why cant women ask for what they want,?

Question

I find my wife, makes statements like " you never ect ect " or " you always do this or that.
In reality, what she really wants is me to pay attention to her,at that time. but why cant she just come out and say it , without the blaming, or malipulation

Answer 1

Hi tommy,

I think the problem here is that her expectations of you are a little high and she is wanting you to do the things that please her and when you don't, she critisizes you. It appears to me that this is to do with her and how she feels about herself and she is projecting onto you what she feels unhappy or unfulfilled about in herself.

if she is looking to you to meet all of her needs - this might be the root cause of the problem and this is not healthy because she isn't looking to what her own needs are and how to fulfill them. Marriages as with all relationships require each other to be individual as well as working together as a team. It may be that she is resentful of you for what she herself feels she is lacking herself?

She wants your approval and possibly because she doesn't feel great about herself and this is not a woman thing, it is an individual thing. you give her your undivided attention and sound like a very giving and warm husband much of the time but she will focus upon the negative stuff you do because she wants you to make her happy. No one can make us happy but only ourselves but a husband or wife is there to help and support us feel good about ourselves but she is telling you all of the negative things about what you don't do, but where are the positive words she could be using?

She is blaming and manipulating because she is angry with herself for not being happy with the way her life is. This is to do with her and what she puts you down for, but only she can do something to change this and find out what aspects of herself or her life she is unhappy with so that she can change these things.

She isn't just wanting your attention - she wants you to feel bad for things you do right because she is not the judge of you and whether you do something right or wrong - we all do things our own way whether they are right or wrong. It isn't nice to be put down and doesn't help build trust or happinness. She needs to stop this behaviour and to openly talk to you about what is really going on with her.

You can't fullfil all her needs, only some of them and the rest she has to do on her own, but be supportive and listen to her and be there for her, but if she puts you down or critisizes you, then ask her right out "what do you need from me at this moment?" this will stop and make her think and be more open to talk to you about what she is really feeling.

Answer 2

I have the same problems with my wife. One day about 6 months ago, I replied by saying, "I'm not trying to start a fight or anything, but if I said some of the things that you say to me, You would be constantly pissed at me. What's with all these double standards?" If this sounds like something you might want to try, please for the love of god, say it with a smile; so if it doesn't work you can be "Just joking!"

Now anytime she sends me on a guilt trip or starts with the manipulation, I just say, How would you feel if I said this to you? That usually gets the ball rolling, but I think I have a pretty tolerant wife so this may not work for you.
OR The best way to resolve any dispute is by sympathizing, relating the argument to something relevant NOT INVOLVING HER!, and suggest the solution in this relevant scenario; then ask if we can try that solution. If there is still a fuss, explain why it's important.

Example:

Wife: Why do you always watch football when I want to talk to you?
You: Honey, I know you feel like I'm avoiding you, sometimes at work, my boss doesn't want to answer my question when he's playing solitaire and it becomes very frustrating. What I do is tell him I know he's busy with something, but when he gets a chance I really need to talk to him about whatever" And since I didn't verbally attack him, He isn't angry that I'm interrupting him. Is it alright if we talk during commercial breaks?

No?

Does it make a difference that I have $300 riding on this game.

Finding a relevant scenario to compare it to sometimes takes some quick thinking - so it's best to practice alone with some popular complaints.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and allow her the pleasure of being right.

Answer 3

Many women do ask for what they want and don't get it, so they stop asking. Some women don't know how to ask for something because they fear rejection. Now while you are not a mind reader you should know your wife, know what she likes or doesn't like, what makes her tick and if you don't they maybe it is time for you to start learning. Many women need attention and affection and feel if their husband or boyfriend loves them then they shouldn't ask for something that should come natural in a relationship.
It is like you having to ask your wife for clean cloths. In a relationship it is natural for the woman to do the laundry as such it is natural for the woman to receive attention and affection. I bet your wife feels if she has to ask for what ever it is she may want, need or desire then you giving it has no meaning compared to you giving it freely without being asked for it.

Answer 4

this is not a christian ingredient, yet a technology issue. it rather is how people did issues at the same time as your grandmother turned right into a teenager. in the present day, this is different. that's ok for a lady to ask a guy out.

Answer 5

Not all things can be asked for....suppose if she was feeling unwell for a day.....you dont expect her to ask for your attention.....being lifepartners you should know what is needed by the other at what time....Do you think you have to ask for things from her....she will do things for you when you have just even thought about it...why cant men to it?
there are certain things which are not asked for....you are expected to do it on your own realization an if you don't then it feels that the relationship is mechanical

Answer 6

I don't think it's a lack of communication. It mostly depends on what she is asking (a task or something related to romance?) If your wife said to you "you never buy me flowers or surprise me with a poem anymore!" it's because she probably did TELL you before, but after a while you stopped doing it and she kept having to remind you! It can be frustrating! another ting is that if she asked you to get her those things it'll be as if she is asking you to love her. But she wants you to do these things by yourself out of your love. I'm sure that she KNOWS that you love her s much, but women like to be reminded with small romantic things from time to time, kind of like things used to do when you two dated. Plus, if she just asks you to do nice things to her like get her flowers, she might as well buy them herself and send them to herself with a card that has FROM YOUR BELOVED HUSBAND written by her on it! I hope you see what I mean! Most women will remember the likes and dislikes of their men, and many women just want their men to do the same, but sadly we always havta keep reminding our men about things we like and don't like! ;-)

Wish you the best! ^_^

wanted to add that you must be married for a while now, so you SHOULD know your wife like the back of your hand as some say, so you should know what your wife wants even if she hints! and remember, she just wants to see you do it yourself, so even though she is hinting to you some clues, when you do what she is asking, she will give you FULL CREDIT for that effort, and cherish you more! ;-)

Answer 7

She's never learned how to communicate. I've found that saying 'Honey would you please...." works well with my husband, as does "Honey, I need...". Sometimes when I need attention, I hug him and tell him I've missed him.
Get her a copy of the book "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" so she'll know how to get you do do whatever she wants- in a good way. If she refuses to read it, you're in trouble.

Answer 8

First off why should your wife have to ask you to spend time with her ?? Second if you did what you were supposed to do then she wouldn't have to blame you. Its amazing how men slack and then blame the women for complaining about it. Do you really think your wife needs to say to you Spend more time with me ?? That's ridiculous.

Answer 9

I agree completely! But...being a woman myself...we want you guys to automatically know. We want you to take note that if in the first couple of days that we date, and I like vanilla ice cream in a coffee mug, we want that for our first wedding anniversary. So guys need to train their brains to remember that stuff :)

Answer 10

now days, open communication with your partner is the key for a sucessfull marriage. i think you should talk to your wife about how you feel and make her feel free to tell you anything and everything!!!