How should I answer my wife about how would I feel if my daughter were treated the way I treated her?

Question

I had sex with my wife while she was horribly drunk, which she considered abusive. She asked me how I would feel if it were my daughter treated this way. Note, our marriage is in trouble, but she is sober now, although we have stopped having sex entirely for a long while now, and she clearly holds this against me.

Answer 1

WHAT YOU DID IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

What you did was not right nor wrong. She is your partner, but you should have respected the situation being she was not all there. As for the question she asked, you simply tell her how you feel. If you would not want you daughter treated like that, tell her. If you are truly sorry that she feels violated, tell her, and show her in any way that you can that you are! If you marriage is already in trouble, there may be no solution. If you are committed to working things out and she is as well, then there is a way to put aside differences and carry on with a new light guiding your relationship. If she is not in agreement to working things out, then possible the only solution is to part. But make sure that you let her know how you feel about things. Take her out for a romantic dinner, let her see how remorseful you are. It may help.

Answer 3

Tell you that you would hope your daughter would have married a man who she trusted enough to have sex with her no matter what state of drunkenness she was in and that perhaps, given the same scenario, you would advise your daughter that if she wants to have the right to refuse sex to her husband while drunk, she might want to not get so drunk that she is not of a mind to say "no."

At any point during this sexfest, did your wife tell you "no" or ask you to stop? She's your wife! Were you active together sexually at the time she was drunk? If so, then why would you be expected to believe that her drunkenness would change the status of your sex life?

The problem is not that you had sex with your wife while she was drunk unless she'd been telling you "no" prior to that time and you took advantage of her drunknessness to decide she must have changed her mind.

Perhaps the problem is that your wife is upset with herself that she became so drunk she had no control over her own behavior... in which case this is a problem SHE needs to address with HERSELF, not something she should be blaming on you.

Getting drunk is voluntary. Anything that happens to you during the time you're drunk does not give you the right to claim you are a victim.

Answer 4

I really don't see how that was abusive, considering she is your wife. Unless you guys weren't having sex leading up to that point. If thats the case I still don't think it was abusive. Maybe disrespectful, but not abusive. I would probably turn the tables on her and ask how would she like it if her daughter got horribly drunk and some stranger took advantage of her. Express that maybe she should be more focused on being sober so she can remain in control of the things happening to her.

Answer 5

She is your wife and I doubt she was screaming no at the time... so there should be no problem in that. If she was conscious and up to it, that's okay.. if she was not conscious or was fighting you on it then that is wrong. Tell her people do stupid things when they are drunk and she doesn't know how she was acting; you both may need couples therapy.

Answer 6

Your wife has some issues she needs to work out. Throwing things up in your face is not the way to work things out. Both of you need to seek couselling & get to the root of your problems. As for answering your wife, I don't think she deserves an answer. I don't believe you were intentionally trying to "abuse" her & she's coming up with excuses to throw things in your face. If she can't at least forgive then she really needs to figure out where she's headed in this relationship. It seems to me she has emotional issues that she needs to get worked out. If you both can't work out your marital issues, then perhaps divorce is your option. It takes 2 people to tango & from what you've said, she's not a very good dancer.

Answer 7

Tell her you'd be horrified if your daughter regularly came home drunk and hope she'd find another means of venting her frustrations. As for your actions while your wife was inebriated, that's why people get married; so they have someone to tolerate them at their worst and so their mates won't be prosecuted for doing what they could have gotten busted for while single...

Answer 8

Sounds like a good time gone bad. It really is no ones fault. Who did what, who said what, maybe she was responsive to the idea at the time?

What matters is how you feel about the situation. Do you care enough about her to understand she feels hurt about it, and willing to appolgize. Because that is what this is about, she was hurt, or feels hurt, and wants you to acknowledge to her that you care about her feelings, not if you did anything wrong.

A simple, I am sorry about what happened, at the time I didn't know. And just leave it at that.

Answer 9

Well how would u feel if that happened to your kid. Angry I expect. So give her your real answer to that. Be honest. I do find this ridicous it's like your asking all of us yahoolagins what u are feeling and thinking. We don't really know. Only u do.

Answer 10

Get a clue.It was like rape but then ask her how she would feel if her daughter gets that drunk that she does not know what shes doing.Two wrongs dont make it right.

Answer 11

I don't think it was abusive. it depends. if she was aware of what's going on or not. but to me it seems petty on her part. was she passed out and you had sex with her? or was she fully aware of what was going on? if she was aware it sounds like she wants may want out. if you are doing all u can to make it work and she want meet u half way. it takes 2 to tango and 2 to make a marriage work.