My husband and I have been together for almost a decade. He claims I'm the person he loves the most in the world. He thinks the ideal life would be us together with our cat for the rest of our days. He wants to travel the world and just enjoy each other's company. He thinks a baby would bring unnecessary stress into our lives. He has no desire to become a father whasoever. I, on the other hand, want nothing more than to have a family, with kids, not just cats. He thinks I'm selfish for wanting a baby, he says I'm only considering my needs. I think he is selfish for not wanting to give me one. I thouhgt that if a guy really loved a woman, he would want to have her baby. It's not like we're teenagers and just met each other. I love him very much, but I don't know what to do anymore. We're seeing a couple's counselor, but we can't seem to get anywhere. He thinks I'm pressuring him, and I think he's robbing me of the most meaningful experience I could have. What do I do? Help me please!!
2006-11-30 01:43:51 · 16 answers · asked by amaya m 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You should have both settled on the children issue BEFORE marrying. There is no excuse for this issue to be surfacing now, shame on you both for not addressing it before you ever committed to each other.
Now you are stuck. Since he does not want children and you do, the only recourse you have is divorce.
2006-11-30 01:47:14 · answer #1 · answered by kja63 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is a discussion you should of had before you were married. You can't force him to have a baby with you. He will resent both you and the baby. He is just not someone who wants a child and you either live with that fact or find someone that wants to have a family with you. If you brought a child into your home, it would most likely put a huge rift in your marriage. One because he doesn't want one and two because he will not be able to do all the things he hopes to do with you. Some people are just not meant to be parents. Being a parent is a tremendous sacrifice - a baby completely changes your life and this he probably already knows. I can't help you only give you my opinion and my opinion is to stop trying to change him and love him for what he is or seek another man to give you what you want.
2006-11-30 01:59:44 · answer #2 · answered by HereweGO 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep up with the counselor. If in a couple of months you're at the same point then maybe you'll have to break-up... How important is it for you to have kids? Why do you want them? I have two and when pregnant of the first one, that I really wanted for 10 years, I realized that maybe it's more because of my biological clock that I wanted so badly kids. Next time your partner feel like having a special fishing/hunting/golfing or such week-end in which you're not particularly interested, find a young family: watch the youngsters for the week-end while the parent have a good break! Bring your stuff at their place and have fun with the youngsters. Either it will heightened the need to have kids, release the tension linked to this need for a while or totally discourage you ;-) Better it be kids under 3. If you have no friends of family with youngsters then try to meet some neighbors...
2006-11-30 01:56:48 · answer #3 · answered by Mel 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having a baby with someone is not necessarily a sign of being in love. Though it can be the most fulfilling experience between two people in love. A child is a huge responsibility and some people may not feel ready for it. Also, he might just be prudent and is thinking about how a baby would fit into your current lifestyle/situation. However, don't give up. Talk about it. Maybe it is as simple as him wanting to experience life first or maybe it could be something deeper. Whatever you do, don't let it cause a rift in your relationship. Maybe someday he may change his mind. Also, ask yourself, how is he around other children such as neices and nephews? Sometimes you can gauge how he feels about children by the way he interacts with other children. Good luck to you!
2006-11-30 01:50:13 · answer #4 · answered by graphix_osu 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unnecessary Stress? OMG the love a child brings into a marriage so OUTWAYS the stress. What he is really saying is, he is materialistic and doesn't want to share it. People tell you to see how he does with others kids....that won't work, because when it's your child, they don't annoy you like someone elses. So it is misleading. You would learn so much from having a child. But didn't you talk about this before marriage? Wouldn't this be a deciding factor in getting married or not? Did you think he would change his mind? Some do, some don't. As for the counseling thing...keep getting it, but you might want to change couselors. Maybe serval time until you find the right one. Good luck and God bless.
2006-11-30 02:02:53 · answer #5 · answered by Becky F 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
To bad the two of you did not discuss this before the marriage. I don't think either one of you are being selfish, I think you both just have entirely different ideas of how you want to live your lives. He obviously has no desire to have a family. He wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases, and there are many men and women in the world with this attitude. It does not mean it is right or wrong. Just different from your ideas. I am very sorry for you, This must be a very painful situation to be in. I am going to keep you in my prayers. It seems that someone is going to have to bend and give in to the other. I hope he changes his mind and will at least have one child. Good luck to you and God bless****
2006-11-30 02:07:16 · answer #6 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do believe he loves you very much. But me being a mother of 3 kids and also having friends without kids that come over and visit, well. It is alot of work and for someone who has no kids to watch a family that has kids can be scarey. We do have money problems, we don't get to go out much. Paying a baby sitter is very expensive. We can't just go take a trip out of the blue coz we have one in school. There are alot of stresses that come with being a parent. And then there is that fear of when they get to be teenagers are they going to follow a good path or get in trouble and give you heart ache. So, these are probably some of his fears becoz they are mine and my husbands fears. BUT being a parent is the best experience of our lives. A love for a child is like no love you will ever know. You think you know what love is, but you really don't until you lay your eyes on your baby. And then I think the best part of it all, is how much your child loves and adores you know matter what your flaws are. They have unconditional love for us as we do them. It is wonderful to see how much love a child has in his/hers eyes when they look at their mommy or daddy. It is priceless. Now that we have them, we would never trade them for anything in the world.
I wouldn't change a thing, tho I do think about all the fun we had before we had kids. We had alot of freedom. But you just have to learn to have fun in family ways instead and its actually hilarious alot of the time. But if you want it and he doesn't, then maybe ya'll should go your seperate ways because if you don't have kids, you will resent him and if you do, his frame of mind may never change and he will resent you. OR he may lay his eyes on his first born child and change completely and the child becomes his heart. But you'll never know. It is just a chance you have to take. I wish I could tell you what to do. I hope the very best for ya'll. Good luck. I hope I shed a little light on the situation. For both of you.
2006-11-30 02:48:26 · answer #7 · answered by mysticeyes792006 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Choose which you want more, a baby with someone else or him. Coming from someone who didn't want kids and has two because my wife wanted them, if you have kids and he's not behind it you will make his life miserable. Don't get me wrong, kids are great and very lovable but some people just don't feel that big longing to be parents. If you push him into this he will resent you for probably the rest of your life for doing that. Make a choice, live with it, because he's not going to change.
2006-11-30 02:33:15 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He obviously doesn't want children. That doesn't make him wrong and you wanting one doesn't make you wrong. This said you should love him enough not to want to force him and he should love you enough to find other alternatives. Sounds like you have both grown as people and are headed in different directions no matter how much you love each other. Maybe you should agree to disagree and evaluate where both of your see yourselves in the next 5 years. If he says he doesn't want kids and to force fatherhood on him would be a mistake and would eventually effect not only the two of you but the child also.
2006-11-30 01:52:13 · answer #9 · answered by prettyfroggy 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Some men just do not want kids. It is up to him.
If you really need to have kids (which I can understand) then you must reevaluate your relationship. Do not attempt to force him into having children, it won't work. You may have to choose between a future with him and leaving him to find someone who shares you dreams and goals. Neither one of you is wrong, just different.
2006-11-30 01:47:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋