How can I get him to be more reliable?

Question

My boyfriend has been very unreliable, but lately it's been much worse than usual. It's now starting to cause problems in our relationship and is hurting my trust for him. I don't understand why it's so hard for him to follow through with what he says he's going to do. I've already talked to him a million times about this; we've even gotten into 3 or 4 arguments. What can I do to show him how it's affecting our relationship, and what can I do to help him change this?

Also, he generally does fix his bad habits when they upset me. Anytime we've ever gotten into an argument over something he's done that was hurtful, it NEVER happened again. Or when he does something that I like, and I made a comment about it.. he makes a conscious effort to do it more often.
I just don't understand why this one thing is so difficult. He even admitted that he doesn't keep his promises.

and that he would try to work on it.. but the day after he said that.. he went and broke another promise.

Answer 1

Your problem is an example of one of those problems that one puts up with for too long, because it seems like a smaller problem than it really is, and because to a normal person, your requests for change seem so reasonable (and they are). I've been a clinical social worker for about 8 years, and I've seen this problem. But I'll tell you up front that there is no real "cure" for the situation you're in.

It's a big deal if you can't trust your mate. It's stressful. You have to think and plan and act for two (him and you), rather than for just yourself, and you can't count on him to pitch in if something comes up. For these reasons and more, you don't trust him anymore.

You may even wonder if he's doing it deliberately for some reason. Sadly, in many situations like this, the unreliable person is doing it on purpose, because you've brought it to his attention, right? If your bf was more trustworthy earlier in your relationship than he is now, why would that be? Is he ill, or experiencing pressures so great that he simply cannot cope with ordinary competence? If not, it's likely that he's being passive-aggressive.

One of the things that I'm sure that keeps your head spinning is that he claims "it was just an accident," "it's no big deal," "I won't do it again," and you want to believe him, but it just gets worse.

Such behavior is common enough that mental health professionals are studying it further for possible inclusion in diagnostic books (such as the ICD and the DSM). The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) calls it Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, or Negativistic Personality Disorder.

The cardinal features of this disorder are intentional ineffectiveness and unacknowledged hostility, evidenced by:

--appearing superficially submissive and cooperative.
--will not say "no" to a request, but indirectly expresses resistance to demands by thwarting and frustrating authorities, spouses, and partners.
--frequent negative communication including "backhanded compliments," subtle attacks, blaming others for problems, insulting, complaining/whining, and fault-finding, especially when confronted.
--denial of most emotions (particularly negative ones), denial of own role in conflicts.
--displays ambivalence about responsibilities and commitments.
--frequently sullen, envious and resentful of others.
--sabotages obedient behavior with tardiness, dawdling, sloppiness, "accidental" errors, procrastination, forgetfulness, incompleteness, withholding of critical information, and an excessively leisurely work pace.

Of course everybody displays a few of these occasionally, but if your bf practices several of these behaviors or attitudes consistently over time, and it causes problems with employers or mates, then it's a problem. Hints: If there is a spotty work history, mysterious "layoffs" or firings from work, and few close friends, you can bet he plays this game with others too.

What could your bf be getting out of this behavior? At least two things. By being a screw-up, he guarantees that people won't burden him with responsibilities. Also, this may be a lifelong habit of his, a thing that he does to get sub rosa revenge on people whose demands annoy him. It may have started with his parents, and he never quit.

My heart goes out to you, because the one thing you request -- "What can I do to help him change this?" is the one thing you can't do. You can't change him. He must change himself. You might be able to facilitate this change, but it will require you to stick your neck out, take risks, and uncompromisingly stand up for yourself.

Are you willing to end this relationship if your bf doesn't change his behavior? Or are you willing to have a boyfriend and possible future husband who manipulates you by passively sabotaging you?

This is not behavior that requires excessive sympathy on your part. He has gotten away with it for so long precisely because you have been too sympathetic. There is nothing cognitively or physically wrong with him that makes him act brattish, or that keeps him from seeing that the way he behaves is hurting you. This is his way of sticking it to you, frankly, and he likely does it also to other people in his life to whom he's responsible, such as his parents and boss. And I think it's safe to assume that you have already told him that his behavior hurts and frustrates you; the problem is not that he didn't understand, but that he gets a bigger charge out of being difficult than out of being cooperative.

I can only think of one way to do this. You have to call him on it. Tell him, in your own words, that you are tired of it, and will not tolerate any of this kind of behavior anymore, nor will you accept any arguing or excuses or apologies. The only acceptable response shall be that all the negativity, sabotage, and unreliability ends--now, totally and forever--or you will end the relationship.

Do not make this threat unless you are willing and able to carry it out, because if he calls your bluff and you don't walk, you are his toy for life. If he argues with you or denies what he's doing, then you have proof that he is still playing his games. Don't let him drag this out with empty promises to change or claims that he needs more time. If he wants the relationship badly enough, he will turn on a dime. If he doesn't, then he doesn't value you highly enough, and if you don't leave, then it is clear that you don't value yourself highly enough either.

You are welcome to ask him to accompany you to couple's counseling, but I'm not a huge fan of this idea for your particular problem. Why? Because it will only buy your bf time. He will probably continue his excuses and manipulations with the therapist also, who may or may not figure out what's going on before you blow a gasket. Why should you have to spend time and money for that kind of misery? Any adult of average intelligence can keep their word, show up on time, and consistently do a good job at whatever they are asked to do without therapy or being badgered.

You really do deserve better than what is going on. But you're only going to get it if you stick up for yourself. Don't stay in intimate relationships with unpleasant or difficult people. Separate yourself from them, quietly and politely and quickly. Especially if your bf blames you for what is happening or claims that it's "your problem," I think you need to leave. He's just too unkind and immature to be successfully intimate.

Best wishes having healthy and mature relationships always.

POSTSCRIPT: Based upon your added comments, I will add a point that I considered making earlier, but didn't as I felt I'd said plenty already. That is, don't let his apologies and re-offenses become a constantly moving target. As you added, he apologizes for one thing, then breaks a different promise. At this rate, he will be doing this forever. He refuses to acknowledge the real problem, which is that he breaks promises at all. The only cure for this will be his commitment, backed up with your threat/promise to leave him, if he continues to break promises, or in any way is malingering, uncooperative, or a screw-up. And another thing: married or not, DON'T HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS GUY. Do you want him treating your children like this too? Do you want him to conveniently "forget" to help out with your children? What if you send him to the store with a list that says "formula and diapers," and he only comes home with diapers? If you find dealing with this guy difficult, imagine how a child, who has no choice but to depend on her/his parents, is going to feel.

Answer 2

He'll change when he has motivation to change. Next time he gets around to calling, tell him you already made plans. Don't give in. Don't call him. Then the next time he calls, go ahead and make the date with him. In other words give him the same treatment he gives you.

Answer 3

unfortunately you can't control anyone's actions but your own. you can remind him you have plans, you can buy him a calendar, you can try not to nag him, you can tell him he is hurting your feelings but he actually has to decide he wants to change that about himself before there will be any difference. good luck!

Answer 4

whoa! i guess we have the same situation.. but what i did was to let him go.. i know how to move on and im sure i can still find a lot better that him

cheer up!

Answer 5

You can't change him, Apparently he doesn't care about your feelings and you need to let him know that if he doesn't shape up, you will be shipping out.

Answer 6

Their is nothing you can do but to not count on him. Let him see you grow without him. Don't sit around waiting for him and don't allow him responsiblitys where you have to count on him.