So confused, what do I do?

Question

I have been w/ my wife for 10 years, married for nearly 3. Last March I found out that she had been having an affair with her high school bf for 2 mos. She said that she loved him, but agreed to stop seeing him so that we could work on our marriage. She said that I didn't spend enough time with her, so I pretty much quit the one hobby that I had, to spend more time with her. Then in Sept I find out that she is back with "him". I tried to work it out with her, but ended up moving out in Oct. I still have feelings for her, and she says that she doesn't know what she wants. She won't go to counseling, and I have paid a retainer to an attorney, but now she says "hold off" and is being nice to me. We have a small son together. I know that I can find someone else, and am not afraid to be alone, but what if I am doing the wrong thing? She is still seeing the bf. My friends say that she is playing me to keep me around in case the other relationshop doesn't work out. What to do?

Last night in talking, she made the comment, "Give it up. We both know you will end up back here anyway."

Answer 1

Look at your last 2 statements:
1. "She is still seeing the boyfriend"
2. "My friends say shes playing me to keep me around in case it doesn't work with boyfriend..."
She is your WIFE - she should not be "seeing" anyone but YOU. You have been overly patient and understanding and the only one who appears to care about the marriage at all. Don't give in to her pleas - just leave. She'll be hurt but look how much she has/is hurting you. If she has to question what/who she wants, then she shouldn't be married anyway. It's not fair to keep switching you around from first to second place in her life or to use you as a "back-up". As you said, you CAN find someone else and you're not afraid of being alone. So get out - you don't deserve this if you've been faithful and tried. You deserve to be number one in her life. You sound like a caring man - find someone who appreciates you and returns the favor. Your son will grow up seeing his daddy happy instead of how it is now. It's better for everyone involved.

Answer 2

I agree with your friends, and they obviously have your best interests in mind when they tell you that she is just playing you. Even though you have moved out, she still kinda wants you to be her "booty call," so to speak, just at this point without the intimate relationship. It sounds like she just wants you in the picture in case the "bf" situation doesn't work out for her and then she would have you to fall back on. If she is just throwing away 10 years of being together, including those 3 married years, then she obviously has no regard for you, your feelings, or your son. If she is willing to sacrifice your relationship for someone that happened a long time ago, then you don't need to be in that situation. I say you're much better off without her, so be the bigger person and either give her an ultimatum or end it, and then see what she has to say :)

Answer 3

Yeah, she's playing you big time... Sounds like you have all the info you need to help you make a decision here. 1) She's not committed to you 2) She has no qualms about seeing other men while married to you 3) She is not taking responsibility for her actions - instead she places the blame on you 4) After 10 years, she "doesn't know what she wants"? Phleese. When WILL she know?

If you don't mind having a wife who runs to a "back-up boyfriend" anytime she feels she's not getting enough "attention" - then consider getting back together with her. Don't expect things to change; it is very clear that she intends to keep the other guy in her life. If this is NOT your idea of marriage - file for divorce, and don't look back. There's no point in wasting time on head games.

Answer 4

i think the comments she said to you last night say a lot about what she really feels about you.as a man she feels you cant make it on your own and stand on your own two feet. when and if you go back she believes she can start all over again fooling around with her former boyfriend, who really does not want the responsibility of being a father and a husband. truth has a habit of coming out in ways we can never fully understand in the first place. consider this, if she really loved you, why did she chase after her former boyfriend in the first place. why did she deliberately lie to you about ending the relations hp only to have you find out it was started up again. was it ever stopped. there is two many unknown questions here, i would think long and hard about what you plan to do, because if you go back with the believe that she will take her vows seriously i think you may have blinders on. its better forr a child if parents divorce when they are young, then to grow up in a world where the only reason they stay together is fo the sake of the children.

Answer 5

yes i think your friends are right, she is showing no respect for u, or the marriage. she is telling u to hold off incase it doesn't work out, or waiting until their plans are finaliazed. even if she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, how about u, are u suppose to just sit and wait on her, and let her control your future. the longer u stay in a relationship like this the more depressed u will get. either she wants u or she doesn't. she is controlling u, and expects u to be there when and if this new relationship doesn't work out, but in the meanwhile, u must put your life on hold. sometimes we have to make a decision and just do it, to protect our own sanity. even if she did return, u would always remember this, and be waiting for the next time she did it.

Answer 6

Kick her to the curb bro! If you're in it for your kid, it only makes things worse (although a nice thought & a sign that you're a good parent). My parents tried to work it out for my sister and I, and I still hear the arguments in my head. Your wife obviously has no concept of marraige, cannot control her actions, and above all has no respect for you or your child. I'm sorry about your situation, but it's time for you to have some self respect and move on with your life. Good luck with whatever you do though man!

Answer 7

Theres a not so thin line between being a pushover and fighting for one's marriage. The minute you start feeling like you're being played, move on. But if your intentions are good, I applaud your efforts to try to make things work with her.

No one has the right to call you a pushover but you. Do what you feel is best in this situation, not what others tell you is best.

Answer 8

its time to put the cup down as hard it is i was i your place as while and i know how you feel you want to try everything to try to make your married work but its cant be one side it if she dont want to go to counseling then youdone your part i found trust is the big part of love without trust there no love let her go also file to get your son that what i did gruss who left in the cold and i also getting marry 4 year later to a must wife who know how to read the married vow good luck and let her boyfriend have his bootry call you will get better

Answer 9

I'm sorry for your pain. Please listen to your friends. I was where you are, after 24 years of marriage. He didn't want a divorce, but wouldn't give up the other woman. I am now happily divorced and I kept my kids, the house, etc. Move on, don't let her decide how happy you will be. Life is painful, then it gets better. Your son needs you. Your wife needs therapy. Good luck to you and your son.

Answer 10

im sorry to hear that. i think u should try to save ur marriage u didnt met ion if u belong to a church? having a preacher to talk to or an elder might help since she wont see a counselor. dont look at as if ur getting played this is ur life and any decision should be whatu really want to do.but at the same time u cant make her want to be a family and her continual involvement with him says she does not want to be with u .dont rush to divorce though give her the chance to realize what she is losing. good luck