My wife and I have had this talk before and she usually has some reason, although it changes often, for her total lack of sexual desire. Sometimes her reasoning is almost religious in nature and other times age related, we are both in our mid forties and married for over twenty. She has claimed to be suffering from "sexual burn out", (we two used to have a good sex life), or that I had a vasectomy after our last child in consideration of my wife's health and with her consent.
Leaving all the many reasons she has given for this situation aside it has occured to me that the single biggest thing for me to be worried about is that I think this is a big, big problem and that she says it is natural and "no big deal". I guess what I'd like to know is if I think something like this can be fatal to a marriage and she says it is completely unimportant, is there any way that I can help but be right?
2006-11-30 09:44:18 · 17 answers · asked by MEL 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Okay, we used to do the sex shop thing and had a moderatley (one on one) kinky sex life and she says that was part of the sexual burn out, not the same thing over and over again. Of the two of us I am the more depressed at the situation and she is the more angry with me for not understanding her,,,lack of need. She says that she has no need or desire for physical intimacy so I question if foreplay is the answer,,,unless you mean "four play" and I'm not comfortable with that action. This appears to be a more common problem than I had realized.
2006-11-30 11:24:07 · update #1
I'm sorry to hear that you are having this problem with your wife.......however it doesn't mean that this is the end of your relationship. Women begin experiencing many changes in their bodies in their 40's (for example, menopause doen't all happen at once, there are different phases, it may take years to fully get through it), and it could be very possible that these hormonal changes are causing her lack of sex drive.
I would try to be as sensitive and supportive to your wife as possible, as she may be having a hard time dealing with this herself, and then to also feel that she's letting her husband down is also an emotional strain. Ask her questions about what and how she is feeling towards you, but not in a judgemental or way, maybe phrase it like, "I've noticed that we haven't been intimate, I just wanted to talk about it and see if there's anything I can do because I miss our closeness."
She could also be feeling low self-esteem. Do you still let her know that she is the love of your life and you think she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? These sincere compliments can really lift a gal's spirits. Have you thought about surprising her with a date night, just out of the blue, something that she'd love to do. Remind her of the days you first started dating, relive some of your old memories together.
Tell her as gently as you can that while she sees this as no big deal, you are feeling like something that the two of you once shared is missing, and it's important for you to understand why. We are all human beings and have needs, the fact that you so badly want to share this act of love with her and her only, but she's not interested is affecting you.
In conclusion, I think that in order to fix any of your problems, you'll have to open up the lines of communication. But I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that this is a sure sign of a failing relationship. Take into consideration all of the possible factors, and discuss them with your wife. Maybe a marriage counselor would help you both to express your feelings and concerns with each other. I wish you the best of luck, and remember to always tell your wife that you love her!
2006-11-30 10:04:25 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
The end of sex doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage. Very often a couple who has been married a long time gradually stop having sex but they remain together and are happy. if they're cool with that, then that's fine. But if one still wants sex and the other is through with it, THAT could be the end of the road. You're wife is right, it is "natural" for a desire for sex to wane. Humans are like animals and are really into sex in their prime reproduction years. But when those years pass, it's natural for the desire to go down. it's doesn't have to leave completely and for some people it never goes down. Sounds like you still want it and your wife doesn't. Now THAT can be a problem. You'd better talk to her or a counselor about it and arrive at some decision. Because there are only three solutions to this problem: You agree to give up sex, she agrees to at least occasionally have sex, or you go and get it on the side.
2006-11-30 09:50:39 · answer #2 · answered by bodinibold 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's only headed for the rocks if you let it go there. You seriously cannot blame a lack of sex for a marriage split. Did you marry your wife because of the sex? I highly doubt it, otherwise you wouldn't have lasted together for so long.
Here are a couple of things to think about...
Now that her drive has decreased, you're going to have to change how you go about trying to get some. For example, lying down next to her and saying, "wanna have sex?" may used to have worked, but now it's just going to tick her off and make her more likely to roll over and tell you to leave her alone.
Are you gone from the house a lot? If you're rarely around, and all you want when you're home is for her to put out, she's going to feel like she's just a toy to you, not someone you care about.
When you are home, do you pay any attention to her or are you always watching TV or on the computer while she's cleaning up dinner, etc.? These things make a huge difference. They may not have used to, but now they're more important than ever. She needs to feel like you're attracted to her no matter what and at all times, and that if one night she doesn't feel like it, it's still okay with you. Once she starts hearing guilt trips from you or feeling like all you want with her is one thing, the less she's gonna want to do it.
Make her feel special and beautiful, and above all, do NOT just bring it up randomly and expect her to be able to turn it on. Women don't work that way, but men do. Build up to it, or it'll be no dice. And don't let it ruin your marriage, that's just rediculous.
2006-11-30 10:05:23 · answer #3 · answered by A W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It can be at times,. If you feel that your not getting what you need it can be depressing and cause you to question things as you seem to be doing. Also a womens sex drive is not the same. Have you forgot about four-play and not just oral, four play means alot to a women. Or most anyway. A women needs to feel special generally to be in the mood. It may be no ones direct fault, but sometimes long time couple's forget or put the sex life aside seeing as they feel other things are more important at the time. It is a priority in a relationship maybe not the first or second but its on the list.Talk to your wife maybe it is no ones fault but figure out what you can do to make it better on both your parts, don't make her feel like its just a problem she has but both of you and work on it together.
2006-11-30 09:58:54 · answer #4 · answered by a h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I read somewhere once that a healthy sex life is vital to a healthy marriage. Sometimes women get into the mood where they don't want sex, men on the other hand have walking sex drives. I would say give her some time and see what happens then. The other thing that might be happening is that she is not "burnt out" just bored. Sometimes we get tired of the same thing over and over and over again. Try doing something different and see if that helps.
2006-11-30 09:48:30 · answer #5 · answered by Barbara B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Something's not right. I've had a vasectomy and we're both over 40. Right now we both seem to be having medical issues that just caught up with us at the same time but usually we're both like rabbits in heat. Sometimes hot and sometimes cold.... but never burned out!
2006-11-30 09:53:08 · answer #6 · answered by open_phunguy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before you give up...try dating your wife again. Even if she is not responsive at first. Give her time, and really lay it on thick. I'm very serious about this. Make her FEEL like a woman, and the most hottest chick on earth. Take her out once a week. Make her feel special and important!
I'm almost guaranteeing she will come around. Give it a shot!
2006-11-30 10:21:09 · answer #7 · answered by ♦♦pixiechix♦♦ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you first get married there is passion, then after time the passion fizzles out. Try courting your wife all over again, you sound like you're in a rut!
2006-11-30 10:35:30 · answer #8 · answered by Gerry 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well what i think she probley burn out after doing the same thing over and over again she mite need some thing new some extra excitement go down to a sex shop get some new ideal in your head on how to turn her on buy some toys and oils make it interesting and fun for the both of you
2006-11-30 10:02:12 · answer #9 · answered by little_bear 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I've never seen it be good for a marriage. Sometimes it's not bad, but usually things get more strained after you stop having sex.
2006-11-30 09:47:21 · answer #10 · answered by Sean J 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋