What should I do? Someone has confided in me that her husband, who is a public figure, is abusing her.?

Question

Our husbands work together and are well respected public figures. She has told me very detailed encounters of him punching her in the head, putting his hands around her neck, spitting on her, pushing her down the stairs when she was pregnant (causing a miscarriage). He has even done this in front of her mother, cousin and his own father. I understand this should be clear cut BUT she says she wants to work things out and that she loves him and he loves her. How do I handle this? I don't want to get in the middle of their marriage but if he kills her . . . I would not be able to live with myself.

Answer 1

Your friend has put you in a very awkward position.
Unfortunately, there's nothing she can really do except get out of the situation. She may love him, and that's great, except as long as she stays, the abuse won't stop.
The fact that he's done this in front of so many of his family members tells me that there is abuse there also. His father maybe abused his mother, and her husband is a product of his environment.
She unfortunately sounds like she's got battered wives syndrome. He hits her, apologizes, says he'll never do it again, they get along for awhile, and then he does it again. It's a terrible cycle, and unfortunately will continue until she leaves him.

Your options. First and foremost, get her out of there if possible. I know she wants to stay, but she doesn't seem to realize that she's actually reinforcing his behavior by staying. Her not leaving, tells him this is normal behavior.

If she won't leave, try to convince her to seek help through therapy. This is an interesting thing to try. If she goes into therapy for abuse, one of two things will happen. If she admits the abuse to the therapist, the therapist is LEGALLY bound to make an effort to stop the abuse (ie call the police) if he/she believes your friend is in danger. I know she doesn't want her husband busted out...but again, this is the ONLY way to stop the abuse. The other thing that could happen is that the therapist could convince your friend to leave her husband, and make her feel good about doing so.

Unfortunately, you personally can't call the police with any kind of results. If you call the police, not having personally witnessed the abuse, they can't arrest him. They may stop by, talk to the two of them...but the end result will probably the police leaving, and the husband becoming enraged and abusing her more (unless of course your friend admitted to the police that the abuse occurred).

Being a public figure... doesn't make this right. He should be arrested for this. He needs to pay for the abuse. If he doesn't, and they have children...the cycle will go on. Good luck.

I put a link to a national abuse hotline website below. There's valuable information there that could help. You, or your friend, may want to do some research, and maybe call for help. (1-800-799-SAFE)

Good luck

mj

Answer 2

Do everything in your power to help her the RIGHT WAY! Get her out of there. She would NEVER have told you if she weren't crying out for some kind of help, NOW. This is not getting in the middle of a marriage. It is getting between a sadistic person with the capacity to murder (however accidental or on purpose) an innocent woman. She needs help. If it damages your friendship, her marriage whatever - that does not matter. Her life is in jeopardy - and you said she was pregnant at one time, if there is a child - the child's very life is at stake in this situation.

The only reason why an abused woman will stay and "try to work things out" is because they are being manipulated! Emotionally, mentally she's a wreck and has been tricked by this abuser and he manipulates and controls her.. even when he is not there.

Answer 3

Your friends is crying out for help. However, only she will know when it is safe to leave. The best thing that you can do is to be there for her. What a wonderful friend she has.
When it is safe...please give this to her.
Only you will know when it is safe to leave. You do not deserve any form of abuse. This is a serious situation, and potentially can be dangerous for you (and your children). If he has been physically violent with you in the past, he is like a time-bomb...Be cautious, and leave when you know it is safe. Try to re-locate to a place where he does not know where you are at. Protect yourself with a safety plan. 1) Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a room, especially a kitchen, bathroom, a room where weapons are stored, or rooms without doors or windows. 2) Keep important documents in a safe location. 3) Mentally address escape routes, and where the keys to the vehicle are. If you do not have a vehicle and cannot safely drive...go to a neighbors house or PUBLIC PLACE. 4) After talking on the phone, call a local business in your area to make your calls untraceable. If he gets the phone bill, all of your calls to domestic abuse hot-lines will not be listed. (When it is safe for you to leave, the number below will get you in contact with local assistance). 5) If you write this number down, put your local area code in place of the 800, and put a persons name by it that he is not suspicious of. 6) Open up your own checking account, in your maiden name. 7) Express to your employer, family, and friends that he is to have no contact with you. If he attempts to contact you...document. 8) Keep a camera in your vehicle, if you believe that he is following you.
It may be comforting for you to know that if you leave your abusive situation, and obtain a restraining order...the judge may issue the possessions to you. Even if your spouse pays for the vehicle. (or it is in his name). You also have the right to contest a restraining order within 30 days after service. I am sorry that you are going through this, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Answer 4

Men who abuse their wives are cowards who take the one person who has dedicated her life to him and destroys her because he feels bad about himself. He transfers his own inadequacies onto her and blames her for everything, never thinking himself to possibly be the bad guy. I married a man like that but finally when I plucked up the courage to confront him, he backed off. It took me to one day give him the hiding of his life. He was shocked out of his mind, because he never thought I would stand up to him. Where I got the strength from I have no idea but I hit him so hard that he landed on the floor on the other side of our bed. He was mad and left the house. I was like jelly, but he has never lifted a finger to me again after that, in fact 8 years later he confessed that I earned his respect that day. I dont say this is the solution but usually big wife bashers are actually like jelly inside and sometimes a good confrontation is just what they need. Just make sure he is stone cold sober! If you dont have the courage ask someone else to give him a hiding!

I think its pathetic behavious and usually happens because the wife also pushes and pushes until the man explodes. We ahve to learn to mature before things get out of hand. A lot happens behind closed doors.

Just be there for her and console her and maybe suggest counselling. I dont necessarily promote violence but caught off guard it can sometimes be a solution!

Answer 5

As for getting in to it (marriage0 by her telling you, you already are and should help anyway you u can by; document everything you can every time she tells you anything. (in a notebook and picture if you can) go to the police don't wait it could get really bad quickly. She came to for help even if she says "she loves him and wants to work it out." they all say that. and in the end who is the one who is hurt HER and any children. Her family should have stepped in the first time they saw or heard anything about it!!!!! Doesn't matter what he is or does for a living, he is a wife beater and a coward. Get her help call a lawyer as well. who know if you wait to long she could be on the nightly news. I hope you can find it in you to call and get her help soon! Our prayers are with her and you in this matter! Good luck to you both.

Answer 6

Make a call the the National Center for Domestic Violence, it is anonymous and confidential. there are ways they can intervene on her behalf and expose the DIRTY rat. There are more options open these days than days before. He is using his power to intimidate, get the media involved if worse comes to worse. She must however take the first step and not allow his position in the community to intimidate her. Everyone has a nemesis and he is not GOD!

Answer 7

First, its not love, its fear and hate. Love doesn't abuse, it never has and never will. Secondly, you can't help her, she can only help herself. She knows its wrong,but isn't willing to leave, most likely because of fear, guilt or whatever else he uses to hold her down.
There are tons of websites out there that touch on abuse w/ great explainations, comfort, support and help ideas.
When I was married to the abuser, I got this great quote off a website:
Dump the guilt, this is about survival. It is your responsibility to take good care of the precious gift you were given: your body, your mind, your soul.
I printed that out and taped it every little place I could think of that it would be viewed everyday w/out him ever knowing it.

Answer 8

you have to tell her if he loves her why is he doing this. you my mom and i were talking about this the other day in the car and i said " would you leave dad if he was on the verge of killing you with beatings?" and "what if you still love him?and he loves you but still beats you?" she said that she would go to the police and if the police did nothing about it and ther are witnesses then you need to sew him and even if you love each other it is still sad because one day he could end up killing her and if he gets out of prison and beats her again then she needs to start the sueing again, but i think that the police would do something about it.

i would leave him and go and live with someone else like a relative or a close friend.and tell them my problem and if i had kids take them with me in the middle of the night.

if he told me he loved me and still beated me i would say, " if you love me you need to stop" and if he didn't than that is how i know he doesn't love me because why would you want to hurt someone you love?!

Answer 9

Wow, i do not comprehend what's extra pathetic. a woman claiming that everybody else is the placement (she's possibility free of direction) or the chorus of girls helping what's amazingly in all probability an abusive and dangerous mom. united statesa. is complete if that's the perfect we can do.

Answer 10

I don't see what you can do here when the whole family seems to be ok with it. Do your best to convince her that this is absolutely unacceptable, and that she needs to get out immediately, offer all the help you can (a place to stay, help finding a divorce laywer or a therapist) - but you can't make her do anything she isn't prepared to do.