ok so my husband has decided to choose his family over his drinking yes i had him choose but here is my question tonight was very very hard for him because we go bowling on sat and he always gets drunk there well the other 2 members of our team drank he didnt and he really had a tough time with it i could tell but anyway what i want to know is this i want to say to him honey i know how hard that was for you and i am very proud of you and thank you for what your doing because that is how i feel but i dont want it to sound like i am patronizing him or something so when i see him doing good do i tell him or just let it lay? any ideas?
2006-12-02 13:59:07 · 22 answers · asked by momoftwobestkids 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
thanks for the advice nut but i think you missed the part where i said i told him it was the booze or us i dont enable him at all and i do go to alanon...
2006-12-02 14:58:41 · update #1
not going bowling is not an option we are on a team and commeted for quit some time it is not fair to quit plus we both love it and as far as keeping him away from alcohol that is imposible all of his friends and some of his family drink and it is everywhere in restraunts ect he is an adult and as hard as it is for him he is just going to have to live without it if someone has sugar they dont stop going places that have sugar in there food they just eat what they are allowed and thats it....
also it has only been since wed that he has not drank and on thurs i gave him a back rub and i got up on my day off fri and made him breakfast in bed just to show how much i apprieciate what he is doing i just dont want to seem like i am beating it to death...
2006-12-02 15:03:36 · update #2
funny how far off this issue has gotten first of all i understand that i pressured him but you know what you didnt live with him drinking and i couldnt do it any longer if he returns to drinking then i am out of here and i cant help it if that sounds mean. i cant wait my whole life to see if he decides to do this on his own or not... as for going out last night he wanted to go bowling he looks forward to it all week if he had said i dont think i can handle it i would have gladly backed out no problem he is also the one who got to pick the restraunt last night and he picked one that served alcohol not us....the question wasnt if i should have presssured him or if i am making him go to places where it is... and also he doesn not want to go for treatment rite now and i am not forcing that part of it i know him and i think he can do this on his own he took his self off of oxycotton and didnt it with no problems and his dr was amazed so maybe he can dont doom us already...
2006-12-03 11:42:31 · update #3
i am not stupid all i wanted to know is if you were trying to do something this big for your family would you feel bad if i keep saying hey honney great job im proud of you thats all
2006-12-03 11:43:33 · update #4
Tell him the way you wrote it. That doesn't sound patronizing at all, and he'll know that you care about his feelings.
2006-12-02 14:05:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife is a recovering alcoholic. We have been able to talk openly about her addiction, her triggers, & how happy I am that she hasn't taken a drink in more than 15 months. I think the main reason for that is because she went through a treatment programme & she was given the tools she needed to live without booze in a world that has it everywhere for the taking.
You didn't say if your husband has gone to any treatment, or AA or anything. If I understand your details correctly, he is simply "toughing it out" after getting an ultimatum from you.
I don't want to say that he is doomed to failure, but he will be nothing more than a drunk on a rather long break from booze unless he gets some serious help.
However since he is apparently early in his recovery at this time, don't you think it would be smart to ease him back into the world as a whole rather than tempt fate? He is still healing wounds that may take some time. If he were burnt by the sun, would you expect him to recover outside in 90 degree heat with his shirt off?
Recovering from an addiction is a life changing experience, & shouldn't be trivialised with a simple game of bowling.
Yes show your appreciation for his efforts. But supporting him in his recovery means allowing him the necessary space he needs to be successful, even if it means dissappointing the bowling team.
2006-12-03 03:02:13 · answer #2 · answered by No More 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I guess you need to prioritize. What is more important to you? Bowling or his sobriety? You say you are committed to bowling for a very long time, well he's committed to not drinking for a lifetime. I think you need to do what ever you can to help him. Avoid alcohol at all cost for right now. After he has some time under his belt alcohol free then gradually start to be around it again. Small steps. As time goes by you will be able to get back to your normal life, but with out the alcohal. I don't think you're being very fair or realistic if you think this is his problem and his alone. Being supportive is more than just words it's about action. Breakfast in bed doesn't' count towards supporting him, that is showing appreciation, as you know.
By your comments (I don't know you, so I have to go by those) It seems you want the best of both worlds. You want him to change, but you don't want it to effect your way of living. That's not the way it works. you can't say to him It's either me or the booze and then when he chosses you, then say I'm glad you love me enough to want to stop drinking, but you'll have to do it with out changing my life. That puts a whole lot of pressurre on him. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to keep him away from alcohol, not say that it's everywhere and to deal with it or else. He needs to completely change his habits for a long time, maybe forever, if he's going to make it, and since your with him, so do you.
2006-12-03 13:41:57 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The best thing that you can do is to not enable him when he drinks. Ex: He goes out all night partying and you make breakfast for him, or you hold the puke bucket. Do not feed into his behavior, find things that make you happy. Do not allow yourself to be up all night worried about him. If you consume your time around his disease...it will bring you down as well. If he attempts to fight this disease alone, he will remain in a dry drunk state.
Contact ALANON, you will meet people that will be there for you. He has to be willing to attend AA on his own, unless, he is mandated by the court. Ex: DUII.
Remember, relapse is part of recovery...take things one day at a time. He needs to hear how proud you are of him.
You are free to give him an ultimatum if you wish. If HE chooses to quit drinking, it is up to him to stay away from all triggers. These are your words, "he is an adult and as hard as it is for him he is just going to have to live without it if someone has sugar they dont stop going places that have sugar in there food they just eat what they are allowed and thats it...."
It is not that simple. By continuing to go to trigger places, he will continue drinking. Support him, and find other places to partake in activities. I realize that you both have sports that you enjoy together...is there another place that you can go for now? I am not saying give up that place, but give him a chance to get strong.
I know that you are going through the most difficult period in your life, and I feel your pain. It does not sound mean to say, "if he returns to drinking then i am out of here and i cant help it." You have two beautiful children to look out for. You also said, "i cant wait my whole life to see if he decides to do this on his own or not..." It sounds like you will have painful decisions to make, and only you can make them.
FTR: Your question was, "When I see him doing good do i tell him or just let it lay?" Those where your words, and I did answer it.
2006-12-02 22:23:46 · answer #4 · answered by Nut 2 · 5⤊ 1⤋
Yes support him, tell him you are proud of him and love him. I am a recovering alcoholic and i live with a suffering alcoholic. I stay sober for me not him or our son. If he only quit drinking for you and your family that is the wrong reason and he may not stay away from alcohol. I agree he should go to AA. You and the kids should go to Alanon. If he goes to AA, let him go alone,get a sponsor and do what he has to do. Do not however force the issue. He has to be ready to do it for him if it is going to work.
2006-12-03 06:19:59 · answer #5 · answered by Mikki 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get him away from alcohol. It's like putting a dehydrated man in the middle of a lake and telling him not to drink. He will eventually.
Get him to join AA, you can go with him. Try activities not lathered in alcohol. Get rid of it. Out of sight, out of mind.
bamargera199187767 - I didn't say it'd happen over night. It's hard, it sucks and it takes time. But having alcohol around is just going to test him. It's why former crack addicts avoid needles and quitting smokers try not having a six pack around. It's just tempting.
I should know, I was addicted to pills. First step, want to quit. Second step, get rid of 'em and ways to get 'em. Third, do activites that don't involve 'em.
But encouragement is also great.
2006-12-02 22:03:04 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Wow, he's really stepping up and being a man. Why not just tell him that you are very grateful for what he's doing for you and your family. Maybe you could start a jar for him. Everytime you're proud of him, you can put a dollar into the jar, and once he's reached six months or a year, or what have you, you can spend it on a holiday, or something nice for him.
Good luck to you both!
2006-12-02 22:07:39 · answer #7 · answered by mikah_smiles 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah if you tell him how well he is doing. It'll get him motivated.
Blinky- "Get him away from alcohol. It's like putting a dehydrated man in the middle of a lake and telling him not to drink. He will eventually.
Get him to join AA, you can go with him. Try activities not lathered in alcohol. Get rid of it. Out of sight, out of mind. "
That is wrong. He will still think of it. Like my dad did. My dad died 3 weeks ago because he was an alcoholic. You can only motivate then by praising them. I'm only 15 but i know what i'm talking about. We tried taking it away from my dad. It didn't work.
2006-12-02 22:03:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tell him how proud of him you are, because if he's trying to quit, the positive responses from you will help. It will make it easier for him to quit, he needs all the encouragement he can get right now, and if you tell him that you appriciate it and encourage him like that, it will help him alot and give him more confidence in himself that he can quit.
2006-12-02 22:03:00 · answer #9 · answered by Bryan M 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should just tell him that you are proud of him and you love him and leave it at that. If you say to much you are going to sound like his mother not his wife. He really should consider some extra help, it's hard to do it alone.
2006-12-02 22:02:18 · answer #10 · answered by ♥dream_angel♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi there my husband is also try in to quit, and Friday's is very bad for him cuz his job is so stressful. Just be there yes... tell him you are proud of him, if it gets too ruff AA is always free, and you can go with him. Keep your chin up its also ard for us spouses too. Good luck
2006-12-02 22:10:29 · answer #11 · answered by mrsmarvl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋