How do I help my husband feel more secure about himself and our marriage?

Question

We married in June 2006. I came into the marriage with doubts because he behaved in a controlling manner while we dated and especially around his own family when they came from a foreign country to visit us and be a part of the wedding. At times things are good between us, but at many other times he becomes anxious about bills, money, and either my "lack of organization" (meaning my method is not to his liking) or my "irresponsibility" (not calling a service provider right away like when I just get home after work tired, open a letter and barely read it), or even yet, my failure to put his needs above and beyond my commitments to my mother or brothers. I'm tired of feeling so controlled.

Answer 1

When you have some quiet time, sit and do your budget. Print it out if you need it to be very clear. Then find a time when he is feeling cooperative and sit at the kitchen table and go over the budget. Agree when bills will be paid and stick to the budget. Determine your discretionary funds. This should put his mind at ease about finances.

Your man deals with a cultural tug of war every day. " He behaved in a controlling manner while we dated and ESPECIALLY around his own family when they came from a FOREIGN country to visit us. "

The belief system he was taught all his life does not serve him in this society.

Do sit and ask him about his customs. Is there anything you can incorporate into your marriage to accommodate his "security about himself and our marriage?"

He is not living the picture he grew up with. Apparently he tries to integrate. Take note of and point out, "at times things are good between us" deliberately. I tell my man getting into bed at night is my favorite part of my day....because I get to sleep with him. I compliment him when he does great Dad things. Take notice. Mention what you see...."You know, darlin, that's what makes me think you are special."

Be very clear about your independent decision making. He needs to know who, what, where and when in advance. Try to keep him informed for the week. "Joe, I'm going to Mom's Tuesday. Did you and Frank want to go see that movie then?" Help him see that he can have independent time.

If you are going to Mom's and he has to fix dinner for himself that night, tell him. "Hon, there's stuff in the kitchen for dinner. I just won't be here to cook it. Feel free."

Be patient, ask him every day if there is anything you can do for him. He'll pick up the habit. It's nice. And it indicates that he did occupy some of your thoughts.

Oh, and do mention to him that right when you get home from work, you're going to need an hour to wind down, transition, and then tackle household issues. If he wants something done, he can ask when you will address the issue, or he can address the issue himself. It's his bill, too.........

Answer 2

Ah the joy of being a Newly Wed...
Remember why you married him in the first place. OK so he can try to be controlling at times. Note I said try, because he only gets the control YOU give him. Remember that!!!
I noticed you said his family was from another country. Is he also originally from another country? Cultural differences can be quite challenging. If you attend a church or other religious organization they may be able to offer direction to help iron out the difficulties.
Men are genetically programed to worry about money...it's genetic. Give the guy a break, he's just trying to be a good husband. It's a good thing! Your best solution is to work with him to find a workable family budget. Yes, I know it's boring...Welcome to marriage:)
It sounds like you need to negotiate expectations and styles of organization.
It also sounds like your annoyed with him at the moment. There will be many more such moments... Aah the joy:)
I wish the best for both of you!!

Answer 3

At first I didn't believe this question, but after looking back at questions you've posed over the past couple of weeks, either this is legitimate or you have an active fantasy life online. My advice: You need counciling from a real person, and you certainly need more support than you can receive on here. Hopefully you have some family that can be there for you right now- if not, you're probably sitting at home, more alone than you know how to express. If your husband was bent on destroying himself, he would have found a way sooner or later. What he did was his choice. Don't blame yourself. Be there for your son.

Answer 4

i hate to say this but it doesnt sound like a situation that is going to be easy for u 2 to change.if he cant respect u and ur family then maybe u should seek some counseling for the both of u.every person in a relationship needs some alone time and if u dont get some of ur own time for ur friends and family it will begin to change u. i have been in a situation similar 2 urs.my ex lady was a control freak. i didnt do n e thing about it and it eventually made me nuts.hope u get this problem resolved as quickly as possible and good luck 2 the both of u

Answer 5

It sounds to me like a case of culture shock. What is your husband's country of origin? Are the cultural attitudes regarding wives and marriage more in line with what he's demonstrated towards you? If he was raised surrounded by a male-dominant perspective, it's unlikely you'll be able to change his attitude. I agree that, of course, "when in Rome", but it may be a monumental challenge to impart that particular wisdom to him in this instance.

Answer 6

that part of his manner an personality is almost impossible to change. without counseling through it all for you two ...it is almost seeking the impossible

Answer 7

Is this question to OBVIOUS to answer? I think so.

Answer 8

Leave him!