I am not married, but have been with this man for 9 years.. I was having problems with perimenopause and yelling and screaming a lot.. I was a witch... Just found out he visited a massage parlor complete with happy ending and has been on the internet at his work with porn sites and dating services... Swears its over.. I have problems with forgiveness right now... NEVER ever would have expected this.. Tolerated low testosterone problems in the past and never thought of cheating myself.. He said it was a mistake and will never happen again.. I have trust issues.. He is wonderful with my children and was generally a very stable person.,.. Help!!!
2006-11-29 04:32:32 · 9 answers · asked by Its me!!! :) 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you just found out about the massage parlor after 8 years, and he said he had a testosterone problem earlier in your relationship, why do you think this was his first and last time? He has been cheating on you. Whether he's paying for it or not.
He is visiting porn sites and dating services. Do you want this "wonderful" person around your kids? Wake up mom, time to move out. By the way, you should get checked for stds. This guy is slime.
2006-11-29 04:38:00 · answer #1 · answered by Firespider 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The positive thing of all this (always see the positive) is that he only went to prostitute instead of just having an affair with an actual person. Which is good meaning is feelings are not in it. At least you still know that he just needed 'physical' release and not emotional one.
The problem is that if he never has done it before and always has been trustworthy then something is off in your relationship. He did not just wake up one day and decided to do that, something must have triggered it.
You want to stay with him?
If yes you are going to ahve to figure out why he did this to prevent it from happening again.
And you can't throw it back in his face every 5 mins, that destroys a relationship and pushes the other person away without making you feel any better. So maybe counseling is in order for both of you (couple's).
If you can not forgive him leave him, try to stay friends for the kids. There is nothing worse then living with someone you resent, for both of you it is destructive.
I know it sucks that he did that and right now you hate him, he is the 'bad' one, you are the 'good' one.
But things are never that simple don't reduce it to him against you, figure out what happened and work on your relationship and figure out how to 'handle' your perimenopause go to a specialist, because do you really want to be a witch to everyone? Even if you are not with him you still want don't want it to rule your moods.
2006-11-29 12:45:36 · answer #2 · answered by Sibbyym 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Help with what? You seem to have a good grip on all of this. So you're going to have trust issues because he got a handjob by some hooker in a massage parlor. Fine...I can dig that. Now as far as porn sites go....yeah...no big deal there but while at work? thats courting disaster. Dating services? Forget it. A pool of escorts waiting for business for the most part.
Keep the line of communications open and he's assured you it won't happen again. So take him at his word. If he isn't being honest you'll find out soon enough.
2006-11-29 12:39:25 · answer #3 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hmm...I think all men look at porn whether we know about it or not, but I do not agree with the whole "happy ending" thing. But it makes me wonder why you two have been together for 9 yrs and still are not married...maybe he is scared to committ? No matter what NEVER EVER cheat to get back at your man! It will only make things worse. I would just keep a very close eye on him for the next couple of mths. :)
2006-11-29 12:41:49 · answer #4 · answered by Tracey Lee ♥ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes if you are willing to accept your part in this mess.Your behaviour, while understandable(now) was a trigger, and it went off with a bang in your face. Men do not see hormonal problems they just see a problem that look like it is not going to end. so they make plan B. So if you can get passed you hurt and betrayed feelings then yes this relationship may work out, you have both invested a lot of time to throw it all away now
2006-11-29 12:49:29 · answer #5 · answered by rkilburn410 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This could be saved on two conditions. 1-if you are willing to fogive him and give him another chance, and 2-if he "gets it" and is sincerely sorry and wants to make amends.
You are probably wondering the how and why. All you need is some new perspective and a little insight.
A counselor can help by being an pbjective third party who has no personal agenda and is not emotionally invested with either of you. Their goal is to pinpoint where your issues come from and how you two have been coping with them.
We all do the best we can with what we know. The more we know, the better we can do. We must first be aware of some of the reasons we do what we do, and why.
First of all, ask yourselves why you are not married but have been together for 9 years. That seems to me that someone is selling themself short. Which one of you is waiting for the other one to decide what you are going to do with your life?
He cheated on you. You probably feel hurt, betrayed, and abandoned in a way. Add to that, the insult, rejection, and blow to your self-esteem.
He may sathe's sorry, but is he REALLY sorry about your hurt, or is he sorry he got caught? If he can say to you, in his own words, what he thinks you must be feeling, what impact his actions have had on you, and how he was able to make it all right in his mind to do in the first place.......if he can do this (without making excuses or explaining and defending himself) then he would be demonstrating sincerity and genuine empathy, and he may be worth giving another chance. He must also, commit to accepting that he needs to do whatever it takes, for however long, to regain your trust.
And you need to stop making excuses for things that you cannot accept. Women fear abandonment (we are biologically pre-programmed to, because before modern civilization, it meant a death sentance) but today, women are alive and thriving without men. You deserve to be with someone who is willing to be a partner, and someone who is willing to negotiate and renegotiate many times, what the relationship will become. You deserve more than being with someone who is only willing to be with you on is terms.
He probably felt powerless and inadequate at some point, and that's part of what led up to him cheating. I am sure it at least had something to do with it. He found a passive-aggressive way to get back at you for his feeings and avoid discussing the real issues. That probably caused him to justify turning away from the relationship and seeking solace elsewhere, without having to directly confront the issues or you. He is probably really ashamed, as he should be.
You went therough some serious hormonal changes yourself, as well as tolerating many of his shortcomings, maybe making excuses for some of them, and you allowed yourself to react emotionally to your perceptions of things (which may or may not have been what his original intentions were).
WHen we all need to do is to remember to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and try to understand and accept their point of view as theirs, even if we disagree or don't understand. We must accept that not everyone thinks just like we do, and that everyone's feelings are legitimate. We must accept that our perceptions do not necessarliy mean that they are the intentions of other people. We need to accept that we sometimes carry baggage that contaminates our relationships. We need to remember to be willing to give to others what we want for ourselves. We need to remember to not get too self-absorbed and forget to be a willing partner. We need to remember that we all have self-preservation and that our priorities sometimes conflict. We need to understand that those we are emotionally investd with have a larger impact because we give their approval a lot of weight. We also need to remember that other people are not and should not ever be responsible for our feelings we have.
I feel for you as a lot of people who have been through similar situations. For as intuitive as we are as women, and for as emotionally perceptive as we are, we sometimes just don't get stuff. We have to remember that guys don't think like we do, and guys don't feel like we do. We make a lot of similar mistakes and sometimes contribute to our problems and make it the guys' fault. We have to decide to be heros, and learn more about stuff, and give ourselves more options on hows to handle things.
Go check out some of the questions I have answered and some of the things that I said, and other people said. I am sure you might find some insight and somthing that you can understand.
I hope that this helps, and that you can learn more about your situation, and come to some sort of resolution. Take care!
2006-11-29 13:15:14 · answer #6 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good men are hard to come by. Better think before you loose as you say a "WONDERFUL MAN".
2006-11-29 12:48:21 · answer #7 · answered by Monty L 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good luck. Time will tell. You might give him another chance and it might work.
2006-11-29 12:37:07 · answer #8 · answered by Tony T 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
he cheated, dump him
2006-11-29 12:38:08 · answer #9 · answered by human_meat_is_yummy 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋