Should I not be mad about this?

Question

Ok please be honest and let me know how you guys would feel. My husband has to travel to illinois for a custody case for his son. It's all the way across the country from were we live and I wanted to be there with him for support. I have been through this and it can get brutal. Plus family support is always shown to be good in court cases. But because his son's mother doesn't like me he feels it's not good for me to go so that she doesn't raise he**. I think that's rediculous. I am his wife and this is how it is going to be until death do us part. I feel she has to get over it and I can't be left behind of stay away from things just because she may have a fit. I understand he doesn't want the extra grief from her but come on, how fair is that?Anytime theres an issue it's always "we" but now it's just "him" and he wants to leave me at home cause of her. I'm sorry but I think that's not right and he needs to stand his ground with her and stop letting her tantrums control how we do things

Am I wrong for wanting to support my husband and be there with him for this thing with my stepson regardless to how she feels about me? Is he wrong for telling me it's best I don't go because of her?

For those saying that this is my husbands mess and NOT my child, the day I said "I do" to him it became my mess and "our" child. Just like my son is his now. We are a family and don't fight battles alone.

And to clear things up they have been broken up since his son was a baby. He is now 8 years old. So no I did not break them up. She just hates me cause I am the only person he has ever been serious about since her.

Answer 1

Have you and the ex-wife had altercations before? If that has happened I can see how he would be leery of having you join him in court for fear of another ill-feeling event.

BUT - despite that...it doesn't mean he's 100% right. The ex-wife should not have control over whether you go or stay and by telling you not to go - he's giving the ex wife control.

You are his wife and he should trust you enough to know that if you and the ex did enter into an argument in the past...you understand the intensity of this court battle and you wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it.

Talk to him about it again and assure him you won't do or say anything out of line and express you just want to be able to support him. If he still says "NO" then leave it alone. He's already under a ton of stress I'm sure and the last thing he needs is another argument.

Answer 2

I completely agree with jenniphon..and as far as the family support thing ..what if the Judge asks about your husbands household?(and they do..) They will want to see and meet you cause you will be there when the boy comes to see your husband. It will look so much better-like a strong family unit and also give your husband a slight advantage that he has re-married and settled down..that he is stable.
But aside from all that you are a part of your husbands life so this really is a part of your life too. Does he think that the ex will soften up and make things go easy if you aren't there? I doubt it and who knows she may have some dark motives for not wanting you there..
Just talk to him and explain that you love and trust him but you really want to be there ..for him and for yourself..you really need to make this clear..because if proceeds with out you there you will resent him for excluding you in the whole process too..and those kind hurts take a while to go away..almost like he cares more about her feelings than yours..
stand your ground on this and hopefully he will see your point of view..

Answer 3

I think it's great that you're willing to back your husband up on fighting for custody of a child that isn't yours by birth, but now is by marriage. That said, he should definitely not be letting her control how you guys do things. It will look great in court for both of you to be there. It shows that you are willing to accept the child into your home as well and his ex could try and use it against you guys if you aren't there even. If she starts throwing a fit that you are there it will make her look even worse to the judge and makes it go in your favor for that reason as well. Your husband needs to tell his ex-wife that you are coming and that she will just have to deal with it because you aren't going anywhere.

Answer 4

To me, there seem to be many issues going on. They are obviously still at a weird negative place in their relationship. It would seem to me that you factor into any custody issues as well as your husband; the child is your stepson, so, whether she likes it or not, you are involved. I would also guess that if your husband wants custody or visitation his chances would improve if you were there to show your support. The ex-wife is more attuned to revenge, but this whole thing should be about the child, and all of you should strive for civil relationships. Good luck..

Answer 5

Girl go stand by your man!!!! Your are defintely not wrong for wanting to be there and support your husband. Forget his ex wife!! Im sure she is nothing that you cant handle. Besides if you dont go your just letting that broad win. I say GO dont let anything stop you from supporting your marriage and your man. Whats his battle is your battle too and vice versa. Marriage is a partnership you should do everything together!

Answer 6

i can belive you are doing the right thing by standing by his side i agree with the situation because i have been with my husband for 13 years and he has 2 children 19 and 16 with his ex wife and he has been through the same thing and i just go with him regardless of what his ex has to say i am there for my husband and my step-children not for her. its about the children not the parents and srep parents .even if the kids dont like you let them know you are there to support there father

Answer 7

Well i think you are right. Your husband should take you with him. A judge may look at you in a positive way if you show up to support him. I would dress to the hilt too. Let her get upset if she must, it will only show in the court room. What you must find out from your husband is this. Is the anger of his ex wife the only reason he doesnt want you there? Its something to think about. I wish you well.

Answer 8

You and ur hubby are a team. You would think that he would want you there. I would tell him just how you feel. That you 2 need to do this as a team. You are a good wife for dealing with all of that anyhow. I would just talk to him. It's not like you would fall to her ways. So what if his x gets upset. I don't blame you on this one one bit! You hold ur ground.

Answer 9

I agree with you, this is a family matter, and you are family. you are his support system.
my husbands ex tells me their child is not my concern. what would she have me do, treat their child like sh*t? This child was conceived from conception deception, and deceit. I was willing to accept her into our home and life, more so than my husband.(he never wanted kids). the child is the one suffering, she is now 16 and never met her father. we pay child support, but do not want to interfere, after all these years of being denied.
anyone on here who tells you this is not your concern, grew up in a dysfunctional life. step parents do matter. and blended families are very prevalent in this country.
This is your life too. and to deal with it you must be a part of it.
I do and will always stand by my husband.

Answer 10

I think your pride is hurt because he would rather you not go. Trust him! He knows her a lot better than you do, and if he says you need not go, then respect his wishes. He is having to not only go through this battle with her, he is also having to battle you on this issue. Let him go alone, and support him in his endeavours. It will pay huge dividends in your marriage! Good Luck!!