English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

Q: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution, or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.

On one of my childhood trips to Vietnam, my parents took me to visit a small, isolated country village. I remember that one day, my mother had told me about the children there who could not go to school and how lucky I was to have the opportunity of getting an education available to me. Her words meant little to me as a child whose only concern was when her favorite cartoon was going to show, but as a young adult, my fortune means much more. Realizing this, I knew that I had to share my blessings with others.
Over the years, I have engaged in many community service activities. I have done everything from teaching to watching over children. However, the endeavor most important to me has been helping H.O.P.E (Helping Our People Emerge) raise money to establish schools in rural areas of Vietnam. My eagerness to help others has always been my strongest personal quality. I enjoy being a part of the world's changing toward the better, and I know that if admitted to your univerity, I would dramatically shape the mold of the campus with a friendly helping hand.

2006-11-29 16:36:24 · 10 answers · asked by ღnekoshii 3 in Education & Reference Higher Education (University +)

comments/critiques greatly appreciated! =]

thank you!

2006-11-29 16:36:57 · update #1

10 answers

Your community outreach is admirable and extremely impressive. Your grammar, run on sentence use and spelling (second to last sentence University) will bring you down.

No worries, Freshman English will set you straight.

On one of my most cherished childhood experiences was that of a family trip to Vietnam. My parents and I traveled to a small, isolated country village. I remember one day in particular. My mother had told me about the children there "who can not go to school" and "how lucky I was to have the opportunity to receive an education". Her words meant little to me as a child. My only concern at that age was missing my favorite cartoon.

As a young adult, my good fortune means much more to me. After realizing this, I knew that I had to share my blessings with others.

Over the past ( insert # of years) years, I have been engaged in many community service activities. I have not only been responsible for looking after children but I have been given the responsibility of teaching them as well. (maybe elaborate)

However, the most important endeavor to me has been being a part of an organization called H.O.P.E (Helping Our People Emerge). Through this organization I have been involved in raising funds to establish schools in rural areas of Vietnam. (State the progress of this organization towards this goal/what was your position with the organization)

My eagerness to help others has always been my strongest personal quality. I enjoy taking part in any efforts towards changing the world for the better. (hokey but it is you)

I strongly believe that if admitted to the University of California, I would enthusiastically work to contribute to a positive campus culture mainly by being a friendly helping hand. (You may want to say something about being academically successful as well . What do you hope to gain from this school that you could not get someplace else) *** come on you have got to kiss %$$ a little!!

2006-11-29 17:30:16 · answer #1 · answered by CAE 5 · 0 0

I have no context in which to judge this.

Meaning: I haven't seen your assignment. I don't know how important this is. If you're a rich white girl from in-state with average SAT, you might get rejected because of quotas. If you're a poor black girl from out of state with 1600, you could write "boooobleybooobley" on your essay and you'd be in.

See? So the practical advice is, you should find out what the screeners are looking for, and make sure you hit those hot buttons.

Good luck

2006-11-29 16:40:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Elaborate. Use some scholastic words...Indicate other activities from which you have been participative at and will surely let the judges admire you. Doing so, I believe you deserve an A.

2006-11-29 16:49:56 · answer #3 · answered by edelweiss 2 · 0 0

Your answer is good. I hope you will get the change there. There is one mistake in the essay. you mis-spelled university the the last line. My best wishes to you.

2006-11-29 17:11:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Your answer is good. I hope you will get the change there. There is one mistake in the essay. you mis-spelled university the the last line. My best wishes to you.

2006-11-29 16:43:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anjon28July 1 · 0 0

it's no big deal but you could have checked your spelling before you submitted. other than that i find your essay to be very good. the content is admirable although you are probably too close to it therefore there are too many "I"s etc. referring to you.

i wish you well in your future endeavours whatever they may be.....so long

2006-11-29 16:45:21 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 0 0

your essay is relatively good, but short. short and sweet is good but if u want to get into that college, do u think that will do? i think u might need to write more...but what u have already is excellent...its g'd. well, g'd luck in getting into the university of cali.

2006-11-29 16:43:12 · answer #7 · answered by King Cloud 2 · 0 0

Sounds good to me. I will give you an A.

2006-11-29 16:39:22 · answer #8 · answered by ruth4526 7 · 0 0

Your essay diserves an F-.

2006-11-29 16:44:27 · answer #9 · answered by robert m 7 · 0 0

good job.

2006-11-29 16:43:56 · answer #10 · answered by Boink 6 · 0 0

fedest.com, questions and answers