How should I handle this situation with my 15 yr old son? Adult responses appreciated.?

Question

My son decided he wanted to try living with his father. It has really broken me apart, especially since I have raised him since he was 3 and his father has never been active in his life. He has now been gone for 1.5 years and it still hasn't gotten any easier. Here is the problem, I am still supporting him with clothing, money,daily talks, and soon to be a car. I feel bad because his father is not giving him any of this and even though he chose to live with his father, I feel I should be giving him those things so he doesn't go without. My friends and family say I should not do this or he will never understand the consequences of his actions, but I don't want to know that I have a child out there that is neglected in any way. Everyone knows his father wanted him to live with him to get out of child support and that if I just stand my ground and give him tough love that he will be back. Keep in mind that my son does not ask for these things. What should I do?

We live two states away and I don't get to see him often. When we talk I will ask him what his plans are and he always says nothing because they don't have the money to go anywhere. Or with the clothing, everytime we visit he has the same clothing on that I purchased, but he has outgrown it, so I get him new clothes, and ask him if anyone has taken him shopping and once again "they don't have the money". When he calls to ask for my advice on things, I ask him if he has spoken to his father about the situation and he says "mom, I can't talk to him". MInd you, this man just got out of paying $500 a month in CS. His father does not want him working, because he would have to transport him back and forth. My son has a girlfriend and I just think it is the only reason he still lives with his father. I guess I just want him to have at least one parent that is concerned about him. Should I continue to support him emotionally and financially or are my friends and family right?

I did try to fight it and the courts allowed him to make the decision since he was 13 years of age.

Answer 1

You have done very well and I have no doult will continue to do so
Your son is very quikly aproaching adulthood and will soon see and recognize what has taken place over his life time.
He will no doult understand fully that it was you who has been there for him always. Never underestimate the impression you have left on him.
Continue to do what you have always done, Believe me, He knows. He may not show it now, but in a few years it will all open up for him to see.
Relax, and be what you have been
Good stuff,
You should be proud of yourself.

Peace

Answer 2

Are you thinking about your own needs or the needs of your son? Support him financially only in a way that feels comfortable. Don't use money to try to buy his love. A boy needs his Dad, just like he needs you. Be there for him to talk to, even just on the phone. Let him know you fully support him whatever and the door is always open for him to come back. Don't pressure him. As he grows up he will appreciate all you have done more and more especially if you don't screw up his relationship with his Dad, don't make him choose. I'm sure he loves you both.

Answer 3

this is very hard because none of us here know your son. It is very easy to sit here and give advice when it isn't your problem....You know your son. You know your ex....ok, he lives with his father, maybe cause' your ex doesn't want to pay child support....that is not uncommon I imagine.....however, I think as a parent myself, I would ask you if he was a good kid, by meaning, good grades not having been in any trouble, if he does get a car when 16 is he the kind of kid that would be responsible, and frankly, does he really "need" a car at just turned 16. Which I personally think is too young to handle a motor vehicle, unless they grow up on a farm, and taught early how to handle driving....tossing a just turned 16 yr old, a motor vehicle when all they have really done is "practiced", is not learned to handle dealing with the nut job adults who can't drive....Clothing, occasional pocket money, that is not bad. But it would be better if he got a part time job, lets say on the weekends, and start understanding the real value of a dollar....when he see's how much his gross wages are and then uncle sam takes his cut, he'll get an idea of just what it will be like when he has to put gas in the thing, insurance, which will be Phenomenal!!!....Have an agreement with him that you'll match dollar for dollar what he saves......I would not just give a just turned 16yr old a car, unless your a very rich woman.....just my opinion

Answer 4

I cannot have full empathy for your situation since we stayed together. But as a father of two sons now 19+ I can tell you that your son needs to understand that decisions have consequence.
That does not mean to say that at this time you do not have to pull all support from your kid for moving in with dad. The effort for him to attempt to spend time there was hopefully motivated by a desire to get to know his father. It was more likely a responce to the normal 13 year old move of rebelling against authority by moving to another house, " running away". You and your family are the only one who knows this situation. From here though it looks like it is your turn to pay the $ 500.00 a month in support. If that money was truly support for the child then the support obligation goes toward the custodial parent. That ends up being a $ 1000.00 a month swing for your EX. At that point all the support issues are between the dad and your son. Leave it at that.
If your son cannot negotiate through that condition then he has the option of moving back. Over and above that hold your ground. Do not be seen as trying to leverage him back with lack of support or a showering of money.
DO NOT give him a car!
That is a responsibility which is to far out of your control to allow.
Cars for teenagers MUST go with a number of conditions. One passanger max.,no loud music, no cell phones, curfiew, etc.
To give that to a kid without your direct control is like handing him a loaded gun. Nothing good can come from it. Every year in the US more teenagers die in cars than eight wars in Iraq.
All this has nothing to do your support issue but his safety.
Think hard about the logic of giving a car to a kid who is not under your direct supervision. This is time for parent skills to kick in.
Send money but not an auto.

Answer 5

I truly understand where you are coming from but you are the adult here and if his DAD really did that just to get out of paying child support I would take him to court and get that child in my custody .Your son is 15 not 18 or 21 so you have to take control of this situation and don't leave it fester. After all you did 100% plus of being a parent and a MOM, as for the father his just a "DADDY." Anybody can make a child but its a Father to raise a child.

Answer 6

It sounds like you are spoiling him in a way, but just make it perfectly clear that if he wants to live with his dad, then that is a choice he made, and if that entails not having new clothes, a car or whatever, then he made the decision. I mean that is totally on your son to decide. He is 15 and that is old enough to know which parent you want to live with, and that you are not your sons father and your sons father is not you. Obviously you have 2 different ideas about raising kids and what they should and should not have, but like i said, it comes down to your son, but it is pretty sad that not only does he have to choose parents, but he has to choose his lifestyle as well. No child should have to do without, but you son would definately benefit from a job, then he might appreciate the things you do for him.

Answer 7

Love is rarely an easy thing. It is often times painful. Giving your son these things may make him happy in the present or near future, but how is this going ot make him self sufficient in the future? True love is turning your son into a self sufficent man who is willing to take on the responsibilities of his actions.
I am not saying you should not help your son with cloths or even a car. As a matter of fact as a parent that is your job, but,(and there is a but)... if you just HAND him this stuff for free he will never learn how to earn his own way in the real world. If he wants a car, let him work to help pay for it.
Your son is loved, and he has food in his belly, and a roof over his head, and a pillow at night. That is more then a lot of people. Its expected for a parent to want to sacrifice themself for their child, but one must also realize when their child is old enough to be treated like an adult. It sounds like he is very close to that age.

Good Luck,
Jeremy

Answer 8

Okay I went through this about 2 years ago myself with my daughter. You did the right thing by letting him go because children don't realize the how and why of things all the time. And I believe your friends are wrong, you should'nt deprive him of these things because he will see that as punishment and for what? I mean what consequences should there be for wanting to live with his father. He may have just wanted to really get to know him. As far as the child support and the father goes you will more than likely just have to grin and bear it, because in the long run it's your son who will be affected the most by any decisions either one of you make. And as all this happens and your son gets a little older he'll see how things really are. Kids are smarter than we think. I wish you all the best in this situation.

Answer 9

first of all this is your son's decision. there are no consequences for living with his father unless he is being abused. the dad may still be a dead beat even though is child is now living with him, this (let's call it a journey) may just be what they both need. your son loves you and you know that so don't feel that you've made a mistake in letting him go. your son is old enough to know whats going on, he sounds very mature, you've done a great job, but he needs his dad. just be glad the "dad" is still in the picture even though that picture is blury. trust me when i say that he is learning from him what he needs to learn and when the time is right for him, to make whatever decision needs to make, he will let you know. the best thing about this situation is that without a doubt in his mind that the lines of communication are cemented and secure btwn him and you. let him have this without too much negativity. if his dad is a loser than your son is fully aware, but that is not what his journey with his dad may about. you are doing a good job as a mom. stop listening to other people and trust in your son. if he'll need anything, even if he decides to come back to live with you again, he will let you know. be patient with him. everything will come full circle. please let him have this experience so that when it's time for him to be a man he will know what type of man he wants to be. wish you all the best of luck and will say a special prayer for you all.

Answer 10

He is 15, and he is your son. He is not your ex husband. Choices and guidance are what you need to be teaching your son.

Court ordered child support is what he needs; not money sent to him on the side, unless it is for a birthday or special occassion.
Clothing is perfectly fine, he is your son!
A car? Why would you entertain that thought? He needs to work for a car. Inthat you are guiding and teaching him responsibility. You cannot "buy" your son. You don't have to; you will forever be his mother.

He is a young man, he needs his male father figure at this point in his life as well as his mother.

Set aside assumptions about your ex; concentrate on your son. Be positive and from that he will learn.

If you are far away from him in proximity; move closer. Spend time with your son.

In any event, you have got to stop finding excuses for making things negative, assuming this or that; and stop allowing family to know all of your business! Use your own head.

If you do not turn things around; you are allowing your son to learn the wrong values in life by putting yourself first with regard to competing with your ex, and you are! It will define who he becomes by these actions that you choose to put into place, forever.

Be his mother, let it all fall into place. Let go of the fact that he is not living with you. He is always with you, and you him. Be a part of his life; not a part of a game.

Responding to your additional comment; Again, you cannot change another person, I've said it a zillion times. All you can do is change yourself. From that, and your actions all things will fall into place. If his father is infact this way; your son is and has chosen to live with him. Let him know that he has a home with you if he ever wants to come back to it. But do that in person. 2 states away? Lady, go live by your son. Be a part of his life - you love him so very much. He is your priority. Jobs can be re-established, you can find suitable living in another state. You don't have to live there forever; but now is the time that your son needs to be closer to you in proximity. There is absolutely no excuse for a geographical divide when it comes to your child.

Answer 11

First of all, you are his mother irregardless and I don't blame you for wanting to supply him with things he needs. Continue doing so and one day he'll look back and see the error of his ways. My 15 year old ran away from home, of course she got as far as her grandparents and have been there ever since even though I've done everything to get her to come home, but to no avail. I supply her clothes, school supplies, give my parents money for her lunches at school, plus when she goes to the doctor,etc. it's me that takes her. She just said the other day that she was sorry for the hurt she caused, that she is just finally waking up to the fact that I am always there for her and that she appreciates it. Once she said this, her requests for money, etc. went way down. I'm hoping someday she'll come home, but if not then that's ok. We are getting closer and closer by the day and she is maturing at a fast rate, therefore we are becoming friends again just the way I've always pictured us to be.

Don't worry. One day something at your sons father's place will happen, and your son will "wake up". I know it's hard on you now and probably always will, but maturity does come and with that you'll again have your son back.