in need of constructive criticism 4 outline.If you UR a history major or know how 2 write well, please help me

Question

Thesis (I will complicate this later, but if you have a good idea please let me know): Jim Thorpe served as an agent for social and political changes.
1.His accomplishments as an athlete are ample proof of Thorpe’s impact on American society
* Thorpe’s excellence in multiple sports contributed to an increasing number of student athletes participating in more than one sport. -> ppl nhave competitive mindsets and are very goal-oriented.
* Thorpe revolutionized football into a strategic, fast-paced, and even gory sport that the majority of Americans are crazy about-> the game of football has become such an integral part of the American life
2. He showed that anyone, regardless of background, can be respected as long as he or she proves his/her worth
*President Taft once said that Thorpe is the highest type of American. Considering the fact that Native Americans were treated like s***t, this statement is noteworthy.
* He was an idol of everyone regardless of age and race.

3. After retirement, Thorpe became an outspoken champion of Native Americans’ rights using his celebrity status
*He became a public speaker and toured the nation to speak for advancement
4. Thorpe indirectly exposed the patronizing, snobbish attitude of bureaucratic officials in the world of sports to Americans
* The officials of the AAU pretended that they were unaware of the fact that Thorpe played Summer baseball while in college and victimized Thorpe.  People were outraged by such action because the officials did not take any responsiblities for what they did and victimized Thorpe to retain their positions.
* As a result of the unfair stripping of his Olympic gold medals, people raised doubt on the feasibility of amateurism in America.

Answer 1

Your thesis is VERY broad. Put more specifics in there, like how, when, why he influenced these changes, and what the changes were. From your outline, I can tell you have a lot of information. What you need now is to focus that information into the thesis you are arguing. This is what makes a good essay.

Answer 2

I will get back to you in more detail on this later, I'm pressed for time right now. In the meantime, I can refer you to an excellent essay on this subject by Stephen Jay Gould in his book "Triumph and Tragedy in Mudville", which should be available from a library.

Answer 3

this scares people away...good luck