I need some constructive criticism on the outline for my paper on Jim Thorpe.?

Question

Thesis (I will complicate this later, but if you have a good idea please let me know): Jim Thorpe served as an agent for social and political changes.
1.His accomplishments as an athlete are ample proof of Thorpe’s impact on American society
* Thorpe’s excellence in multiple sports contributed to an increasing number of student athletes participating in more than one sport. -> ppl nhave competitive mindsets and are very goal-oriented.
* Thorpe revolutionized football into a strategic, fast-paced, and even gory sport that the majority of Americans are crazy about-> the game of football has become such an integral part of the American life
2. He showed that anyone, regardless of background, can be respected as long as he or she proves his/her worth
*President Taft once said that Thorpe is the highest type of American. Considering the fact that Native Americans were treated like s***t, this statement is noteworthy.
* He was an idol of everyone regardless of age and race.

3. After retirement, Thorpe became an outspoken champion of Native Americans’ rights using his celebrity status
* He became a public speaker and toured the nation to speak for advancement

4. Thorpe indirectly exposed the patronizing, snobbish attitude of bureaucratic officials in the world of sports to Americans

* The officials of the AAU pretended that they were unaware of the fact that Thorpe played Summer baseball while in college and victimized Thorpe. --> People were outraged by such action because the officials did not take any responsiblities for what they did and victimized Thorpe to retain their positions.
* As a result of the unfair stripping of his Olympic gold medals, people raised doubt on the feasibility of amateurism in America.

Answer 1

Dont forget his son Gil

Answer 2

Rethink that second sentence under point #1. First of all it exaggerates Thorpe's influence but as well it is a male perspective. Perhaps a majority of American males are strong football fans (can you document that statement?) but a majority of the US population? I do not think so. Under point #2, first off I trust you are not going to use profanity in your essay, right? Next be really careful in using broad and unqualified claims such as "idol of everyone". I bet the sort of people who were lynching African Americans might not have idolized Jim Thorpe.

Answer 3

I like most of it except the phrasing of #1 "His accomplishments as an athlete are ample proof of Thorpe's impact on American society".

As a sentence, I don't care for it. His accomplishments as an athlete prove nothing except that he is an accomplished athlete. Your accomplishments as an athlete cannot serve as proof of an impact in society.

I'm not saying he didn't have an impact, just the wording is wrong. What is true is that his accomplishments as an athlete allowed him to make a major impact on society. But you can't point to one as proof of another.

On edit: It seems nit-picky, but if this is really a thesis, or at least an important paper, a teacher will nail you on that.

Answer 4

Constructive criticism is criticism kindly meant that has a goal of improving some area of another’s person’s life or work. Often constructive criticism refers specifically to the critique of someone else’s written or artistic work, in perhaps a teacher/student setting, that would allow that person to further improve the work or to improve their approach to future endeavors. However, constructive criticism can also apply to a critical reasoned analysis of a person’s behavior, as in a patient/therapist setting or a group therapy setting. Parents also try to employ constructive criticism to help their children improve their lives.

Answer 5

Well, I'm impressed as heck - your outline is good, now expand on it. Jim Thorpe is one of my idols! I hope this is constructive criticism.