When is it time to walk away?

Question

I would so appreciate some advice.

We lost the court case against my sister, aformer landlord of ours.

Today we got a letter from my sisters saying we had until 5th December to pay the remaining £1400 or they would get the bailiffs for us.

My wife said I was a coward for paying the £400. She said 'what do I need you for, you caused me nothing but trouble'.

We had a really bad fight, just I feel her views are not balanced. She blamed me again for losing the case.

I wonder how we'll survive this. Or if it is time to call time on this relationship. I mean, my sisters and brother will have won (we'll have broke up) - but if she has such a low opinion of me, what's the point of staying together?

I don't want to lose the house after paying so much money in, less so when I think if I was'nt there, she may move her family in....

I am just trying to think straight. any helpful advice is welcome.

I am the husband, just this is my wife's yahoo account. Justwanted to clear that up. I do love my wife, but think what she is doing is taking her inadequacies out on me. It's like my opinion never counts, and I wonder how to get through to her. As far as I know we cannot avoid paying the money, but she refuses to go halves with me to ease the burden. Also she refuses counselling for her bad temper, we went before and she said it don't work, so what do you do when your best friend changes into someone you don't know anymore?

We have our own home since 2005, it was when we left the flat my sister racially abused my wife, and threatened me. My wife thinks I cannot defend us. As i say, I think she has a very low opinion of me, yet anyone in her family can't do wrong...even though I put up with them staying with us for five months this year. I wish we did'nt fight - what's the point when you just hurt each other?

I wish I could work a deal with my sister, but my sisters and brother never liked my wife to start with, ad promised 'to make our lives hell'. They get their wish when my wife does'nt stay cool. I wish she could agree we could pay up so we could move n with our lives, but it seems she don't want to meet me half way.

Although the comment was made that I did'nt protect my wife sufficiently from the others, the first and hardest thing I did was to go to the police on my wife's behalf after the racist abuse she had been subject to. My problem is not with them now - I just think they are low lifes, but my wife should understand that I have done what I could to legally protect us. I am doing my best, although I don't think she sees that. She sees only the blackest side, and then started name calling and accusations which are a pretty low thing to stoop to, I don't mind her being angry, but should the anger be directed at me? It seems she cannot accept the judge's decision. He made a lot of errors during the hearing, but it's done.

She can't let it go though. After spoiling our sleep last night she was still in the devil's humour this morning, so I drove to work on my own, I told her to drop the bad attitude so we could talk, but she would'nt so I had little option but to go on my own.

A little bit more about the case. My sister had a flat to let, we rented it for 23 months, but gave her notice on month 17 we wanted her to accept an offer onteh flat, or we would be looking for a home. She wanted us to keep renting, and refused 3 improved offers from us. The flat sustained some flood damage which we informed her about but she did nothing. She was okay before we moved in, but nasty and unhelpful when we had an issue. When we told her we were leaving, she got rather abusive. Before I left the flat I thoroughly cleaned it, and it looked pretty good although the carpet needed replacing. My wife objects to paying the fine, and also objects to me paying it, but I don't want the bailiffs to come, but she don't care about that. I just wish she would listen, because every time we have a row she makes it very personal, and does'nt make her point. I want us to move on, but she has to be willing to do so.

My sister originally claimed for £5000 - I put holes in many of her claims, so in the end the figure was £1800. My wife seems to have forgotten things could be much much worse. She is a law student, I am not, so what do I know? All I did was to try and disprove the claim, which I managed quite well I thought. I know my wife is hurtiung over the racist abuse, now she is thinking of taking them to the magistrates court. Where will it all end?

Answer 1

If you want to keep your wife, you and she really need to talk. Some changes also need to be made.

Firstly, you face a court order to pay the fine. So pay it. This is the law and then you can move on.

Secondly, your family have put your wife through a lot. You should apologise for this, tell her you love her, and promise things will change. Make a break from your siblings - why would you want them around? Even if you break up with her, they'll do it to the next one. They're shits - I'm sorry, but they are. What siblings would do this - promise to make your lives hell? They have issues and you'd be best off away from them, with or without your wife. There are things you've done wrong - you haven't sufficiently protected your wife or yourself from your siblings - if you want to keep her then it's time to make a break. I suspect you find it difficult to stand up to your siblings and that this may be the source of your partner's issues with you. Things can change, so make them.


EDIT:

"my wife should understand that I have done what I could to legally protect us. I am doing my best, although I don't think she sees that. She sees only the blackest side, and then started name calling and accusations which are a pretty low thing to stoop to, I don't mind her being angry, but should the anger be directed at me? It seems she cannot accept the judge's decision. He made a lot of errors during the hearing, but it's done."
This is what you need to tell her. She doesn't have to snap out of her mood for you to talk - she just has to be willing to listen.

Answer 2

I am very saddened to hear all of this, especially when it all seems to be racially motivated.
Forget about your sisters and your brother for the minute you need to work on your marriage. You say you love your wife and so after everything else that has gone on before, you must now prove to her that she is the only thing in your life that matters.
Tell her that money is insignificant compared to her and that she is the only thing in your life that really matters now.
Tell your wife that to have paid the £1400 pounds was not an act of cowardice, but that it was a means to an end. There are many forms of courage my friend and paying all your debts off takes a lot of courage and a hell of a lot of maturity as well.
Losing the case is like tossing a coin, it could have come down heads or tales, but that is an end to it and now you must both move on.
The point of staying together is because you love each other. It may not seem like that now, she is angry at losing the case, and angry at you for paying up. That will subside and now is the time to talk.
To end the war between you and your siblings will take more courage and maturity. Offer the "olive branch" over the festive season to them and tell them that life is too short to be at war with one another. Drop your sword and they will drop theirs.

Answer 3

I don't think any of us on here can help you. My advice is to just take your wife away just for a couple of days (a b&b) and talk about how you feel and explain how you feel. Also talk to the CAB as you may find them to be able to help you, but first you and your wife need to talk without the pressure of what has happened. Maybe try to find somewhere else to live. If you both work why not look and see if you can buy your own home. Belive me I know it's not easy but don't throw away what could be a great marrage just because of this. I have had some hard times in the past but my wife and I have proved to be a good partnership and we are now in to our 21st year but it could have been a differant story??? Good luck
one other thing, see if you moved out but did not pay the rest of the money owed, even if you had a county court judgement taken out against you, I know a lot of people who have not payed a penny and after 5 years it is written off. but check that out first. would'nt it be great if you and your wife could just bugger off without paying the rest of the dosh and useing that as a down payment for your own home?

Answer 4

We do not know what the court case is about nor how the Judge came to his decision in your sisters favour. There appears to be a sum of £1800, £400 of which you have paid to somebody (your sister presumably) for we know not what. Your wife appears to be blaming you for something you have done or your family have done to her. If your wife has such a low opinion of you and is obviously not supporting you at this time, I would agree with you that you should try a separation. If you find that you are both happier apart than together then make it legal. It is nothing to do with what your family think you should do or whether they like your wife or not, the decision is yours and hers. If you have had a Court judgement against you then you are obliged to pay it or be cited for contempt of Court. Pay up or ask for time to pay and get on with your life. Its too short for fighting. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

If your marriage can be flattened by a little money and some stupid family members then it is probably time to cut your losses and get out. It is also time to put a great deal of distance between your sister and brother (like America for example). As for losing your investment in the house -- it's just a dumb house. There are millions of them everywhere. Millions of jobs, millions of caring, decent, level headed people also. Surround yourself with them and chalk this whole situation up as one life's lessons.
Once you begin again with a clear head you'll find things are not as bleak as you thought.
PS -- are you a woman or a cross dresser? (just joking...sheeze)

Answer 6

Well, buddy, you have a complicated thing going on. Have you discussed this with her? Have you told her how you felt? That would be the first thing to do.

For the arguement of paying, tell her your sister will get satisfaction whether you pay or go to jail. It is better to just pay.

If she blames you for losing the case, say it is not your fault. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TRY AND SHIFT THE BLAME ON HER. Women hate that.

And try to work out this deal with your sister, try and put the whole thing behind you.

Answer 7

Do you love your wife?? If so, it sounds like the two of you need to break away from the family and start over. Pack up and move.
If I am not mistaken, it is not a criminal case so if you hurry, you can go lease something else before it shows up anywhere and then, start over.........All it will do, if anything, will show a judgment on your credit, as long as you have not destroyed her property...Good luck and Best wishes with your wife and family

Answer 8

do what u think is the right thing