Should I tell my family what my cousin did to me?

Question

Hey everybody! I'm 15 now and I remember when I was like 6 or probably younger my older cousin (in his teens than,23 now) would sit me on his lap and put his hands in my panties and he would like bounce ME and move around.I would tell him to stop but he would hold on to me.I was close to my brothers so I would hang around them and my cousins a lot. I cant remember if it was just me or him or one of my brothers or other cousins was there. But theres no way my brothers will let him do that to me.I used to share beds with my brothers and they never tried anything with me. I never told anybody but I remember and think about it a lot. I thought it was nothing than but now I know it was wrong for him to be touching me. And I think he remembers to,cuz every time I see him now he alwayz make the conversation short and I'm like so scared of him and mad at him at the same time. I was so happy when him and his family moved out of state just coming bac for the holidays. Now hes out of college and is APART of a big Christian Band In VA. How do I tell my family what happened...will they believe me? Should I get over my fear of him & go to him and just ask why he did that to me?

Answer 1

I lived through many years of sexual abuse and that is what this is. I to didn't tell anyone when l was little, but it ate at me and became a problem for me. So l went and saw a councillor and got help, l was able to talk about what had happened and how l was feeling about it with some one who didn't judge me. In time l was able to tell my family and l even confronted him, (l did this by letter) as l to was very scared of him. If you choose to confront him do it by letter or take someone with you, don't go alone you will need support.
If you are afraid to tell your family straight off find someone a councillor, Doctor, teacher, minister and tell them and they will be able to help you.
Not only will this help you but just maybe he will get the help he to needs for his sickness.
Remember that in no way have you done anything wrong and in all things look after yourself.
I wish you the very best.

Answer 2

You've got to stop and think about the consequences for (in no particular order)
* yourself
* him
* others
What's this going to achieve? What are the possible or probable negative consequences.

Remember that we don't live in a pefect world and what should happen isn't always what does happen.

For yourself the consequences may be
1. You don't have this hanging over you as a "guilty" secret
2. You get revenge on your cousin
but
3. It'll get out into the wider community, especially if legal action is taken against him and you'll be looked at as "the girl who was interfered with"
4. The wider community may suspect that you had something to do with provoking the incidents or encouraging them in some way and are now after money or using the allegations to get at your cousin for something else
5. It could make potential employers reluctant to employ you
6. Court appearances can be very embarassing as the intimate details will have to be spelled out in court and may be challenged.
7. Some of your family will probably never speak to you again because of the effects of your action on your cousin.

For your cousin the conseqences will probably be
1. He's publicly exposed as a child-molester
2. He becomes totally unemployable
3. He won't be allowed to have custody or care of children
4. He'll be pretty well excluded from society

For others
1. If your cousin is still liable to behave in the same way, they'll be protected from a child molester
but
2, If it was just one of these things that happen in the course of growing up, but is now something he realises was wrong, then there may be no protection at all for the general public.

Clearly what happened to you is in the past. It stopped. It sounds as if he may have a very different way of thinking now. If you've no evidence that he's doing anything improper any longer, I think the decent thing to do is next time you meet to make it a little more formal and possibly shake hands with him (something you wouldn't normally do) and say to him is something like "Let's just put the past behind us. How are you doing these days?" That would give you and him a measure of closure on the thing and a way for both of you to move forward.

Answer 3

Honey you need to tell. Talk to the member of your family you are closest to. Ideally that would be your mom, but if thats not possible talk to your dad or your brothers. You must do this. There is a very good chance he has done this to others. If he was a teenager at the time, he certainly knew better. Its not like little kids playing touchy feely. You are only 15 and you need the protection and guidance of an adult. If you cant talk to your family, please get help from a favorite teacher or someone else in authority. If you dont do this and get it out of your soul, it will eventually cause you much more emotional damage than it already has. Dont let anyone make light of this. Its a very serious situation that needs to be addressed. Best of luck you my dear and I will be praying for you.

Answer 4

I think if you get your family involved it will create a huge mess. I know what he did was wrong and that you are embarrassed and hurt by what he did to you. You mentioned that you are afraid of him, because of what he did. I am sure he is just as afraid of you because of what he did. The feeling goes both ways. He was young when he did it, now that he is older he realizes what he did to you and is feeling guilt and fear of you going to a family member or police. You have the upper hand here girl and he knows it. I would confront him head on a lone one day. Let understand your anger and fear towards him. He is the only one that can set you straight and take away the pain. If you tell a family member rumours are going to spread and it won't be pretty. Both of you are going to be embarrassed. Keep it confidential between the both of you and settle it like adults. Get the answers that you need to kill your demons and make him feel real guilty about his actions. Once the air is clear you will both feel better. You a lot more than him.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Yes you should say something.

If you had a daughter of 6 years old would you not beat the hell out of the guy that was any where close to your child?

You should say something, because he might think he got away with it. Especially if he is in a Christian band, he might have an idea in his head that god forgave him so its ''o.k.''. Its not ok. God didnt forgive him, because he hasent had any consequences. People dont walk the earth and do as they please and touch little girls. That is sick. God didnt forgive him for this no matter how much he pretends he is innocent. And no he does not deserve you talking to him about anything. He needs to accept he is a sick monster, and ask for your forgivness before you ever talk to him.

Tell your brothers.

Answer 6

You owe it to yourself and to all the other unsuspecting members of your family to tell. He might do it again if he thinks he got away with it. Its a frightening prospect when you think of the stigma attached society can be cruel but you certainly shouldnt allow him to get away with it. Talk to someone you are close to first if not in the family then from school or church before approaching your parent. I was molested as a child and it was swept under the carpet it was only when I was an adult and my partner helped me work through it that I managed to have closure. I never realised how many demons I had kept till I had my daughter and grew suspicious of everyone till it interfered with my natual sociable self. Be responsible and face up to it.

Answer 7

No adventure with this yet do not assume a delightful reaction from kin. the conventional reaction could have the "ewwwww" aspect so make sensible you're waiting and keen to handle that. if you're both actually one of legal age and able to bypass self sustaining of your households then make the alternative which will make you both chuffed. with somewhat of luck a number of your family contributors contributors will come round to assist you eventually. yet be prepared in the adventure that they don't!

Answer 8

Just out of curiosity, what are your motives for wanting to tell your family about it? Are you looking to clear the air, get closure, protect others, get him in trouble?

If you could talk to him about it, that might be a good thing to do. You both might be able to find some healing in that. I guarantee you he doesn't feel good about what he did.

I tend to agree with what Orchid said. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and see him as a confused individual instead of assuming he's a monster.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

Answer 9

That is a difficult situation. I hope it has not scarred you.
Hopefully he has changed but I think you may feel better about it if you told your parents. That way, maybe they can help you avoid seeing him at the Holiday affairs and they can help you get some professional help to get over the memories.....Good luck

Answer 10

This is not the type of thing you should be asking ppl on here you need to speak with someone like a lawyer a social worker or a consuler about this no one on here can really help you with this. Good Luck and always remember its not your fault!