I met a man abroad, I went to his company for an interview for the job of a voice and accent trainer. I did not think anything of him, nor knew about his situation. I was recommended to his company by a friend/colleague.
Our friendship developed and we became lovers after several months. He left his wife and two boys and he got his own flat. He moved in with me and our relationship began. He promised me that he would get a divorce after one year of being apart from his wife. I am back in London and have been for the past 6 months and we have kept in touch regularly. I have always said that he needs to get a divorce so that we can proceed with our future. He has told me that the families have met and no financial resolution has been reached therefore he will not be divorced. Living with him like this will make me his mistress. His wife has more rights over him and in the society where he is from I am looked at as a home breaker.
He is coming here in December.
2006-11-30 22:06:54 · 15 answers · asked by karma f 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm going to assume that you're staying in the relationship because you love him. Love isn't enough. Please believe you can have someone in your life who will not only respect you, but honor and cherish you. Obviously, this guy does neither. See it for what it is. A big mistake. The good news is that you're not stuck and you can move on. Good luck!
2006-11-30 22:11:03 · answer #1 · answered by 2sweet 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I take it your question is either what should you do or if anyone has any advice. As a LOT of people are making judgment calls and assumptions I'll try to be as accurate as possible. But I don't know how true that statement is due to lack of info. There are some details left unsaid. i.e. At what point did you know he was married? In the beginning or after you already fell for him? Because if you went for him and he was already married well you went in full well how complicated that could be and you put blinders on. This is an important fact because it would reveal a great deal about both of you. Ironically I think is more forgivable on his part if he was upfront and told you vs him telling you AFTER he already "closed the deal."
If he told you after then I'd say he was selfish, self-serving and just being sneaky and probably has no intent of getting serious with you because he finally managed to leave his marriage and move out. But now that he's "out" he realizes he has all these options now. If tha'ts the case I think the reason he's not getting a divorce is a safety net from committing to you. He just "broke free" why rebound into something else before making sure your head is clear?
If he was upfront about it and told you his plan well he's made good on most of it so far. He moved out and got a flat. But that doesn't mean he can't dump the flat and move out. He could be thinking the same thing "if she saw me leave my family i could be damaged goods to her and she could leave."
I think you should take the time in december to really see what this is all about. Contrary to what most of the judgmental bible bangers and moral wanna-bes say it really comes down to the question of love.
I hear people say "well if he left his family once what's to say he won't leave you?" That could be true. But it could be viewed as he (and this is assuming the situation is just this) was willing to sacrifice everything he held dear to be with you because he believes he found true love and hell nor high water could not keep him away from that. He's risking a LOT. People who say he's selfish are entitled to their opinion but until you know someone who's been there I wouldn't cast any stones. I knew someone who made that sacrifice for a woman and in the end she left him because to her it was a challenge, he was a plaything. He sacrificed everything and in her selfishness tried to justify her actions with "if he left her..." which I think is completely hypocritical as she pursued him and he loved her.
HIS motives I believe were pure. So pure he killed himself when she left him. He'd rather not have lived then continue living with the life he had. He could have gone back or at least been a father. Maybe he felt he burned a bridge or there was no going back or he had no other reason to go on. All I'm saying is there are people who will do anything for love. You just need to find out if this guy is one of them.
You have chosen a very difficult relationship to start. You should really use your december get together as your time to evaluate the situation together and be upfront and honest about it. And decide then and there what's going to happen.
Because at the heart of the issue are two things:
Will he divorce his wife?
If he does divorce his wife does he really want to begin a relationship?
Or maybe he's going to need space to recover and maybe want to test his new wings? Just to be sure before giving up his new found freedom. You could have been the strength he needed to get out. And now that he is out he might not want to settle so quickly.
You have no kids and no investment with this man so you have very little to lose. You can go on and still hold the unsullied "single" title. He's already been there and done that and might not be able to want to visit it soon unless you either give him some, assurances, space or "play together" in some sense to be able to have your cake and eat it too.
This could fall a variety of ways. Maybe he was using you to get away. Maybe he's a selfish jerk. Or maybe he truly loves you. If he's gone this far there's no reason why he can't go the rest of the way. And if he doesn't then you should keep him at arms length until he's sure.
2006-12-01 00:22:12 · answer #2 · answered by Cybrocupid 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hunted for a question in your writing but did not find one.. So I figured you were inviting comment.
You are NOT a home wrecker. Don't listen to those who say you are because it is not true. He is the one with the responsibility to his family. You owe them nothing. His choice determines the fate of his family. Not yours.
If he is willing to leave his wife and two kids for you. He will do the same for another woman when you are with him. He has shown his spots. Are you sure you want a guy like that?
2006-11-30 22:43:03 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are a home breaker and a mistress. It was your choice to take up with a married man. Now you will have to live with the consequences. There is no question posed here. You are just feeling sorry for yourself.
2006-11-30 22:14:12 · answer #4 · answered by Belinda 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For whatever reasons, if he cannot take a divorce from his wife then its not worth to get into a long term relationship with this man.
In the first place I think you should not have entered into relationship with him knowing that he is married and have kids. A man who can leave his kids can leave you anytime! Mind it. no matter how sour his relationship has gone with his wife….what has he thot abt the future of his kids? At the same time he cant complete divorce proceedings with his wife….what kind of a divorce is it…?? Think abt it. If he can leave his wife and kids for you…….then he may leave you & your kids for someone else…
2006-11-30 22:45:50 · answer #5 · answered by sparkle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Essentially you are a home wrecke, but can you live with being his mistress? It doesn't look like he will rectify that matter any time soon. Some women like the freedom of being a mistress. there are definately some special fringe benefits to it. If you are not one of those women then you need to move on.
2006-11-30 22:20:02 · answer #6 · answered by mrsgapeach71 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You full on went after a married man geeze u r a home wrecker weather u like it or not that's you...sorry the truth hurts...In the future stay away from married men their wives have little time to be tramps when they r busy with all those kids.
2006-11-30 22:10:28 · answer #7 · answered by lol_des 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Whether you like it or not, you are a home breaker. You should have thought about that before you started dating him.
I highly recommend you break it off with him until he gets his divorce at least in the process (at the courts). You are putting yourself and him both in a very bad position.
2006-11-30 22:33:28 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOU ARE A HOME BREAKER. A home wrecker!
How disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Don't you know that men, no matter if they're happy or not in their marriage, ARE OFF-LIMITS?!?!
And he left his kids for you?? Man, you must be pretty darn easy for him to leave his wife and children, HIS FAMILY, for some free and fresh "meat"!
You'd better just forget all about him.
2006-11-30 22:12:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
do one thing.. i know it will hurt you .you are not seeing your life in reality. but you are seeing it as reel as in reel life... don't think about him..in future..he will not live with you. any more...the good thing is you are not dependent.....you can live your life as you want...so go ahead..for another whole hearted loving person...But should take care he will not be a married man..
All best have a bright full future..
2006-11-30 22:28:30 · answer #10 · answered by RK 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋