So i write some poetry and i wana get some opinions(honest and true dont hold back)...heres one of my most recent ones
*I can now feel it; I am in love.
With you, an angel from above.
*Your smile warms and brightens my heart
Forever, I will hold your hand, never planning to part.
*Your constantly on my mind, all day and all night
My world is now turned upside down, since you shown upon my life.
*Even though I don't always say it, I am in love with you
And if we were to say goodbye, my life would turn from gold to blue.
<3Manda...so what do you think?
2006-11-30 08:54:20 · 14 answers · asked by miniskirtvocals23 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Philosophy
I think that the intention and emotion is excellent, however the execution seems forced. I have never been partial to poetry that rhymes for that reason, it always seems that the poet has to sacrifice some of the emotion or true expression for the sake of finding a rhyme. However, for a rhyming poem, it is good. Ask yourself this...Would you have felt that it expressed your feelings in a less restricted way if you didn't have to find words that rhymed?
Also, and this is just because I am anal about things, and certainly not meant as an insult...but try to be more creative in your descriptions. Descriptions such as "brightens my heart" and "turn from gold to blue" seem a bit commercial and less passionate. I won't use the word cliche, because it is certainly better than that...but I think you could have expressed yourself more thoroughly and with more originality if you were to abandon the rhyme and commercial appeal. Great start though, and whoever he (or she) is, he (or she) is a lucky guy (or girl) to have someone feel that way about him (or her)
2006-11-30 09:07:38 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin P 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i agree with some people, it is more like a song lyric than a poem. they say the most successful poets came from India and Persia. in fact poem was born in these lands and not Greece, around the area now known as Iraq. their poems are not just sentences that rhyme, they are philosophies that rhyme. so people enjoy what they learn from every sentence they are reading, it fascinates them. i came across a couple of poems that came from ancient Persia , i think some 500 years ago, it was translated into English, although it probably sounds better in its original language it was the philosophy that i enjoyed the most. behind every sentence there was more than one meaning, mostly feelings linked with nature. so i would say if you think you have the words to fascinate people, then you have to write, and i will buy your books.
2006-11-30 17:52:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The expression is tender. Perhaps a little revision would bring the image to a sharper focus.
2006-11-30 17:09:15 · answer #3 · answered by david42 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think is good but its too much typical, is predictable, you could improve it and you can imagine more, dream more to put it in words... play with the sentences... is not bad you have a great potencial good luck!
2006-11-30 18:57:40 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like that that is very good. I wish i could write poetry.
2006-11-30 17:03:08 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I honestly think it's a little cheesy. Over done, try to draw it back a bit.
2006-11-30 18:43:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good thought, but with some guidence it could be really good. I think that if you continue writing, your skill will grow.
2006-11-30 19:31:03 · answer #7 · answered by Georgina 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly, it could use some work but I like the general idea of it-keep working you seem very talented
2006-11-30 17:04:35 · answer #8 · answered by country girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's sale able, Maybe song lyrics.
2006-11-30 16:58:54 · answer #9 · answered by hunterentertainment 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very good! I'd revamp it a little, make it more simple.
2006-11-30 19:51:09 · answer #10 · answered by ••Mott•• 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋