When I married him, I told him I wasn't sure if I did. Now, I'm sure I don't. I don't like the idea of giving up my career for a child I wouldn't even like (I don't like children, period,). Also, the idea of pregnancy and childbirth absolutely revolts me (even though physically, I'm very healthy) He basically said that if he can't have a child that's his own flesh and blood he'd no longer have a purpose in life. He won't even settle for adoption. What makes it harder is that in every other respect, he's sweet, kind, does everything he can for me. Except for this one issue. Apparently, his ego is more important than my reproductive choices. Also, I have depression and I'm on 3 medications for it and he knows this. Please help, I'm at my wit's end. I love him, he's been nothing but kind to me, but he told me that he'd "never back down" on the kids issue.
2006-11-29 17:49:14 · 18 answers · asked by dineria 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow, that's a rough one. I can't tell you what to do about your relationship, but as strongly as you feel about not having kids is about how strongly he likely feels in regards to having them. I doubt his ego has much to do with this issue. For many people having children is a must and life without them would not seem fulfilled. I do not doubt that he respects your choice, but it sounds like he has made up his mind as well. Things are not always meant to be. I hope that you can find middle ground on this. Something that will make you both happy. Good luck.
2006-11-29 17:59:17 · answer #1 · answered by eeyoreshunni 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well first off you should definitely not get pregnant as there are enough people out there that struggle having family that could care less about them growing up and it sounds as you have enough to worry about for yourself at this time (depression issues).
On the flip side its not your husbands ego really-- it comes down to the why am I here on earth and trying to find a purpose in his life that can extend beyond it. Having a child is the meaning of life to him apparently. I doubt this will be a passing phase and it would seem that one or the other of you will be genuinely unhappy with whatever decision is made as long as you are married unless someones values and beliefs radically change. Good luck to you but maybe divorce might be the best option in the long run for both of you.
2006-11-30 07:53:16 · answer #2 · answered by Dean * 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yep. This happened to me too (only we were not married). When I realized how strongly he felt about having kids - I had to break up with him. He was all upset. Everyone was also pressuring me into having his kids (and marrying) because he was very wealthy. We dated for 2 1/2 years before breaking up. Then he would call me and tell me every time he would ask a girl out. I just said "good for you, maybe she's a breeder" (because he got very rude to me). Anyway, he started going out with this girl (big loser with two kids already) and i told him that she would ruin him and take advantage of him. She was prego within 2 months, had the baby. Meanwhile he bought her an Expedition ("for the safety of his baby"), and a house next door to her mom, and then a stupid little antique shop (which she couldn't even manage). Right after the baby was born she turned int SATAN! Now, it's 7 years later ... he never married her, they have two kids together and he is completely miserable. She manipulates every step of his life because she can ... she has those kids of his. Anyway ... my point is .... he would not back down (to his own determent) but neither would I! I was not about to be a baby maker for anyone when I didn't want kids (especiallly to some egotistical person). Don't just give in. You will be miserable and resentful.
2006-11-30 02:00:33 · answer #3 · answered by lesliejay63 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It would seem to me that he has two choices: 1. back down, or 2. get divorced and find a woman who wants children.
And you have two choices: 1. have an unwanted child in order to keep your marriage, or 2. continue to refuse to have a child and risk a divorce.
This is an issue that you should have resolved before marriage.
I feel sorry for both of you because there is not a good solution that will make both of you happy.
2006-11-30 01:55:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anniesgran 4 · 6⤊ 0⤋
You should have settled this BEFORE you got married. Seems like you did not want kids all along and were not up front with your feelings from the start. This is really important to your husband (and apparently non-negotiable) so I think you need some counseling to determine where you go from here.
2006-11-30 02:03:12 · answer #5 · answered by G.V. 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you knew he wanted children and married him when you are unsure you are unfair to him and if he married you wanting kids knowing that you were unsure he's being unfair to you.
He can't force you to have a child but know that when people say "they'll never back down" they usually do.If you can't ride it out maybe he isn't such a great guy or the right one for you, If you can it'll be another disagreement you'll have to weather. Too many women are pressured by family, friends, and society into having children. If you don't that's your right.
2006-11-30 01:56:01 · answer #6 · answered by Cybele 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that's a dilemma that you two should have talked about more thoroughly before you GOT MARRIED! If you weren't sure in the beginning and he knew that, well, I guess you guys have to make a choice. More him than you because it sounds like you've made up your mind. Now it's pretty much up to him if he wants to accept it or not. If he doesn't want to accept your choice and you obviously don't want his choice either, then say hello to divorce because if he wants kids that bad, he'll find someone who'll give him one.
2006-11-30 02:02:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
all human being in this world, need something in life, you love yr career but have you ask yrself, who going to inherit all the hardship that you did, i mean asset. Sure you have something. Like house or car. Then come the kids, sure you want someone that looks like you, act like you, workalic like you, love technical like yr hubby sure you dont have to take medication for depression. Just look at the smile, when she/he said, mom look i can work like you.... !.. thats really a fullfill things happen to you. Life is nothing without kids of your own, maybe he/she will take yr eyebrow, yr nose, his nose or your hair colour... and the love between both of you husband and wife is much more than u know.
2006-11-30 01:59:06 · answer #8 · answered by ironlady42 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Until you both learn to compromise, this is going to be an ongoing issue in your marriage. You are both right but you simply want two different things. This is a very tough issue and if neither of you budges in your respective decision, I don't see much future in this marriage.
2006-11-30 01:57:44 · answer #9 · answered by jdhs 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Did he tell you before you two married that he wanted kids? Why would you have to give up your career to have a baby? I think you both need to reconsider your choices, including each other.
2006-11-30 01:57:38 · answer #10 · answered by chagganon 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋