what should i do? husband is an arshole... :(?

Question

my marriage is on the verge of divorce. my husband is an asshole... he's mean... he says bad things to me, call me names, and hurts my feelings on purpose... he threatens to throw me in jail (even if he has to plant something to make it happen)... he threatens to take my son to NY and never let me see him... i don't have a job or any money saved b/c i've been at home taking care of our son instead... so i'm afraid to leave b/c of that alone. the thing is, we're a military family, and they offer marriage counseling for free here on post... i'm willing to go... but my husband is not... it's useless to try and talk to him about anything b/c all he does is blame everything on me... he says that nothings wrong with him (he's in denial) and that everything that's wrong in our marriage is b/c of me... he's real good at making me feel like nothing... question is, if you were me, what would you do? i'm lost... and don't know what to do...

Answer 1

Sounds like a normal day in our house. There are two sides to every story and this is only your side so hard not to be judgemental on your husband. If he is doing all those things then believe it or not it may possinly be because he is afraid of losing his family and that includes you but too much of a macho man to sit down with you and tell you his true feelings. I would really urge him to try marriage guidance and if he won't go on the camp how about a civilian one where none of his mates will know about it?

Answer 2

Sounds like a real tough hombre. Being mean to a woman. Just the kind of guy I want to have his finger on the big red button! LOL. But, all seriousness aside. . . .

Get legal advise. Depending on how long he has been in the military, you can sue for 1/2 of his pension and for child-support and more. Talk to a lawyer not affiliated with the military. Usually the first consult is free.

Start squirreling money away for the day you leave. Don't ever let him know about your stash. Ask your family for help with fees if you can.

Later, when you can, think about your part in it. You cannot be fully responsible. But any relationship is a 1/2-1/2 thing. No one can be responsible for all the problems. However, you picked this type of guy for a reason. If you don't deal with that issue, you will pick the same kind of guy. He may look different on the outside but he will be a lot like Mr. Military man. Once you deal with that lesson, you will be able to have a partner that treats you right.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Since he is in the military you don't have to worry about him carrying thru with any of his threats. The military frowns upon this sort of thing. Go and see his "1st shirt" (immediate supervisor). Tell him of the threats. He can actually be ordered to comply with counseling. You can threaten him with this and it may be enough so that you don't actually have to go through with it. If he leaves the state with your son call the MP's or LE's or whatever they call the police in your branch and make a report and get it documented that you called about this. Make sure you have all the pertinent info like his squadron, his squadron phone number, his commander, etc...
A copy of the blotter with his name will probably be sent to his commander who will then pass it down til it reaches his first shirt. Since you are a military dependent the chances that you qualify for a Pell Grant is really high. You have nothing to lose by applying for one or some other financial aide and go back to school even if it's just for a few classes. Your self-esteem seems to be really lacking. Also, look into working at the PX or BX or NX because dependents get priority for hiring. Do child care at home ; you could earn a little money that way too. Also since you undoubtedly have Tri-care make an appointment with an internal meds or family practice and get some help for your depression. That depression could be the reason he wants to remove your child from your care. Maybe he thinks your overwhelmed and doesn't want the situation to negatively impact him. Even if he doesn't go to family counseling (which isn't a cureall) with you; YOU can go to INDIVIDUAL counseling to speak with someone objective. Good Luck!

Answer 4

First of all, I would give him another chance to go to counseling, if he refuses again, then you need to get out.. One thing that concerns me is he is teaching your son that its ok to treat a woman this way.. I know you probably dont have the money to get an attorney, but you need one if you plan to divorce him, which is what I would suggest.. A few things you can do before you leave, is get a tape recording of some of the things he says or does.. This will help you in court. Get as much evidence has you can. Then take your son and get the hell out of there... Go to a family members house that he doesnt know about, so you dont risk him coming over and taking the son. and be careful after you leave your husband, because until you go to court to see who gets custody he can take the child and leave and you wont be able to do anything until the judge makes a decision.. Be very careful, and I wish you the best of luck..

Answer 5

Try this. Get up from the computer. Walk to your nearest mirror. Look yourself stright in the eyes, and remeber the woman you were long before this banana came into your life. Find the strength in yourself to become pro active. Don't be a passenger in life. Has he ever hit you? If so, even more reason to split, and file for a restaining order. No judiscial syatem in the world, will take a child away from its mother, especially if the father is abusive. If he wants a divorce, then give it to him. You file the papers. You take the initiative. You show him you dont need him in your life. You do what is necessary for you and your child. Dont become a stastic. Be strong. Be motivated. Dont let him intimidate you. If you know you are in the right, there is nothing that you should be afraid of.
Good luck.

R

Answer 6

When he leaves the house in the morning to go to the base (work) you get your son and pack some clothing and either drive away or leave on a bus and go back home. I would on getting back home file a police report and ask for a restraining order so he can NOT come to you and take your son. I hope you have some family that can help you out at least initially. He is a loser and he IS ABUSING you. Even if it is not physical. There IS abuse going on and he needs to be put in his place. He is set in his ways and you are NOT going to change him. So your only option at this point is to leave. Sorry, But I wish you the best of luck. Tell him that I said he needs to grow up and be a MAN.

Answer 7

ok as.. hole is taking it too easy on him??? an if you file for divorce an win he will have to pay for it an as far as your kid he cant run off with him if hes under 18 y of age you can take some of his money it would help if you had a job of some sort any thing will do just for the courts sake....don't be afraid too be alone i have been thought 2 dev.....an i am 44 an there are more out there that you think an by the way you can take his pension too go too layer an ask its free get out of it there's no use in you being miserable you deserve too be happy an you will be

Answer 8

Go to the marriage couseling yourself even if he won't go. He has a severe problem that the military needs to know about. If he was in Iraq or Afghanistan he may have developed problems from there. Your best bet is to talk to the counselor and see if he/she can get your husband some help. This comes from an old Vietnam vet that also had problems upon returning ..

Answer 9

It's very clear to me that you should pack a bag, pack up your son and hit the road. You must have a friend or relative somewhere that you can go to until you get your feet on the ground again. It won't be easy but you can do it....why would you want to stay in an abusive situation and worse, why would you want to subject your son to it.....Find a way to get the money to get out of there....go through his pockets if you have to ....it's your money too! if you think it will take you a bit of time to get enough money for a ticket back home then go to the counselor on base alone....they will be able to tell you what other help and support is available to you and your son....Good luck

Answer 10

Do you have any work skills? Get a job save up and get out. Life's to short to be in a bad marriage and unhappy. Be strong don't let him make you feel like nothing. You are somebody and you matter. Good luck.