A month ago I delivered my 9 mth stillborn baby that I had with my live in boyfriend of 9 years. During a 4 month seperation we conceived, when he found out we where pregnant he asked me to move back in together. During the pregnancy it was the best time of our lives & the relationship was the best ever. We had issues b4 the seperation that included 1)He didn't want more children, this would have been my 1st. 2)He didn't want to remarry for the 3rd time 3)He claims that we didn't have romance/or enough sex. Now the same problems we had b4 the baby came into existence have resurfaced & he wants to break up for good & move on. I know I love him but have felt unsecure for obvious reasons & I know that I need this time to for myself. QUES. What can I do if anything to stay with him & bring him to accept my wants for children & marriage. I'm almost 40, he's 46. If I let him walk away I don't want him to believe that I also gave up on us-it also feels like some sort of dishonor to my baby.
2006-11-30 15:08:02 · 6 answers · asked by Patty 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Let him go. Apparently what the two of you want are not the same thing. Plus it sounds like He doesn't feel the same about you as you do about him. Move on and remember don't comprimise yourself for anyone. If a person really loves you they will accept you for what you are ,good and bad.
2006-11-30 15:14:30 · answer #1 · answered by hotmama 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all let me say that my thoughts are with you at a very difficult time in your life. Losing a baby must be very difficult.
If I might point out some things from your post it might help you to see that you already have your answers. Upon learning you were pregnant he asked you to move back in with him. After losing the child he has shown you he wants to "break up for good and move on". This may sound harsh but it appears as if he was "doing the right thing" in his mind when he learned of the pregnancy. If this man truly loves you he would be with you right now helping you get through the grieving process.
He has made it clear he doesn't want to remarry but yet it seems you persist in wanting that part of the relationship to come to fruition. Both parties have to want the same thing or it just doesn't work.
Men for the most part are attracted to confident women. Because of the issues you've had prior to conception and now after the loss of your child, you are lacking such confidence and rightly so.... Tragedy such as you have experienced would leave anyone shaken and doubtful.
If he is pulling away my suggestion is, and it will be hard....DO NOT CHASE HIM...as this is construed as neediness. You may love him but if he is not showing you love back then you need to find other things, activities, friends etc to fill the void you think you need.
My guess is that he is the wrong man if he can't step up to the plate, acknowledge your grief and relationship needs. There is a man out there who will be all that you seek and more....just give yourself time. Not being with this man in no way dishonors your baby. I'll leave you with this quote:
"A man is never worth your tears, and the one that is would never make you cry anyway"
Peace and blessings be yours....
Lisa
2006-11-30 23:25:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry for you. I imagine you are devastated. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I don't think you are going to bring this man around to your way of thinking. I don't think it's you who is giving up on the relationship or that its any dishonor to your baby. Right now I think you need all the emotional and moral support you can get and to talk to a mental health therapist.
He's a 2 time loser and let's face it, if you two have been together for 9 years and you are still stuck in the same place, what makes you think it's ever going to change? If I were you I would take care of myself and my needs and begin to disengage yourself from this man. I wish you all the best. God Bless.
2006-11-30 23:26:40 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Several friends have had late-term stillbirths, so I've seen up close how shattering that experience can be.
So what I'm going to say next may not be pleasant, but it's not the toughest thing you've had to face.
You need to leave him. You said yourself that the problems before your pregnancy have resurfaced; they will not go away. Marriage is not a magic bullet that dissolves problems between people, and after nine years, if he was going to marry you, he would have already done so.
Your description of the situation suggests that there's no "us" to give up on -- he's not in a relationship with you, and you're hanging onto a memory of a relationship that was never what you wanted it to be or thought it was. And the best thing you can do to honor the memory of your baby is to move on with your own life. Get clear, set yourself on your own feet, do and say whatever you need to in order to be complete with this man... and put him out of your life.
One other caution -- post-partum depression is a very real thing, and it must be even worse when you're dealing with the grief of losing your baby. Please take care of yourself and keep in touch with people who will help you be true to your own future.
But this guy isn't one of them.
2006-11-30 23:43:04 · answer #4 · answered by Scott F 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
girl friend i have been there where you are, in my oppinuon is to let him go. if you were realy ment for each other he will come back or you would not be at this point. good luck. do what your heart tells you to do.
2006-11-30 23:15:56 · answer #5 · answered by baywood 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he doesn't want kids you can't make him. He did try to stand by you when you we're pregnant, but his heart is not in this.
2006-11-30 23:12:18 · answer #6 · answered by nursesr4evr 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋