I need some advise from a 3rd party on the situation below.?

Question

Ok I have a question or actually I have an issue that I need advise on. To start out I have been in my first lesbian relationship going on 6 years in January. Last year 2005, in April she left me. She stated the reasoning for this was because she didn’t feel loved and I didn’t show enough affection, she was overwhelmed with school there were multiple reasons given. I am guilty of the affection part. The same day she left she ended up sleeping with her friend of 2 years. To be honest I had suspected that there were feeling involved for a while but dismissed when I tried to address the issue and was told different. She was away for 3 weeks and I was told that she wanted to work things out with me. She moved back into our house however the phone calls, secret meeting with her friend and emails continued for 5 month. When I found in September I left for 2 days then ended up returning to her after all of the “I’m sorry’s” were said. I knew she was sorry and realized what she was doing was wrong. It has been a struggle ever since especially with trust. I don’t trust her when she is out of my sight (I know this is bad) I don’t trust her with her other friend either because I know that the friendship line in the past has been broken. This has put a huge strain on our relationship. Just recently (14months from that time) I found an email (in her email address) that indicated that that flirting might be taking place between her and her other friend. When I brought it up, once again was told that I was making stuff up in my head so again dismissed it. A couple of days later when I tried to get into her email the password had been changed. Now granted I shouldn’t be snooping, and never have until everything happened last year, but we have always had each other’s passwords to our emails addresses. And on occasion check each others emails. This again was another issue to who was hiding what and why was the password changed. In my eyes it indicated that she didn’t want me to see the emails between the 2 and that she might be hiding there talks. Am I just crazy? I have never ever been like this. But the past year I have just been so paranoid that everything is going to fall apart again and I don’t want to get caught off guard like last time. But in the same token I am not giving things a chance……
This past weekend we went out and she drank quite a bit and no matter where we were or what we were doing she was always looking at this same friend. This bothered me but I left it alone. I didn’t want to ruin a good time. The next day I brought it up and yup crazy again……and I only see what I want to see I was told. Now she is telling me that she doesn’t think that things are going to work and I don’t pay attention to her and show affection enough…dais a vu or what? Please help… any advice would be helpful.

Answer 1

Always trust your instincts!!! I honestly feel like she is taking advantage of you. She knows how much you care for her and want to make it work, and is using it against you. In my opinion, it is really disrespectful and foul to continue to flaunt all of these "friends" that she slept with or had feelings for in your face. If she really cared about you, she would realize that she is hurting you by what she is doing and let them go. Also, quit blaming yourself. There is no justification for cheating. If she felt like she wasn't getting enough affection from you, she should have told you... and if she still wasn't happy with the results and felt like she needed to be with someone else... she should have stepped. Plain and simple!

Answer 2

I've never been in a lesbian relationship but I don't that matters. Why are you with her if you don't trust her? There are 2 things, one if you don't take care of your girl or guy at home someone else will and you can't blame her for leaving. Yes, she could of left on better terms but sometimes that is how things happen. The second thing is that people make mistakes and you can't always make her pay for what she did wrong. If you love her you will accept that she is being honest with you or don't be with her. I was married to a man for 10 yrs and wasn't feeling loved so I left and didn't do it on good terms but now after 6 years we are trying to work things out. It makes it really hard because he doesn't trust me and is always afraid to get close in thinking I might up and leave again. I had to be very blunt and tell him that either he has to forgive me and move on to a new relationship or let me go because you can't constantly wonder if the other person is being faithful and the snooping is 210% wrong and that has to stop now. Either trust her 100% that she wants to be with you or let her go, you both deserve better than that!

Answer 3

I'm sorry you're going through this. This situation is obviously very hard on you.

To be completely honest, the snooping, the lack of trust, the insecurity, the glances between her and her other friend... they're all major red flags as you suspect. Unfortunately, you're relationship is over... or at least it probably should be. You can't stay with a person that you can't trust...just as she can't stay with a person that snoops through her emails.
I would say, something obviously has changed between the two of you, and it's time for you to move on to someone that will treat you with respect, love, and will work to meet the mutual needs of your relationship.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. I know it's very sad to go through. Do your best to make YOU happy...and you'll be fine.

Good luck! I hope you find happiness.

Answer 4

You are living the life you have chosen. What seemed pleasurable and fullfilling in the begining has shown itself for what it now truely is; two selfish people attempting to find meaning and love at any cost, even if that means destroying their original object of affection.

End this relationship. Realize that life is not just about you being happy. Do not date, sleep with, flirt with or pursue anyone until you have spent many, many hours reflecting on your life goals. Then decide that there might be someone out in the world that can work with you the next 50 years to achieve what you may.

Answer 5

Once someone cheats on you and you take them back what your really doing is opening the door to it happening again and driving yourself mad. Once you let someone get away with something like that why wouldn't they do it again ? If they were able to do it in the first place doesn't that say they dont care for you as they should ? Now your the one who has to live paranoid and she is not even taking the responsibility for your paranoia. Since she cheated she needs to live her life as an open book and obviously with the changed password that is not what she is doing. Your not crazy. She's a cheater and she will cheat again. You need to take care of yourself and get out of this relationship.

Answer 6

First off, she now thinks that she can get away with anything, since she has gotten away with it on more than one occasion. She calls you crazy and makes you feel rotten for wondering about it when she is the one that has caused the trust issue in the first place. Dump her and move on, she will only drag you through this over and over again for the rest of your life.

Answer 7

Get out! You don't have to make each other miserable. If you really love her their should be trust between both of you. But, if you have that gut feeling she's cheatin' again go with it, trust me! Remember that life goes on, their a lot of fish out there for you. She's not the only one. It will be okay you'll see. Be strong.

Answer 8

You are not crazy... You have every right to be mistrustful... And lets be honest, she's not exactly trying to earn your trust... It sounds more like she's sorry she got caught, not that she's sorry she cheated... This girl is going to break your heart, and we both know it, or you wouldn't have asked your question... Follow your instincts and find a woman who will appreciate you for the wonderful woman you are (and won't screw around behind your back)...

Answer 9

Sounds like history is repeating itself.......the affection problem has arisen again. The trust has never fully been restored. Perhaps a trial seperation would benefit you both.

Answer 10

You need to move on. This realtionship has been dead in the water for a long time. She obviously wants to be with someone else. Someone needs to bring this story to a close and that should be you. It will be tough but you need to move forward in life.