How could she live a lie for so long?

Question

I am currently in the process of a seperation, her decision not mine. She had pulled away from me and from our son for a few months while I was starting our business and was not working. This caused many fight and led to me getting some serious depression, which lead me down very dark path in my life and I had said and done things that were very hurtful to our marriage. My wife has recently told me that she does not love me and that she has not been in love with me for a long time and that is why she has been pulling away. She had metioned alot of our "small problems" that had been occuring for the past 3 1/2 years and has told me that she beieves that she was acting that way becuase of her inablity to show love. We had split and both moved on a few years ago and she came back to me out of the blue and I took her back. So my question is if did not feel any love towards me why did she come back in the first place and why didn't she leave before we got married, had a son, etc?

we did the marriage consiling thing and she stopped because she could not move on from the past 6 months and was unwilling to find a way to make things better. Looking back to=hrough our relationship, it seemed that she was never able to commit to our relationship and it always seemed that I was always chasing my tail. Now my biggest concern is my son...he and I are being punished by me not being allowed in the house (we are very close) and the pain of the family breaking apart. I am still in love with her and I feel that I am chasing something I can never have.

Answer 1

SECURITY SECURITY SECURITY.............People will do the craziest things to feel secure.............and unfortunatly it sounds like she felt if she stuck around, things (feelings) might change. We always hope for the best, because no one wants to do a 180 degree turn in life, and end up lost (without security).

I really think you should maybe go to some counselling sessions, sounds stupid, but keep in mind, those counsellors are aware of the behaviours in people, and why they do things. This could really give you some closure. You need to see that, the problem was with her, not with you.........

Look at this as a great reason to better yourself, for yourself and your child. Its always a new day. And I wish you the best of luck!!!

P.S Dont limit yourself to a life without love, a life with a women who doesint love you the way you deserve to be loved.....

Answer 2

Sometimes women can be a little finicky. What it sounds like is that she thought she could do better the first time around so she left. Then when she realized that the men weren't falling at her feet, she realized you weren't so bad after all. And she really wanted the family/house/dog/white picket fence thing. Unfortunately she jumped in and didnt realize that a marriage is supposed to last forever. She made a lot of mistakes and if she is also leaving her son, then there is something really wrong with her. It's unnatural for a mother to leave her kids - ever! So do yourself a favor and let her go...you will find someone that does love you more than you could have ever hoped for and you will be happy...and she probably never will be happy with anyone. Good luck!

Answer 3

You took her back even though the reason you split up because she did not love you. Why??? I'm assuming you still love her? Well... I think she's just using you for the time being. She'll leave you again after she's done with you. Then later on... she'll come back and you'll take her right back. My suggestion is to stay away from her... if she said for over 3 years she acted as if she loved you but really didn't... what makes you think she loves you now? I know you have a son together and she's probably using him as an excuse to be back with you. Don't let her break your heart again! Good Luck!

Answer 4

i honestly don't feel that she never loved you. i feel as though she did, and fell out of love. or maybe it is that she loves you but simply is not in love with you. loving someone and being in love with someone is two different things. loving someone means that you care about them and you are concerned about their welfare. being in love is an emotional, and mental attachment. she may have lost that somewhere along the line. her inability to not show love should not have you down. it is not your fault. you obviously loved her, and from your description you still do. sometimes it is best to let the other person go. her being there will eventually make you unhappy, because she is unhappy and her unhappy will grow throughout the home. so if she wants to go let her go. dont make her stay for the sake of the kids. dont place that guilt on her. just let her go and move on and make the best of your relationship with your son. people do things for different reasons, and you may never know why she came back. the only thing you can do is respect her for her decision and take it day by day.

Answer 5

I would venture a guess that she probably came back hoping to rekindle what was lost, or possibly that you were one of the few positive things in her life and she needed to feel better.
I guess it wasnt enough. I'm sorry you're going through this.

She probably didnt leave before you got married and had the kid because she didnt know then, or didnt think things were that bad. I'm not sure on that.

Statistics say fighting over financial issues is the number one reason a marriage fails. We all argue about it, its interesting knowing this statistic we should forget about the money and focus on us.

At least you know now how she feels honestly and truly, and now you can work on healing and moving on with your life.

Best of luck.

Answer 6

Ok...I know exactly what your going through. I went through it 6 months ago after 6 years of marriage. I also found out that she had been sleeping around on me too. I came to accept the fact it was for the best. No one will be able to tell you that ( I did not believe anyone that told me). One day you will understand that it for the best. I included a link to a little poem I wrote that help me move to acceptance. Feel free to look around at other blog posts around that time. You can see what kind of progression I had.

Answer 7

My gosh, I'm sorry to hear your sadness.
Love is a lot of things, but people get their chemicals so mixed up with their thoughts, and love gets lost.
Love is a committment, not the high that you get at first, or when you get back together after a while.
If she can't show love, she's not going to get any better anywhere else.
Now, if she just can't forgive you, then she needs to be honest about that and stop saying it's her, not you.
Unless she's tried that and it just didn't work.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
Counseling.
Kid involved? Counseling!!!!
No kid, I could care less, you'd find someone else.
Hello, child involved!
Bless you all, good luck!

Answer 8

You were a safe place to land and you welcomed her back without much in the way of requirements, you just opened your arms and she flew in. I think you have both tried at this and given it the old college try, it sounds as if you have both done things to damage your relationship at times it just was not strong enough to keep taking these hits. Put a period on it and move on my dear, sometimes we do too much damage to a relationship that "I'm sorry" just won't cover and make better! Good luck!

Answer 9

She came back because she always loved, it's just that she didn't want to love you. Sorry if that's confusing. Also, it is sick, but people talk and say things that are not true just ebcause they are under the moment. Of she does not treat you well then I would consider getting a marriage counselor or other treatments because it is extremely difficult to stop loving someone, especially after giving birth to a child.

Answer 10

Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that we don't know how to get out of. It could be that she *thought* she loved you, she *thought* she wanted to be married. Getting pregnant sometimes happens when we don't *plan* for it ..so I can't go there. Once she realized she was pregnant, she probably felt obligated to stay in the relationship, for the sake of the baby, because she had no where else to go. (I'm guessing here) She probably came back to you after the split, because she was familiar with you and your ways, and couldn't find her way to move on with her life any other way.