What do you think of this closing paragraph???

Question

THis is the finale of a 10 page paper, constructive criticism or additions please.
Mahan and Roosevelt’s greatest legacy lay in their success at providing the American nation with a fleet capable of enforcing the tenets of the Monroe Doctrine. These two men built a navy which could actually enforce the interests of America in the Western Hemisphere, effectively turning a theory on paper into a reality. Despite the shortcomings of these two men, and their differences, they accomplished a feat which is arguably attributable for America’s current world.

the word status should be right before the period, at the end. I also need to add more detail, any ideas on how to extend or something?

The topic is on the relationship between Mahan and Roosevelt, I had to focus on their joint contributions. And Roosevelt is attributed with building the navy. I know about Pearl Harbor, I just couldnt go off topic to mention it.

Answer 1

No such thing as a "greatest" legacy. Legacy is an effect of an accomplishment, not the accomplishment in itself. Their "greatest achievement", "lasting accomplishment", etc.

The American Nation? No - America, or The US.

I would remove "the tenets". "The fleet was capable of enforcing the Monroe Doctrine." Tenets would be more appropriately used as in "the tenets of his argument".

"These two men built a navy which could actually enforce the interests of America in the Western Hemisphere, effectively turning a theory on paper into a reality." - What information have you added from the previous sentence? This is exactly the same meaning as "a fleet capable of enforcing the Monroe Doctrine". Get rid of this sentence and expand some other point you made in the previous 10 pages. Also, don't ever use useless modifiers like "actually". They add nothing, take up space, destroy the flow and are painful to read.

"they accomplished a feat which is arguably attributable for America’s current world." This is a not what a meant you think you should have. Whoops. Sorry. I'm not making the slightest sense either.

Answer 2

Mahan and Roosevelt’s greatest legacy lay <>in their success at providing the American nation <>with a fleet capable of enforcing the tenets of the Monroe Doctrine. These two men built a navy <> which could actually enforce the interests <>of America in the Western Hemisphere, effectively turning a theory on paper into a reality. Despite the shortcomings of these two men, <> and their differences, they accomplished a feat which is arguably attributable <>> for America’s current world <>

****How I would do it:

"Mahan and Roosevelt’s legacy lies in their success at providing America with a Navy capable of enforcing the tenets of the Monroe Doctrine; these two men turned a theory on paper into a reality as they built a fleet capable of facilitating American interests in the Western Hemisphere. Despite their shortcomings and differences, Mahan and Roosevelt served to help advance America's accession to the top of the international community."

As Borat would say, NIIIIIIIIICE!

Good luck!

Answer 3

I think your last sentence is missing a word after world...
You must have missed the part in your research about the theory that Roosevelt ordered the ships at Pearl Harbor to be anchored side by side just hours before the Dec. 7th 1941 attack. Hoping to increase the anger Americans felt and to allow him to declare War without resistance. Many Americans do not see Roosevelt as a great friend of the Navy.

Answer 4

Just one grammar correction.

Mahan and Roosevelt’s greatest legacy lays (NOT LAY - you are talking about the legacy, one word, singular) in their success at providing the American nation with a fleet capable of enforcing the tenets of the Monroe Doctrine...

Other than that, it reads very well.

- Magoo

Answer 5

It sounds good but remember a few things. In your conclusion you want to do remember a couple things. First, the purpose of a conclusion is to remind the reader of your main points. Do this by restating your thesis statement. Secondly, make sure that you don't bring up any new theories or ideas that you haven't stated in the paper. There is a website ( I believe its eduspace.com) that you can copy and paste your complete paper to, tell them what you want them to look at, and a online instructor will email you within 24 hours with suggestions on how to make the paper better. I hope this helps! Good Luck!

Answer 6

I have to agree that "arguably attributable for America’s current world" sounds confusing and reads weirdly.

Answer 7

okay ... up to the "arguably attributable for America's current world."

Answer 8

Sounds great to me. Very well written.

Answer 9

you have already closed it