My husband an i have been married for 8 years. I had 2 kids when we met, then he and I had another. He had some bad things happen to him as a child from an older step brother. He is a wonderful man to me. He says he doesnt believe in cheating..he treats me like a queen, he just doesnt ever want to have sex. We did alot when we were dating, and after we got married. But 7 years ago, it just stopped. I wrote about this 3 mths ago, and its gotten worse. He refuses counseling, docs etc. He has initiated mayB 6 times in 7 yrs. He usually says he is to tired when I try. We only have sex maybe 3 to 6 times a year. Now, He says he wants to work on the marriage, but insists i dont initiate. And he gets angry and Yells, and says "I DONT KNOW", when I ask why he has rejected me. Well his reasoning for the past 2 yrs is cause I dont touch his penis correctly, either I tickle or its to hard. I need some help. Am I a fool? Ive tried EVERYTHING, diff positions. ALL of it. Testostorone is norm, cheked
2006-11-30 04:00:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has issues that need to be addressed NOW. You have need that need to be met NOW. He either needs to go get some help or you may need to move on. Sex is part of marriage.
2006-11-30 04:05:43 · answer #1 · answered by Premo Mom 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Got your email. After reading this I'd have to say if he was abused it could be manifesting itself. He needs to see a counselor. I'm just sorry you waited so long. Having sex once a year is NOT normal and just reading it I'd say you should have booted his ***. That said if he's fracturing because he's recalling memories of abuse he's mixing it all up and you are bearing the brunt of it. If I were you I'd FORCE him to go see a counselor. Issue him an ultimatum he either gets help or you walk or find a lover because what you are in is NOT a healthy relationship.
HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP. He's tossing you excuses and making you feel bad. It's not your fault. You deserver more and better then that. In the meantime for your own personal enjoyment I'd recommend you pick up a few toys to bide your time and stave off pulling the trigger. There is a link below that might help if you've got an ipod or mp3 player.
In the meantime, get him into counseling for himself and marriage counseling for the two of you because you need to talk to someone, you need to be heard and you need a neutral party to make sure he sits and listens!!!
2006-11-30 09:39:44 · answer #2 · answered by Cybrocupid 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Make sure the "too tired" excuse is a non-excuse. Make sure you're getting to bed early on the nights you're planning to initiate. It sounds like you already are taking a lot of initiative, but make sure he doesn't have to work hard at pleasing you, take some initiative to take care of your own pleasure. Do the things he likes. Set it up so he has no excuses, and then don't take no for an answer. Sleep naked, and as close to him as you can get. Encourage him to sleep naked also. Find out if he has any fantasies or fetishes, and be them. My wife has a "school girl" outfit she wears that drives me nuts. It's really just a pleated skirt and a button down shirt, but if she wears it and doesn't want to have sex, she'd better have a big stick. If you don't know of any fantasies, ask him. Set any ground rules, and then tell him anything else he can have. Something like, "Nothing involving other people or being tied down, but anything else you want, we can do." But search the Internet before you offer this and make sure your list is exaustive, because you never know when he'll have something in mind you've never thought of, and if you're going to promise anything, you'd better be willing for anything.
2006-11-30 05:20:19 · answer #3 · answered by Sean J 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Once you have been sexually abused, it never goes away and can really mess with your head and yes, sexuality. He must deal with it and let go of the guilt. Even though it was not his fault, their is always something telling him it was. He really needs to get some help, but if he is not willing then there is nothing you can do. He may be relating sex as something that brings back really painful memories. Don't be his therapist, be a friend. Sounds to me like you have done all you can do. If he is so unwilling to seek help, maybe he knows the reason and wants to spare you the heartache of knowing that he may no longer be attracted to you.
2006-11-30 04:17:30 · answer #4 · answered by stacey h 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its understandable how this could bring alot of stress on you.The problem is with him and NOT the way you have been touching him.He REALLY needs to go talk to someone about this problem.If as he claims "I DONT KNOW' is his reason, then he is just saying he doesnt want to talk about it...because inside...he DOES know. I know this is just a shot in the dark but, have you gained alot of weight over the years?..sometimes men are not attracted to large women but because he loves you so much he is afraid of hurting your feelings by telling you that he isnt attracted to you...that happens more then women might think...I wish you well
2006-11-30 04:19:55 · answer #5 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Though no one you get answers from here (me included) are experts, many of us have had to deal with similar experiences and can offer insight, although limited. My advice is to continue to seek counseling. If he refuses to go, by all means go by yourself! Your husband clearly has some issues he is avoiding, and you need to find a practical way of dealing with how these issues are affecting you and your marriage. I wish you luck and commend you for hanging in there as long as you have. Give it every chance before making a decision to leave.
2006-11-30 04:28:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing normal about this. If he really wants to work on the marriage and it is more than just talk then he needs to consider including outside sources of help. Until then it is just talk to keep you hoping.
2006-11-30 04:13:34 · answer #7 · answered by rkrell 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ayay... pretty obvious that he has major problems and it's his brain that needs fixing. He can choose to stop living in the past if he wants, but that kinda crap is not normal. Maybe he has control issues, or who knows?... I think I better just shut up and be thankful for what I've got in my marriage.
2006-11-30 04:15:00 · answer #8 · answered by lab_monkey5 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Angie you take your self down to the local sex store and buy your self a vibrator you need to also be satisfied and maybe if he sees you satisfying your self he just might just jump in and make it clear to him you are a young woman and need sex weather it is from him or a vibrator make him know he needs to get some help or else
2006-11-30 04:22:41 · answer #9 · answered by just_me_1955 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Then you need to get him in bed, and talk to him about what is feeling good. If he says your being to hard, lighten up.
TALK to him while your touching him. Tell him to tell you when it is feeling good. Keep in mind at that time, what you are doing and try to remember. Try some lubercants on him as well.
You just need to talk to each other about what feels good. Try buying the sex lotions that prolong his erection, or lotions that help in achiveing an erection.
2006-11-30 04:08:28 · answer #10 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋