Thoughts on porn?

Question

Okay here is the deal..I hate porn.. I am 21 years old and i dont want my husband looking at that crap..Everytime he wants to have sex I am there for him one way or another but i still find him sitting in front of the computer when he thinks i am sleeping or in the shower or something. The first time i walked in on him i explained my feelings to him about it and he said okay if you dont like it then i wont do it..YEAH RIGHT! since then i have caught him five times! everytime i get angry and he promises he will never do it again..and i believe him. dont know why but i do..so my question is am i the only person that doesnt want her significant other looking at other women? and here is another question: he says that when he is looking at those women that he thinks about me..is there anyway that can be possible? i think he is just trying to get himself out of the dog house..thoughts please

Im not a prude! like i said i am 21! i still like my "naughty time" quite a bit acutally :)

and for those of you that seem to disapprove of me for being married so young, i love my husband! he is my best friend and if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, why not start at 21?!

Answer 1

Tashina,
I am speaking from a man's perspective, and what your husband fails to realize is that it is like sucking on his thumb. He can say it is not causing any harm, because it is his thumb.

After two years of marriage you are facing a need to get HIM to put some new sparks of romance, back into His and your life.
This I know sounds like you have not been doing anything to put sparks into your life, and I am sure that is not the case.
It might be wise to ask friends who have been married three or more years and see if they had a period of flat relations. It happens a lot more than you think. I have been married, and I can reflect on not just my experiences, but those of my children who older then you. One thing that seems to flaten out relationships are children. That may or may not be the case, but your husband is seeking to find something new or different. That is not to say he wants someone other then you, but it is saying he is a fantasising.

Try getting him to read to you out of a book that is of his liking, but the book should be one you both would enjoy. Start by sitting in chairs and after a few days, if it seems to please him and he likes this enterchange of thoughts and shows interest, move in the bedroom and see where it takes you.

I can not tell you exactly what he is thinking, but seeing that pron is very addictive and not something that some can stop doing cold turkey. It will take love and persistant kindness to remind him that what he thinks he sees as different is not attainable or even real. How you ask questions about what he likes about it might also help. See if he opens up to speaks up about his thoughts and see if he will respond to you being there for him.

Life and marriage is not a course you can take as a college class. It is life on the road, lived with all the holes, fallen trees, and it is these very things that make you stronger as a husband and wife. Hating porn is not wrong, for it is a kind of cancer, but how you react to him can be just as damaging. Remember the art of loving begins with the art of being PRO-ACTIVE and not RE-ACTIVE will earn you a more co-operative mate and understanding him is what it is all about. Giving more of your self means more than having sexual relations. It is giving him your smiles, showing concern, and yet being true to yourself, and that can be expressed in ways that might border on treating his obsession with some compassion. It is not going to be easy, but being patient and showing that He is your man.

I hope and pray you find the way, no one person can give you all the answers, but you are at least seeking guidance.

The teacher.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

OK, my 1st thought is that you are dealing with a "sex addict".
Knowing that may help you understand the dynamics of what is going on. The pathology is pretty much the same as with any other addiction.
-the false promises that he'll stop
-the hiding, & the lies
-the denial on your part (when you believe him)
-the manipulation, like "when I look at them I'm really thinking of you honey"
-the fact that it's adversely affecting his life, but he keeps doing it.

Personally I don't see a whole lot wrong with looking at internet porn as long as it is kept in moderation, & nothing illegal is being done (eg: kiddie porn)
Where he crosses the line is that he lies to you about it after you have said you object.
So while I don't see a particular problem with dabbling in a little porn, I do see something terribly wrong with dishonesty in a relationship.

My wife is aware of my occasional interest in internet porn. With her I am an open book. I don't hide ANYTHING from her, & God Bless her she hasn't said that I should stop. The fact is that I don't spend time at the computer at the expense of our time together. Maybe in that way she feels secure enough with me to not be threatned by my interest in a few pictures of naked women. She knows that I am dedicated to her. I don't know if I could stop checking out the porn sites altogether if she ever changed her mind, but I know one thing. If she did change her mind, & I couldn't stop then I would get myself some help before I would screw up her trust in me by hiding or lying about viewing porn.

If you really want him to stop then you need to stick to your guns to the point where you will be willing to put the future of your marriage on the line. If he's a true addict, then he needs a bottom line or he won't stop.
Meanwhile you can assess how important this issue really is to you. Can you compromise enough that he will stop the lies? Maybe you can strike a deal with him, like for every hour he spends at the computer (porn or not) he spends two with you no questions asked.
I hope I helped.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

Hi from a guy who hates pron too. Your hubby has a problem he is addicted to this crap. First is he a Christain? If so then there are a lot of good Christain counsulers out there. If not then the same applys. However Don't let his lies, those he tells himself (and you), allow you to be twisted in to a knot or worse be sudused in to accepting the crap for his sake or for the sake of you marriage. He is having an affair of the eyes and you should never allow another women to come between you and your husband.

Also try canceling the internet or getting a filter program and Don't allow him access to thoses sites. If he love you he will back away from a raod which will only lead to divorce or at the least hurts that can take a life time to forgive.

Answer 5

I'm sorry your a victium of a porn addict. I was too= (. But to start off I got married at 20 so I completely understand where your coming from and I'm highly sensitive about porn as well.
Okay, here's what I did to resolve my problem with my husband:
Men are sensless. You have to break it down for them. saying "i don't like it" isn't good enough. What I told my husband is something along the lines of- "You looking at those sites really makes me feel bad about my appearance (which it does...no lie there) and makes me feel BAD about how I look as well. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough and brings down my self esteem." Just have a heart to heart with him. Address EXACTLY how you feel!don't keep anything in! let out all that steam that's eating at you! that's the ONLY way to get it through his head...that hey-I DON'T LIKE IT! And if he's a real man and really loves you, the last thing he'd want to do is hurt you and you both can work out a happy medium. Now for the people that say "oh its natural...get over it" FORGET 'EM! good luck and wish you the best!

Answer 6

Well...looking over the answers you've gotten some pretty mean comments thrown your way..."being a prude", "being criticized for being married so young," etc. Well, I'm just hear to say, that I'm even a little younger than you and I'm almost married and I agree with you and I'm not a prude either. I dont' have an answer as to what to do about it to make him stop, but I COMPLETELY agree with you. You should be enough fullfillment for him. If I found my boyfriend looking at porn, I'd rip his computer away from him and throw it on the floor. (Okay, maybe not the first time, but I'd find a way to destroy his computer). Maybe instead of yelling at him and making him promise you he wont' do it again, you could get inside his head and find out why he needs to look at it...I mean if he thinks you're in the shower, wouldnt' it be just as fulfilling for him to gaze upon you? Well, I know I didn't answer your question per say, but I do agree with you. Good luck on the outcome.

Answer 7

Porn to men is what romance novels or love stories is to women. Men are geared towards visuals, which is why they like to see it rather than just read or think about it. Women are geared towards mental images. They would rather read about it or see it in a story form of some sort. Now him looking at porn deal with it, unless he starts getting ot the point where he rather look or watch that stuff than to be around you or family or it seems you are tearing him away from it against his will. That is the time you need to start worrying and do something about it. Are you insecured with yourself to the point you are afraid he is being more turned on by the pictures on a screen than you? For his promising not to do it again, that's wrong I think. Because he is only going to get back to it next chance he gets and everyone knows it. But instead of getting all upset and angry with him over it and going off on him, why don't you ask him why he is looking at it and what it does for him that you can't for him. For him thinking of you while looking at porn. Maybe he is. Could be something he wishes you would do for him, like dress up, different sex acts, that sort of stuff. Ask him why and see what you can do to turn his attention onto you and not to the screen for the lack of something.

Answer 8

This is why porn is so upsetting to woman. It degrades them, make them feel less of a woman and feel insecure in their relationship.

The woman in those magazines or in the movies are not realistic woman they are half fake along with the men. If woman really paid attention to the porn movies on the size of the men and set their expectations of what a man should really be like in bed as far as time spent having sex and the length and girth of there man hood guess what ladies there would be no more porn in your house. Then men in those movies are as much of a fake as the woman the men pretend or fantasize being with.

To try and get a control on this I suggest talking with your spouse let him know that if he was fantasizing about you then why is he whacking off to a video of another woman. Tell him how this makes you feel and that he is hurting you and making you feel insecure in your relationship and you feel as if he is cheating on you.

Try and spice up your sex life buy sex toys, masturbate for him, masturbate with him, change where you have sex and how often you have sex be spontaneous.

Answer 9

i know what you mean, it kind of bothers me too, but then on the other hand i think every single guy on earth does it. its not that they arent satisfied by you, they just get a high from it...its almost an addiction. they could have sex 20 times a day and still like to look at it. they like to be visually stimulated, they can NEVER have enough so dont think its you or anything. its crappy that he keeps doing it when he knows how you feel about it tho, he really might be addicted...this is common. i have heard guys explain it as they arent thinking of BEING with those women, its just a source of visual stimulation. sit him down and have a talk, let him explain why he does it and ask him why he hastn stopped. ask him if hes addicted, tell him how strongly you feel about it.

ADDED: It pisses me off when men get so bent out of shape when women are upset by this, and they don't get why. We don't like are men looking at other women lustfully....if they are in a committed relationship they shouldnt have those thoughts about anyone but their girlfrined/wife. this is why it matters. we take it personally. I AM a beautiful woman with nice boobs and butt like one guy below said, and there isnt anything short of a threesome i wont do in bed, yet my BF STILL looks at porn. i've given up.

Answer 10

Yes, other women don't like it either, but not all women feel that way. Women look at porn, too, and sometimes the guy they're with (husband, boyfriend, whatever) doesn't like it either.

Yes, he can be thinking about you when he looks at it. Heck, women will think of other men when a guy is having sex with them, so one thing doesn't have to do anything with the other necessarily.

It sounds like you are insecure for no real good reason.