Clarifying the situation about 15 yr. old son, please read carefully?

Question

Some of you guys made it out to sound like I just hate my ex and do not want my son to live with him or that I didn't care enough to fight for him. Here is the problem that I had with his father. He has never been a Dad! He would go for 6 months or even more without talking to his children. Yes, we have another son together that he has not spoken to in 1.5 years. He would get them built up for visitation and then drop the bomb on them a few days before about not being able to keep them. He never not once made an effort to be involved. No b-day cards or phone calls, no x-mas presents, he has never seen them play sports. When they would get to visit him he would dump them off on his parents. So many broken promises, and broken hearts. My son is a good kid, but did not have many friends and no matter what his father did to him he still yearned to have a relationship with him. At one point he even tried to waive his parental rights. Is that a little clearer?

Yes, I know I may have tried to over compensate for my ex. but I couldn't stand to see my son's hurting over something they had absolutely no control over. I also wanted you guys to know I am not wealthy by no means, I am a single mother. I have just always picked up the peices after all the broken promises. If he promised them something and didn't follow through I always made it up to them somehow. I just feel responsible for making the decision to have married an unworthy father. It was never their fault that he did this to them. And as far as my son wanting to live with his father, I believe he wants him to love him and he holds on to that hope and just isn't ready to give up yet!

Answer 1

Hey Stacey !!

Read both posts,, If all is as you’ve described, the “dad” is a moron who never should have been allowed to breed. If you’re angry about “dad’s” behavior and actions it’s perfectly ok, he has/continues to harm your son in more ways than “dad” can/will ever understand. Your son’s action of choosing “dad” to live with is perfectly understandable when he was 13. Son’s logic being,, “maybe if I choose “dad” and am with him I will have a better relationship.” Your son continuing to confide in you shows he still sees and accepts you as his mother and confidant! And, he knows his “dad” is a moronic donkey! His (son’s) choice has since proven wrong and not the outcome he had wanted/hoped for.

Now, far as giving/wanting your son to have the necessities in life is very commendable and absolutely you should continue directly supporting him. (with the exception of the car which isn’t a necessity at 15-16!) Teenage kids are notoriously unable to express themselves very well at all. But, your son is packing way too much guilt toward you about “choosing dad” and finding out later opps, “wayyyyy Wrong Choice”

NOW is the time to sit and talk to your son, explain everything I’ve just said and make it crystal clear to your son, 1. you love him w/o compromise or reservation, 2. You understand he does feel “guilty” about making a choice later to be proven wrong.(which is perfectly OK!, everyone regardless of age is capable of, let alone making that type of choice at 13!) 3. Tell your son you would look forward to and glady accept him back living with you IF he wants to without reservations or any judgments. 4. Let your son know if another trip to Court to change the living arrangement order is needed you will happily pay for the costs involved. (money much better spent than buying some car!)

THIINGS NOT TO DO,,,,, 1. listen to your “family”/friends they’re moronic idiots. Expecting a 13 year old to make a very Adult decision, later proven wrong and “punishing” your son at 15 yoa for a decision at 13? Yup,, idiots, holding a 13-15 year old to a standard they wouldn’t hold themselves to! 2. Be a “buddy” to your son,, You are the boy’s Mother act like and be a Mother. Which means: listen, support, guide, help, encourage, draw “boundaries” for him and STICK to them!, be his confidant, etc… 3. Never allow anyone, friends or family (NO ONE!) to chide, reprimand, etc. your son should he choose to return and live with you. This includes any conversation(s) “you’re so lucky your Mom allowed you to move back in with her” or any other such CRAP!! 4. Never ever say any disparaging word to your son about his “dad”, OR allow anyone else to do so! (at the very least, it would be a constant reminder to your son what a “bad choice” he made!)

Your son is having a very hard time dealing with Adult decisions and consequences and needs every ounce of your help and support! Any male can be a sperm donor,, it takes a real “MAN” to be a Dad !! (same goes for women and mothers!) Remember it’s ALL about your Son,,, not you or “dad”,,, only your son and what is best for him!!

Answer 2

No matter what you think, your son needs a relationship with his dad especially at 15 years old.

If it doesn't work out, at least you supported your son. If you continue to put your ex down in front of his son all you do is hurt your son even more.

Forget the past and try to talk to your ex about being a better dad. Then let your son decide what he wants from his father.

Answer 3

You chose this type of man to father your children and now you have to live with it. You might be able to get him out of your lives but not without his consent. You will never be able to normalize the situation though. It's 15 years too late for that.

Answer 4

Speaking from expeirence....I would say that your son is better off without him in his life.....parents pass down bad examples and your ex sounds like a real weiner!!!!