I really need some opinions or advice on my husband! Help!?

Question

My husband an i have been married for 8 years. I had 2 kids when we met, then he and I had another. He had some bad things happen to him as a child from an older step brother. He is a wonderful man to me. He says he doesnt believe in cheating..he treats me like a queen, he just doesnt ever want to have sex. We did alot when we were dating, and after we got married. But 7 years ago, it just stopped. I wrote about this 3 mths ago, and its gotten worse. He refuses counseling, docs etc. He has initiated mayB 6 times in 7 yrs. He usually says he is to tired when I try. We only have sex maybe 3 to 6 times a year. Now, He says he wants to work on the marriage, but insists i dont initiate. And he gets angry and Yells, and says "I DONT KNOW", when I ask why he has rejected me. Well his reasoning for the past 2 yrs is cause I dont touch his penis correctly, either I tickle or its to hard. I need some help. Am I a fool? Ive tried EVERYTHING! I really am giving up, and I live a fake life.

Answer 1

I think that you need to find another man..meet him some where so you can ride with him to a motel, and have wild, passionate sex for hours. Do this every month or two, and you will get your sexual fill from your "boy toy" and still keep your family life going. Just dont get caught and everyone is happy. Now..good luck finding this man on the side that can fullfill your every need and make love to you like it has never been done before. Good Luck Angie, my prayers are with you.

Answer 2

Well I will do the best I can at offering some advice from a males perspective. For starters I would say the next time the two of you do have sex try to be open and talk about it. What I mean is ask him what feels good and what doesn't. Ask him what you can do to improve things. NOW IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT HIM!!! You need to do the same thing. Let him know what feels good and what doesn't to you. You both need to know how each other feels and how to make the other feel good. It will really help if the 2 of you can be open to each others feelings and needs when it comes to sex. It cant be a one way streak.

If the 2 of your are able to come to an agreement about it then I would try to plan a date with just the 2 of you. Maybe a romantic candle lite dinner, a movie, dancing whatever and then when you go home surprise him with maybe a new outfit to end the evening. I would most definitely suggest that you both try to go on a date at least once a month.

As for being a fool I would most definitely say not and never give up. Just make adjustments.

I truly hope that I was able to offer and suggest some helpful advise that you haven't tried. I hope things work out for the best and how you want them to.

Answer 3

While it is not funny, your situation is not uncommon. Sometimes it is the wife, sometimes it is the husband who feels that something is missing. Something has gone out of the relationship. The question is how do you get it back to where it is not just a sex act for self or mutual gratification but an act that is meant to be a reinforcement of the love and affection that each of you have for one another.

As men get older, their testosterone levels drop and this reduces their urge for frequent sex. Sometimes they are not able to get and hold an erection as effectively as before. This can cause a fear of failure that your husband is trying to avoid by avoiding having sex with you. A lot of men see themselves as diminished and open to a woman's scorn if that happens while in the act.

They think that the have lost their superiority over the woman. This, of course, is the macho image that men mistakenly have of the relationship with woman. Sex is power, not an act of love and giving. It is a misconception of the purpose of sex as a reinforcement of the bond between them.

I am sure someone has suggested more foreplay. But with three young kids and a work schedule, time is not always on your side. Children can be the biggest turn off to having good sex and so the two of you need to get back to the conditions where you were when dating. Who took care of the your kids then? Can you find someone to watch your kids at their home for a couple of hours on the days that you and your husband can be alone without any other distractions. Sometimes you can find another couple in the same situation and work a deal when you take their kids and they take your kids at different times.

Being free of the kids for a few hours will change the atmosphere between you and your husband, allowing you mental freedom to just be lovers. Plan this time as to what you want to do with him. A special meal, candles, music, Frank Sitnotra has some wonderful music for lovers. Try taking a long bath or shower together, wash him, carefully, and have him wash you. Dyr each other and without a break or seperation, get into bed. Give him a missage all over his body, using a sented oil. Take your time, work on his legs, especially inside his thighs but not touching his genitals until he becomes hard. He will respond to you, wait for it as he will not be able to resist wanting you when you treat him to this attention.

Last, you might look at a book, "The Joys of Sex" and "More Joys of Sex" for some ideas on how to mix up your approach to reinvigorating your sex live. I wish you good luck and happness.

Answer 4

You've probably tried it, but maybe you havn't. Your husband... what is his sign? Libra, Scorpio, or what? Some guys have needs like women, in that they need to feel close to you besides in the bedroom. During the day, do you sit with him watching TV or do you sit on the other end of the couch? Or in the other chair?

You have children, does he ever see you being motherly with them? You know, helping them with homework, drawing pictures with them, making things with them? Teaching them about life? These things are things that are a turn on for me. I was married for 13 years, and my wife decided to look outside the marriage and found a couple boyfriends. She said I worked all the time and when I was home, I didn't make time for her. Yet she was in bed when I came home and left for work before I did. Anyway, I'm going through a divorce and have since met another woman who has two girls. The way she is with her children actually turns me on. She has all the characteristics of a mother, and a wife. That right there, is passionate!

He sounds like the emotional type. That's me as well. Sure I like to have sex, but making love is where the passion is. It's easier to make love, when you're feeling it! So my advice to you is, you know what he loves about you. Or loved about you. Show him you still have all those traits even after 3 children and years of marriage.

As far as looking sexy to him. Try using lip liner. Makes your lips look larger. Large lips are definately a turn on. Don't try to over do it though. Take off your bra and wear a T-shirt and panties when the kids are not home. If you have long hair, put it up showing your neck. This shows how pretty your face is.

Answer 5

He definately has sexual issues.. not sure if its from what happened to him as a child or if its hes having issues sexually and is to embarrassed to admit them.. something very common in alot of men , they'd rather be miserable then admit theres a problem in that area and get help for it.. I know how frusterating it can be.. i know theres days that u want to cry ur eyes out, and days u want to pull your hair out of of anger.. funny how close to perfection we can come, then one major key just isnt there.. have the perfect man, and wham sex life goes in the toilet .. Perhaps u should go seek counsling on ur own.. even though he's obviously the one with the problem, sometimes if u go talk to the counselor they will give u the tools so to speak to try and help your husband.. sorta like the mediator he teaches u how to deal with it, then u in turn actually carry it out.. its worth a shot at this point , ur at wits end , u dont know what else u can do so see if that helps.. Ur not a fool.. u have a great man that loves u , but for whatever reason he has issues.. and it scares the crap out of him whether its from what happened when he was younger, or just him being a man thats aging and having equipment malfunctions .. so men, actually have fine equipment action but just zero desire to have sex.. weird but true.. go talk to a counselor and see if they can give u any help or insight on how to handle this situation..

good luck

Answer 6

More than likely your husband's problem is that the children in the house or the child in the house is about the same age as he was when all that bad stuff was happening and he's going through it in his mind. He's sensitive and distant and scared. He hasn't come to terms with what happened to him and he still blames himself for it. If he's not ready to be cured, you can't cure him. If sex is the only issue that's going on, you should probably just back up and let him initiate. Communicate with him and tell him that you're willing to do whatever it takes. Maybe he can find a way, a position, a place, a time, a something that would not remind him. Sometimes even holding him in a certain way will remind him of bad things again. He's extremely fragile right now. As much as he's lashing out and yelling, he's asking you to take care of him. Be patient. things will work out.

Answer 7

Your not a fool. But you have needs and desires too that he is not recognizing. that's what you need to talk about. since he refuses to get the help he needs, it is time for you to take things into your own hands.

No threats, no ultimatums, just discussion. And speaking of cheating, it is not the sex act that is the "cheat". it is the lies and deceptions that create the cheating.

I assume that you still care for your husband or this wouldn't be a quandary at all. So the thing to do is to talk to him about different possibilities for your marriage than you involved in now, so that an important and necessary part of your life is addressed. And be sure that you represent to him that there are many possibilities that you've though about and you want to talk to him about them.

The choices are yours now. And nothing I suggest or anyone else can do anything more than to give you information to consider.

As I see it, the options are as follows.

You can continue to "live a fake life" and that is clearly an option. While you have to balance the good with the bad, i think that, form your comments, that that kind of life is coming to an end for you. But it is still an option.

Or

You can divorce and find a relationship with someone who fulfills both the emotional and sexual aspects of your life. You again, need to balance that with the good in your marriage.

Or

You can cheat on him and go behind his back, which nearly always, makes the issues come to a head eventually because sooner or later you'll be found out and you have to deal with the chaos that follows. But it is an option.

Or

You can talk to him openly, honestly, and without rancor about you feelings and the need to be intimate both emotionally and physically with someone. And while he provides some of the emotional support that you need, the needs for emotional/sexual intimacy still exist. but don't use this as a threat, just tell him what your thinking. It may be an option for you, but you are not acting on that option (at least for now).

That is likely to create the discussion that needs to occur. It won't be a passive discussion I am sure, so be prepared for his response. but as he looks at it from your point of view (assuming he can do that, some people can't) he is likely to have a frank discussion of what that means for him, you, and your marriage. You might be quite surprised on where this takes you, even pleasently surprised. I know that from personal experience.

I might suggest that you have the discussion with some idea on where you want this to go, so don't approach him until you've make the choices you need to make. Even if those choices are to rank your options about the preferred and alternate approaches.

It seems to me that your husband is self conscious about something sexual in nature. What that might be is not evident in your comments so I can't even begin to guess. Opening this discussion with him in a non-sexual environment and telling him what you've been mulling over in your decision making process is likely to have the least tension as long as there are no threats as part of the discussion. Even tell him the options your considering. But decide together, knowing what you prefer to happen.

There are a few more options you can consider but I could go on to long here. If you'd like to discuss this more, my email address is in my "Answers" profile. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Answer 8

Things in the past can really effect a persons life for ever and I have found that the older you get the more it plays on your mind. Maybe that is what is happening to him. You have to get him to seek counseling or else I do not know what to say. The way you touch him or what ever the case maybe and his excuses is not your fault nor are you doing anything wrong so do not let him make you think it is you. It is his problem and he has to take care of it. Maybe you can tell him if he really wants to keep the marriage together like he says then it has to be counseling. If he does not want to go then maybe he does not want to fix the marriage. I know this is hard for you but also remember this is hard for him to if it is related to things that happened in the past. Good Luck and I hope things work out for you marriage is taken so lightly in this day and age I am glad to see you are trying.

Answer 9

Wow Sweetie I really feel for you and it sounds like your are working really hard to keep things together. I know things change after so many years of marriage. Me and my husband have been together for over 12 years and he could have sex 3 times a day if I would let him. Normally it's the woman who doesn't want it as much as him. My husband is luck if he gets it once a week. Our sex drive is not as driven as theirs. So just by what you have said it seems like he may have someone on the side or something is seriously wrong with him. I don't know many men that would turn sex down at all. Even if they have been married for 25years or more. I hope everything works out. Keep me posted, and goodluck to you. Keep your head up and put your problems in God's hands.

Answer 10

i'm rather sorry about your situation. yet I see no recourse yet divorce. he's not absolutely observing porn, he's sneaking round about it, he's mendacity and he fantasizing about gfs he's had contained in the previous. If I were you i ought to call the proper woman divorce atty i ought to discover, ask for a loose 30 minute consultation. between each and every now and then write down a ordinary fact very comparable to what you've written the following - then from this element on make a list of the day and time he did extra of a similar. confirm your fact is in sturdy order - provide it to the atty - she will be able of ascertain swifter than you may write. be particular to comprise the section about his unwillingness to seek counseling. this can not end. apart from, time will come at the same time as he can't get excited without observing porn and the awesome step will be he's loose pastime in any sex without porn; at the same time as you've not even hit the right years on your individual libido. sturdy success.