Montgomery Travers was sweating bullets. He was standing in the doorway, looking out at his ridiculously high grass. His blue-grey eyes were darting all around the yard, assessing the threat, licking his dry lips. He slowly inched his bare foot toward the threshold. He still felt the carpet under his toes...more carpet...then, after what seemed like years, Montgomery feels the cool metal of the doorjamb.
Its about a man who has agoraphobia,,,
2006-11-29 07:44:23 · 9 answers · asked by Amanda 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Really really good and I want to know what happens but I have one teeny thing to suggest. You use "he" at the beginning of almost every sentence. Might I suggest changing that up a bit, it becomes repetitive and you lose the meaning in all the "his"s and "he"s.
I'd recommend investing in a good thesaurus. It's worth it to avoid repetition.
Good luck and happy writing
ps. what's agoraphobia, fear of plants? or outside?
2006-11-29 07:51:56 · answer #1 · answered by ichigo_li2 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a cowboy who is about to come out of the saloon bar bare feet and you wonder why there is ridiculous high grass... I did not have the impression the guy had agoraphobia but just cold feet...
2006-11-29 08:23:31 · answer #2 · answered by Mimi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Re-write. If you have any training or are taking any writing class, then you know that the previous critiques are correct. You cannot start a short story with a worn out phrase. I tried that when I was in high school and have never forgotten the gentle but firm words of my teacher. I used the phrase "tear-stained face". Aargh. Keep writing, keep reading. Make it real.
2006-11-29 21:35:22 · answer #3 · answered by Gina N 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Using a cliche in any story, particularly in the very beginning of one, is a turn off for literary agents ("sweating bullets").
The short story is good, but you changed the tense in the same paragraph; "Montgomery feels . . . "
2006-11-29 08:00:25 · answer #4 · answered by Guitarpicker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Reading the beggining of your story I was being pulled forward and found myself lost in the story.
Great start. I too think that you need to switch-up and not use so many he so often.
Will you let us read more as you go, or when you are done with the story please?
Oh, one last suggestion: Keep the stories as you go. Don't delete them. Reading back through your earlier stories could be helpful to help you as you improve.
2006-11-29 08:02:10 · answer #5 · answered by richard.butt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the detail in describing everything. That is always what gets me hooked on a book. I love how even the simplist thing sounds cool in a book. Pretty good!
2006-11-29 07:46:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put a period after yard;capitalize Assessing, comma after lips, lower case he
and after that it is a great opener.
2006-11-29 08:59:28 · answer #7 · answered by beverly s 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's definitely a good start. Just remember to check your grammar.
2006-11-29 07:53:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
man this short story was really really good. you wrote this right?
2006-11-29 07:53:00 · answer #9 · answered by Juan G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋