you haven't accepted your mother's death entirely yet. Maybe, if you can't talk to your Dad for whatever reason, you could go to him and ask if he could set you up with a counselor.

Answer 8

Are you being selfish? Yes, you are. You are not considering your Dad's happiness. He is NOT trying to replace your Mom and he knows he never could, but he deserves companionship for his life. You do not have to love another woman as a mother, but you do owe your Dad the respect of respecting his companions and understand that your Dad may indeed get married again. There is nothing wrong with this nor is he trying to be cruel to you kids. No way his companion or possible new wife will be your mother. She will know this, too, but she would be the woman of the house and, as such, could be (if you allow it) a great friend and ally to you. If she learns to love your Dad and he loves her you owe it to him to keep peace in the house.

Answer 9

You are not selfish, especially since you agreed to act sociably towards the girlfriend despite your feelings. That is a sign of maturity- even if you don't have the "right" feelings, you do the right thing instead of what your feelings tell you to do.

I think you're having healthy, normal feelings for a girl your age in your situation. On one hand, you are showing tremendous love and loyalty to your mother, a thing you are better at than your father. On the other hand, you are showing an inability to let go, move on, and accept the new situation that replaces the old. It is a virtue to be able to move on, but very natural to have trouble doing it. I think your father is actually having trouble, since he has gone through 3 women so quickly- it sounds like deep down he just wants your mother back, and doesn't know how to handle it any other way than grasping at other women in hopes that they'll fill a gap that only your mother can fill.

Hate is a very natural reaction to these substitutes, especially if your dad is not showing truly loving feelings towards them- if he's on his third, he probably is showing very mixed and confusing feelings. However, if you want to be a better-than-normal person, you need to learn how to control your hate. You should not be directing it at places that really don't deserve it, such as your dad's girlfriends. She is not your enemy; she is a person who might become a loving member of your family who you will know for the rest of her life. Do not view her as someone to hate, but someone you might love. I know it's hard when your dad changes women. But, give her a chance, and hopefully he does the same.

The problem is, your dad needs to know how to settle his feelings. Since all of you surely have emotions and problems you don't understand, I strongly recommend you go see a family counselor. Even just one visit can do wonders- the counselor can quickly open everyone's eyes to things you haven't been seeing clearly and what you can do to better yourselves. Almost any insurance will cover at least the first visit, and it is worth it.
You need to talk to your father about this, even if it's difficult to do. Just be strong and do this one thing- it's very important.

Answer 10

I don't necessarily think you are being selfish, just being a child. But let me pose this question to you. Do you want your dad to be unhappy the rest of his life because your mom, his companion at one time passed away 7 years ago? Do you not think that he is thinking of this, and quite possibly the women in his life realize that you are in pain still? What if one of these women could be a wonderful friend and confidante to you? You are truly missing out on some wonderful times I'm sure by harboring this resentment. You need to deal with the pain of your mothers passing, and allow your dad the friendship, love, companionship and life that he deserves.