She is in her early 50's now. She recently has fallen in love with someone else and realizes she never really loved her husband. She has never been unfaithful and says she never will act on her feelings. Her question to me tonight was "When I'm older will I regret staying in this marriage"? Is it wrong to stay in a marriage when you don't really think you are in love?
2006-11-30 16:06:58 · 14 answers · asked by butterflylover 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you can do with your life anything you think is good for you
:> peace
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2006-12-04 14:25:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It all depends how long she has known her new sweetie. She should wait at least a year, the feelings she is experiencing may very well fade, or his will. She should never tell her husband of 30+ years that she has never really loved her husband mainly because it is not true and second because it would be very hurtful to him and is not the correct thing to do. Has her home recently became an empty nest? Transition from a full house to an empty nest can be a difficult one.
2006-12-01 00:26:36 · answer #2 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People stay in married relationships for all kinds of reasons and many are not because they are still in love with someone. They stay because it is convenient, or the cost to separate and live separately is out of the budget for either one, or they are comfortable and don't want the mess that follow with dividing everything up, moving out, and the emotional baggage that goes with it. Or they stay because one of them is sick, and they don't think it is fair to leave until the person is better, or the famous the kids will be upset routine.
I feel sorry that she has been married all this time, and is not in love with her husband, but I also feel sorry for him. I am sure he somehow knows things are not right, perhaps no intimacy, or tender touches, or short conversations with other things always a bit more important.
I have been married longer than she has, and if I my wife felt that way I would be gone in twenty four hours, because being someone that she just settles for is not what it is about.
Well life only goes around once as far as we know today, so she has to ask herself is she just settling and that will be enough or is she depriving herself of a better life with freedoms and a chance for new happiness.
You and I cannot answer this for her. She would like us to, but it is her decision and she has to weigh it, and contemplate it and make her own decision.
2006-12-01 00:19:45 · answer #3 · answered by John E 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
May be it's an exceptional case. I think that woman actually has found her love with her husband. 30 years is a long time to live together with and found true love. Love is abstract, nobody know if he/she really love other but he/she can live and share together for long time. In your case it's not because she didn't find love, but it's just only some kind of sexual temptation that made her want to find another, but exactly she won't find love as true as her husband's. Now it depends on each personality to control it.
It can be said the grass in neighbor house is more attractive than ours. But don't let the big fish gone to find the little one.
2006-12-01 00:18:57 · answer #4 · answered by eddy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been married almost 31 years(Janurary). I married my husband at 18,he was 30. We have had our ups and downs. I never really got to live much of a single life. We fell in love,had two children,he also had a ten year old daughter he had been raising. I feel what she is looking for is excitement,being wanted,feel the rush of someone else seeing her as attractive. She could be going thru a middle age thing also. I have felt all of these over a period of two years. Two summers ago my husband had a fling,our marriage has been tested but we have stood strong together and worked to keep our marriage intact. He now see's that it a mistake. He said that he needed to feel that excitement,feel wanted and be admired but never intended to hurt me as bad as he did. He said he just didn't think at the time just how devastating it would be for me and him,it was lust not love,and now realizes that. What our problem had been was we had got comfortable with each other and didn't talk to each other like we use too. It got to the point we didn't even go many places with each other anymore. We both worked different shifts and began just passing each other in the hall once in a while. She needs to really think about this. And also please sit your husband down and tell him your hopes and dreams,what you want out of live,he's not a mind reader. Maybe he wants to do some of the same things you do,but thinks it won't do any good to try and talk to you about it. Tell her to remember back when she and he were first married. What did they enjoy,what attracted her too him. Go places together,even if its just to the store to get a coke. Spend some time together,go out to dinner,go on a little weekend trip. The grass is not always greener on the other side. She has 30 years with this man,there are many memories,good and bad. If she had been as unhappy as she thinks she would have really been gone along time ago. Marriage takes two people.,you have to work hard to keep it going that long. And in this day and age people give up too easily on marriage. People must realize that all humans are attracted to others. This countinues all our lives,its nature. I'm sure all of us that are married have seen attractive men and woman,but that doesn't mean we don't love our spouses. Another thing is change. We are not the same person we were at say 19,29,39,49 and so on. We have differnet views of life at different stages.The real question is that your friend says "is it wrong to stay in a marriage when you don't think you are in love. Does she not know if she's still in love with her husband,she has been with him 30 years. If there were not another man in the picture,would she be having this problem figuring out if she does or not,and would she be debating which man to pick,keeping the new man on the side and the husband as a kick back incase the new man doesn't work out. This would mean the husband is her safety net her security blanket until she can see if the new man is really interested enough. I have never been unfaithful to my husband,I have thought about it,but I don't think I could live with myself if I hurt him that way. And I also know how you feel thinking about the regret later on in years. All I can tell you is please have a heart to heart honest talk with your husband,as you know he has been with you for 30 years. You think you would know a person by living with each other that long,but we really don't. Do you know what your husband favorite color is,what kind of music does he like,what really is his favorite food,whose his favorite actor or actress. I found out alot of things when my husband and I finally did sit down and had our heart to heart talk. He told me his fears,his dreams and I shared mine with him. Our marriage has been so much better for it. One thing that really hurt me when we had our talk was that he told me he thought I really didn't love him anymore or find him attractive,I told him I had felt the same way that's another reason we started drifting apart. We must have attention,love,recreational companionship and of course sex. Without these things why would we have a reason to live.
2006-12-03 02:23:15 · answer #5 · answered by K. l 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some times when you start having feelings for some one else your current relationship seems bad. But i've learned that its only because of your confussion of the situation. When I feel in "love" with another man I felt like my husband was the meanest & most hurtful person. But I came to realize that my brain was just so clouded by the other mans affection & flirting that I just was making exuses for my behavior. So I put distance between me & both men for a while & my heart helped me deside & I did finally realize it was just a meaningless crush. I hope that helps a little.
2006-12-01 00:21:12 · answer #6 · answered by kristamin00 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To all you judgemental mfs out there, until you have been there, dont even open you mouth. 3 kids and 10 years later, I realize I am a pawn in this marriage. I met a woman through our kids in school and clicked with her in 2 seconds, liturally. She is hot, athletic, but more importantly down to earth. Giving, caring, funny, all the things my wife seemed to have forgotten how to be in 10 years. I am my wife's lap dog, just show up to this office thing and be funny, can you go get the kids i gotta work later, do you have to be so immature (when playing with our kids for gods sake). I'd tell the woman to go for it. Nothing sexual til marriage one is over, but go do something for yourself and have no regrets.
2006-12-01 00:49:13 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
marriage is tough. it is the true testament of love. you stay together forever only for the kids and the real love between the two vanishes. only when the kids grow up then you find yourself with a stranger. that is the case with your friend. its not that she didnot love that person ,its that she has fallen out of love for him. this could happen to anyone.it is not wrong to stay in a marriage when there is no love. some couples stay together for the sake of the children.the children need their father figure and financial security. so couples stay together.there is no harm in that.but i advice that friend of yours to go to a counsellor. adultry is not an answer.
2006-12-01 00:18:27 · answer #8 · answered by atahsina 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first you don't stay married for 30 years and have no feelings for your spouse. Something was there that made you take that commitment for a lifelong partnership. Is what your friend is feeling is feelings of lust, it's not love. She needs to get the book the Five love languages. She needs to read it, her husband needs to read it, and guarentee they will fall in love all over again. It will remind her of why she married him in the first place!
2006-12-01 01:00:49 · answer #9 · answered by justadream 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hope you do not live to regret a 30 yr. marriage..
2006-12-01 00:13:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
no cuz to a woman it is easy, she had a man to provide for her and her children, she probably did not work and i will bet she has not had sex with her hubby in years. no she got what she wanted, she has used a man for 30+ years and made him believe that he was important to her and the years of no sex with her was his way of showing her that he loved her for more than sex, how sad, but this should show people that women are better at manipulation than men
2006-12-01 00:14:36 · answer #11 · answered by keithy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋