For 15 yrs I have been the "cool" mom. How in God's name am I supposed to change now?

Question

I've been with my b/f for 5 years, I love him dearly. I will not just leave and waste the last 5 yrs of my life cuz of my kids. I love them too of course, but they do take advantage of me. My b/f and I have not lived together yet (I know...hard to believe!) but in the next month we will be. He has started to nit-pick me about EVERYTHING lately, mostly about my parenting. He thinks my kids walk all over me and treat me like their slave. Should I be telling him to mind his own f***ing business and worry about his own kids and the way their mother is bringing them up? Or should I NOT rock the boat, and suddenly do it his way and become a monster to my children? They know it's cuz of him now everytime I reprimand them and they are starting to seriously resent him for it. How are we supposed to live happily ever after????

Thank you all for your "serious" responses! I was expecting some smartass ones and got none. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

My mistake...there was one from "kittykat".

Answer 1

If you know your kids walk all over you already then he is telling you the truth and he obviously doesn't like the woman he loves being taken advantage of. You clearly like being the "cool mum", you are not going to lose their love and adoration because you say no now and again. How are you kids supposed to fend for themselves when they grow up and leave home if you don't teach them how to? You will ruin them and they will expect everything on a plate in lfe when that is just not how it works. Do yourself a favour and start to enjoy YOUR life and let your kids do things for themselves. Don't you deserve it?

Answer 2

Your children should come first. It is wrong for him to comment on the children, they are not his. They were there first, not him. If your children are young enough to still be at home then you should preserve their home for them. Not some guy who already has a grudge against them. Too many women choose a man over their children. Teenagers are rough to live with--it is natural and part of growing up. If you were comfortable with them why should this man (who has no attachment to them) have any say in their lives. He sounds too controlling. He should mind his own business.
You will not "Waste" the last 5 years of you life because of your kids??? Perhaps you should have thought long and hard before you had kids. They are a commitment and should come before any man. (there are many men out there but those children are not replaceable.)
People who are boyfriends/girlfriends or even step-parents should not be given the opportunity to parent as if they were the actual parents. They are not. (in some cases where they have been there since birth it may be different) He should not ever be given control over any decision having to do with your children. (unless you want them to really hate him)

Answer 3

he should support your every decision when it comes to the children, that way your children will know you are united and won't be able to resent either of you as individuals. As you say the children have already noticed that you don't agree on how to discipline them, this will cause lots of problems if you don't nip it in the bud.

there is nothing wrong wih discussing new parenting techniques etc, but he shouldn't assume a 'boss' status in the family as that has been your role..he can join forces with you but not take over -you remain in control (and the children will need to pick that up-it will make them feel less threatened) especially if he his criticising your parenting.

tell him to back off, as the children will be picking up on any tension or weakness in your relationship. Discuss how you feel with him (when the children are out) so you can get him to understand what he is doing.

Support each other - he may be feeling unsettled about moving in and may be trying to carve out a place/ role in the household, which is normal.

Answer 4

You say your kids take advantage of you, and he says they walk all over you and treat you like a slave, DO THEY? If they do, get it sorted its great to be cool however your a parent 1st. There are bound to be changes if he moves in anyway, have a chat to the kids and let them know there will be some new rules. When it comes to disciplining your kids that should be YOUR job, make that clear before the big move!

Answer 5

Firstly they are your children so you bring them up the way you feel is best and works best for you and your kids, but you do not have to hurt you B/F either just have a good chat with him and let him know that you think it would be better ( for the kids and you) if you were in charge of disciplining your kids at least until they got used to him living with you - the diplomatic approach may mean you don't upset the kid or offend your b/f

Answer 6

Kids need a parent, not a friend. They have plenty of friends but only one mother. You have not done a very good job of parenting in the past and now you are paying for it. Believe it or not, kids want boundaries. It makes them feel safe. However, at this stage of the game, I doubt that you can change the rules without some professional help.

Answer 7

This man sounds like he will be in your life for many more years to come. That said, he may become the stepfather and he too will have a role in raising your children as well as his, so in that way, it is his business. Remember, you are your childrens PARENT, not BUDDY. If you are diciplining them, I am sure it is for their own good. It does sound like you are passing the buck in the way that if what you tell them to do something that is right but unpopular, you are going to blame him so you don't look "UNCOOL". "MONSTERS" beat, starve, and molest their children. Unless you do one of those things, I am sure grounding them or taking away their privilages will not make you Americas Most Wanted.

As for the nitpicking overall, I would let him know that you guys have been together for 5 years, you are who you are, he knows what kind of person you are, and if he doesn't like it, he can
a)Accept it
b)Leave.

Answer 8

I have basically the same problem. only i've been married for22 yrs now and he is just feed up with the way the kids walk all over me. So I have tried to back off with them some but I love my kids and just because he would handle things different doesn't make me wrong. He has tried to put his foot down but when it comes right down to it I do what I'm gonna do anyway whether he likes it or not they don't come to him or he could do it his way they come to me so I do it my way. I wish you alot of luck

Answer 9

He has NO right to tell you haw to treat your kids!In fact, if this guy loves you, you and him should sit down and discuss the kids. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let him walk all over you. If he plans to merry you, you should have a BIG saying about what to do with the kids.

As far as the kids go, I would place a few new rules down for them. Plus every time they try to walk all over you, and you catch them. Charge them like $5-$15, that way they will learn to love you, respect you, and not to walk all over you. By no means give up, even if your kids yell, scream, and cry.

Answer 10

There has to be BALANCE!!!! Your kids are dealing with a new person and they ALL have to respect each other.

Just as long as they keep out of his way and his space then there don't need to be changes.

But, for example, if your kids are accustomed to just barging into your room any ole time, you have to realize that your bf won't stand for this and need to decide...Do my kids have to respect this man and follow some of his rules...IF the answer is NO, then dump him now and save yourself the trouble.

Things MUST change because of a new person, but if you like being pushed around by your kids then thats your choice, JUST as long as they know the way they treat you will not be tolerated by him.